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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He's under my skin

17 replies

toffeeapple123 · 29/06/2019 12:40

I've had a fair few long term relationships and short flings. I managed to get over all of the guys with no real difficulty, except my first love - ouch. Then I met a guy last year who I can't get over at all and it still hurts like hell. I fell for him the moment I saw him. But he had many issues, severe mental health problems, he was emotionally abusive and it was very on and off. After a long time of no contact, we were back in touch a few months ago, slept together, but he told me he didn't have any feelings for me. I know he's no good for me, so why can't I get over him? It's been a year since the break up fgs!

OP posts:

FuriousVexation · 29/06/2019 12:42

limerance

AtrociousCircumstance · 29/06/2019 12:42

What was your childhood like? You may find the reasons why you attach deeply to people who don’t love you/are toxic if you examine your formative years.

ashtrayheart · 29/06/2019 12:43

How were you back in touch?
Agree sounds like limerence and suggest you make sure that you can’t be in touch ever again.

Original poster

toffeeapple123 · 29/06/2019 12:44

AtrociousCircumstance Very loving parents and stable upbringing.

OP posts:

Original poster

toffeeapple123 · 29/06/2019 12:45

ashtrayheart I thought i was over him and wanted to clear the air. He didn't have to be so cold about the total lack of feelings. When I asked him if he fancied me still, he said 'only physically'. It still hurts.

OP posts:

ashtrayheart · 29/06/2019 12:56

That does sound hurtful and I’ve experienced this obsessional type of ‘love’ a few times. The only thing that cuts it dead is no contact, at all, ever!

Original poster

toffeeapple123 · 29/06/2019 12:58

ashtrayheart It usually takes me a few weeks to get over an ex, or crush or whatever. But close to a year of no contact, except a couple of months of messaging and sleeping together, I'm still no nearer to being over him. This isn't normal for me, it's so hurtful, and I just want to be done with it! I honestly think I won't ever be over it...

OP posts:

ashtrayheart · 29/06/2019 13:03

There is someone who I had a brief fling with a few years ago, who I can’t totally avoid due to kids at same school. But I do my best because I can be totally fine, unless I see them and it starts up again in my head. There’s a song with a line ‘I was doing fine until I saw your face, now I can’t erase’ which always make me think of this! And the time you saw this person would have undone all the no contact progress sadly. And the rejection has probably amplified it. Block them on everything and avoid anywhere you might see them, always. Easy for me to say I know

BaweB · 29/06/2019 13:12

This was me a few years ago and this guy was a bonafide arsehole. It's hard BUT it you need to stick to your guns and one day I promise you'll be like "WTAF was I thinking?!" I was obsessed with this guy and now I'm just embarrassed.

Seriously, you need to be strict with yourself and remember that just because you feel these strong emotions doesn't make it real. You'll meet someone who loves you and treats you as you should be treated.

For me, I think I was so desperate to be loved at that point in my life that it made me vulnerable but it's much better to be single than to be with someone who isn't good for or to you.

Good luck x

category12 · 29/06/2019 13:22

Traumatic bonding? Have you sought any support with dealing with the aftermath of the emotional abuse?

qazxc · 29/06/2019 13:33

I think the answer lies in no contact with him ever. Because as soon as you reopen that door, you'll find yourself sucked in and will end up hurt again.
Maybe some looking into why you seem to go for flawed men would be helpful too.

Original poster

toffeeapple123 · 29/06/2019 13:55

Thank you for all your lovely replies.

I have tried no contact though. And it hasn’t got any better. While I’ve stopped talking to him again, the pain is still there and has been since a year ago. I don’t see how going on the same as before is going to change how much pain I’m in. I’m not going to get back in touch with him, don’t worry, but any pointers other than NC would be much appreciated.

OP posts:

TeaForTheWin · 29/06/2019 14:07

The thing with abusive sorts is they often have this magnetism about them. Like wow, the chemistry. But it isn't love ya know, it's powerful but it isn't love. Its a mix of their raw testosterone and the fact that they mirror ourselves back at us that just makes us feel all giddy and hooks us in.

You always have to love yourself more. Always. Educating yourself on the nature of cluster b personality disorders and seeing them for what they really are can loosten the allure these sorts have. When you learn its all a bullshit mask and really they are just bloodthirsty leaches with empty souls...that helps.

Countrypie · 29/06/2019 16:16

Continue no contact (essential) and get rid of any reminders of him (presents, photos, clothes you wore when with him etc etc) and then try to trick your mind into thinking he never existed/ it was only a dream. It will eventually fade but you have to be strict with yourself (and no stalking on sm) and realise, as others have said, that this is obsessive not love. Very powerful but not love. Also, l think the more unavailable someone is the more intense these feelings can become. Xx

Doormat247 · 29/06/2019 16:33

I feel the same about my ex despite him being an utter arsehole. He spoke to me like I was shit half the time, yet he could also be amazing for the rest of the time.
We'd never have worked out as our outlook on life is different but almost a year after breaking up I still love him. I check his social media a lot and check whether he's still on dating websites (he is, probably because he's such a twat). Every time something wonderful happens I wish he was with me.

I'm happy with my wonderful partner and wish I could get rid of these stupid feelings I have for my ex as I do feel it's impacting my new relationship. I've gone no contact since we broke up but only because he doesn't want anything to do with me.

Did you have a proper discussion when you broke up, or soon afterwards? I think this is why I still have my feelings towards the ex, because I never got the exact reason for the ending, or chance to discuss why it all went wrong.

Richik · 29/06/2019 17:07

I'd never even heard of the word 'limerance'. Just looked it up and shocked to discover that I'd actually had that last year. I guess you learn something new each day!

HypatiaCade · 29/06/2019 21:48

If you have got over most of your boyfriends after just a few weeks, then I suspect you were never really that 'into' them. The reason why it's taken longer with him, is because you really did fall for him. So no point in comparing timeframes.

Take it easy on yourself, allow yourself to mourn the loss of the relationship.

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