I love him but he lies

[MyMumisMarv]

I've never caught him cheating or anything like that but after 5 years I am realising that lying is this habit he has to avoid any kind of confrontation or any risk of someone thinking negatively of him.

And they are bigger than white lies too. He does it to me and to other people. I think to himself as well.

Recently, he has lost his business, a horrible stressful episode which involved uncovering some things he had tried to cover up. Anyway, we have been getting by and I thought we were fine and he has been looking for a job.

But I found out he's lied to me twice this week.

I'll try to sum up one is that he told me he had to reschedule a job interview but I found out he just didn't turn up. He decided he couldn't be bothered.

He told me he'd only just remembered on thursday he had a freelance job that had been booked a year ago on this weekend. But it turns out he's actually known about it for a couple of weeks and was paid for it last week. I don't understand why he would lie about this - he insists it was because he didn't want to admit he'd been stupid and forgotten about it

I've told him to leave because I don't support liars. I've been carrying the financial burden and it's been frustrating me he hasn't got any work yet.

He is a mess and is begging me not to give up on us. He says he hadnt wanted to admit it but he thinks he's really struggling with his mental health. I don't want give up on him and I love him but I don't really believe what he says anymore. Its making me lose respect.

I also have DD who is 8. She is not his and she loves him too but I think I have a responsibility to her to not use our limited money supporting someone who lies and who for some reason isn't doing all they can to contribute to the household pot.

I don't know what to do. He says he won't lie anymore, and he only does it because he doesn't want to hurt people. I don't think he's a bad person but I don't believe he will stop just like that.

I'm just rambling now

Seriously liars are the worst kind of partner. You can never trust them ,they get you into trouble, they run up debt behind your back.
I had a lying boyfriend and then husband once and he just sucked all of the joy and the pleasure out of my life.

I can see how that would happen @madcatlady

It's mad because I know he loves me and DD, he's crazy about us both and I can't see him doing anything intentional to hurt us but at the same time, I can't know that can I? Because he doesn't tell the truth.

Sadly, some people are compulsive liars and they don't change. I've only dated one compulsive liar and I lost all trust in him. He'd blame money problems on our DD's arrival when it turned out he'd spunked (literally) hundreds on porn. He'd lie about female "friends", go on holiday with them whilst with me, and then I find out that he's had relationships with them. From small things to big things, he'd lie, and it all came so naturally! And now we're not together, he'll lie through his teeth to make me feel bad about things - it's now bloody laughable that he thinks he can guilt trip me on lies! 😂

Honestly, get rid.

Yes get rid, I warned mine to never do that to me right back at the beginning.
Except for not then having DS2, I so wish I’d dumped him the next time he did it.

See, I agree largely but I keep thinking in my head... they haven't been enormous lies such as racking up big debts or cheating, I'm not worried about him being unfaithful. It is generally lying about having done things he's supposed to have done, lying about money fuck ups, hearing him exaggerate things to friends and family, or lying to get out of trouble.

I don't like it though obviously, I hate it.
What did your ex lie about @happyinthehills?

Little lies lead to bigger lies.... the problem is it doesn’t matter, you can never trust what they say. You don’t want your DD to grow up thinking it’s acceptable either, because she’ll soon recognise that stories she hears don’t add up. Lies about money could land you with big problems...

I wish I’d have left the first time I knew my stbxh lied to me. It erodes trust and intimacy. Get rid

He lies for an easy life. By lying he can pretend he's put effort into something, he can take the easy option all the time and pretend he had no choice. Not wanting to hurt you is NOT the reason why he lies.

Avoidant compulsive liar.....run OP!

Strange... I can understand people lying about drink or drug habits, gambling, cheating in a relationship etc but the type of lies you’ve mentioned that he comes out with ... I wonder why he does it and what is the point? Could this lying be the result of a mental health problem? Does he have any history of mental health issues, anxiety, depression?
I guess the reason I wonder about this is the example you gave where he’d lied about going to a job interview then you found out that he hadn’t gone, as he couldn’t be bothered... that sort of lack of motivation sounds very familiar to me, as the type of thing I’ve done (or not done) when in the grip of depression.

You wrote “He says he hadnt wanted to admit it but he thinks he's really struggling with his mental health” - did you believe this or do you think it’s just another lie! Sorry, don’t mean to sound flippant but I just feel there is something else at the bottom of this. Of course I may be completely wrong; after all, several people here have posted about their experiences with compulsive liars - maybe I find it strange because I haven’t (to my knowledge) ever met a compulsive liar (apart from a mate who tends to elaborate on stories to make them funnier; or a Walter Mitty type I once worked with who claimed an unlikely past as a soldier in some secretive, elite unit of the army - just a fantasist, a bit sad)..

@MyMumisMarv he lies when the truth is uncomfortable, so you’re never sure whether what he says is true or just people pleasing.
Eventually situations fall apart, people realise they’ve been misled, he looks bad, feels bad, lashes out, usually blaming the person who’s noticed.
Currently we are separated, he seems to be trying to fix himself. I’m not holding my breathe that he can, but am optimistic because he’s trying, whilst protecting myself and our adult DC.