Any advice?

[Katiecakies]

Hi all,

Just after some perspective really from people who don’t know me and my situation.

Been with my partner for 10 years (technically) We’ve split up a few times but always still carried on as if we were together (we own a flat together, a cat but no children)
The problem is I feel like we want the same thing but not? He seems to have immatured over the years and is appearing to be quite selfish, whilst being an absolutely lovely person at the same time? Since the 1st “split” 2 years ago now, he sorta does what he wants in terms of going away with his mates to Ibiza 5 times in that period. I don’t mind him having fun with mates, but on one trip I found out he had kissed somebody out there and was messaging her when he got back and another time he went, came back and broke up with me again a few weeks later because it wasn’t working (I had got funny with him for going again and adding girls he met on Facebook - he said he just likes to meet new people and make friends and doesn’t want to be in a relationship that means he can’t do that) I’m not saying he can’t but he should consider me and my feelings too?

I really want to settle down and have children, and he said he wants that too and that he couldn’t not see me in his life. I love him so much and when I try to say we need to call it quits and move on, it never happens. I know I need to do it, I just can’t bring myself to sell our home and see him move on with somebody else. Half of me thinks if we’re still drawn together after all this time, it’s meant to be, half of me thinks I’m wasting my life here and my biological clock is ticking (I’m 34). He told me a few days ago his friends are booking to go again in August and wants to go... I just feel like he’s not bothered about me or how I feel or spending time with me and building our relationship? He says he loves me more than anything but what he does says the opposite?

Not sure what I’m after here... anybody been in a similar situation? TIA

It sounds like you want different things. I’d find it difficult to respect a man who has reached his mid30s and still just prioritises Ibiza over everything. And the frequent breakups are a massive red flag. He doesn’t want what you want, and he doesn’t want you enough. Stop wasting your time.

Sounds like he wants his cake and to eat
It.

"Yeah I wanna be single! woo! Wait, whos gonna wash my pants?"

:( thank you both. I know, and that’s what ppl IRL have told me too, but I don’t know why I can’t let go? Maybe because it’s been such a long time and I’ve given most of my youth to him. We get along so well, the only issue that comes between us is his desire to party so much with his mates (majority divorced)

Imagine having kids and him swanning off to Ibiza every 6 months, leaving you with the kids and not enough money or annual leave left for family holidays?
Walk away while you still can x

@newmomof1 - I know, I think about that and have said that and he said he would be different if he had kids and he wants to enjoy life whilst he can before settling down to have a family.

I’m just scared that I won’t meet anybody else I love as much as him and that’ll I’ll end up on my own. The little devil on my shoulder says “he does love me and that maybe I’m being controlling by restricting him” but then I think like others have said he’s having his cake and eating it.
I know I’m silly, I’m annoyed at myself reading what I’ve written tbh, just so much harder when you’re in the situation.

You’re not silly, you’re a kind and loving woman who deserves someone who feels that love and family life are not a prison sentence. Don’t worry about being alone, it’s unlikely that will happen - but if you force family life on someone, the likelihood of it ending in disaster is high. Move on.

I wouldn't believe him about changing his ways if you had dc. There will always be an excuse for "one last blowout". And another one.

What you have with him is what it's going to be like, it's not going to change. If anything, having dc together will make it worse - you'll have zero freedom and by God he'll keep his.

This isn't good enough for you, you deserve better. Stop wasting your fertile years on a relationship that isn't horrible but isn't very good either. You deserve to be happy and to have someone who makes you feel good and important.

he wants to enjoy life whilst he can before settling down to have a family. He’s betrayed his feelings about having a family here hasn’t he?! When you meet the love of your life you generally WANT to settle down with them and start a family, share your lives together and look forward to all that brings. Obvs you don’t give up your friends and independence altogether, but it seems that he’s treating family life as a sentence before it’s even begun.

Personally I’d leave and start afresh with someone who’s on the same page as you.

This guy clearly doesn’t respect your relationship if he’s off meeting ‘girls’ and adding them to Facebook, using the ‘we were on a break’ excuse for his shitty behaviour etc no doubt orchestrating arguments so he has an excuse for flirting/kissing/who knows what else while he’s away.

He’s a man-child and you DO NOT want to have a child with one of those! You’re aware that time is of the essence for women re children. He doesn’t have that issue, and will think nothing of wasting your fertile years messing you about. Dump his sorry ass and find a grown up

Honestly OP he wants to act like a single man, adding girls on Facebook, partying in Ibiza, having "top bantz" all with the safety and security of having you as the adult at home providing the security that comes with an adult relationship.

You deserve better than being someone's back up plan or security blanket. It breaks you mentally and emotionally to be treated like this, please think long and hard about the future you want, just because you have spent 10 years making a mistake doesn't mean you have to continue making it.