Lonely in my marriage.

[East2Coast]

Strap yourselves in, this might be long.

Part of the problem is that I'm finding it hard to explain what's wrong.

Been with DH for 6 years, married for 2.
Our adult DCs have left home.

Suddenly I started to be ill a year ago. I've got from active to frequent inactivity because of pain and tiredness, certainly my mental health has suffered. I apologise for everything all the time, I feel fat, ugly, useless, worthless, pointless.
This whole thing may well be all on me.

DH has never been good at expressing his feelings, I knew that when I married him, it was something I could live around then. I didn't image that things would turn out as they have.

We went to a hospital appointment this week. DH drove, he's an angry driver. This upsets me now. I think it's because his driving anger is one of the only feelings he demonstrates. He shouted that a woman was a 'fucking stupid cow' in the car yesterday. He never shouts, doesn't normally get angry and has never used gender-specific insults at motorists before. Even though it isn't it feels like it's directed at me and this road rage is getting worse.

As I've put on weight BMI 27, up from 22 ish he's become lecherous with other women. Again, he wasn't like this before. It coincides with a plummet in my self esteem.

To add to illness there's the perfect storm of the fact that the DCs have left home. I've got over the empty nest but I've lost my role as a mother.

We moved to another area 3 years ago. Neither of us has friends here, I thought making them would be easy but then, I didn't bargain on being stuck indoors so much.

His career has soared whereas I've taken lower paid work a 10k a year pay cut, my salary isn't bad and I like my job but he's mixing with young, sexy, materialistic people. He's trying desperately to be like them he's 50! then he comes home to me, miserable and in pain. There's more than a whiff of middle aged crisis about him at the moment.

The long hours he is working mean that he is frequently short tempered when he gets home. Even his boss has told him to take a holiday we are soon.

DH says he wants me to say what I want more. When I do he usually ignores what I've said and we do what he wants anyway.

I've talked to him plenty of times but he's not good at empathising and I'm knackered with trying to explain how I feel and how we can move things forward.

I'm lonely, fed up and I don't know what to do, say or think anymore.

Just leave him, your working so will be able to support yourself.
Why not go to see a solicitor on Monday and get the ball rolling?

Whats with all the crossed out words?

I was similar.

My health improved when emotionally abusive husband left.

Is it a coincidence that your health plummeted 1 year into marriage to a complete arse? Yes, you were with him for years before this, but these types accelerate with increased dependency e.g. marriage. I'm guessing his behaviour deteriorated around this time, though was likely also quite poor beforehand.

Is Counselling worth a go?

If only to work out definitely that you don't want to be with him...

Boysey45 I can't leave right now. My health can be very poor and the effects of the drugs can make it worse. I hit my head in the shower on Monday and I knocked a chunk out of my forehead. DH scooped me up and took me to A&E.
That type of incident happens a lot. I would be a proper liability if I lived alone.

The other reason(s) I can't leave immediately are financial.

FuriousVexation in my case the crossed out words are my thoughts and asides. Other people use them in other ways.

He wasn't always an arse PicsInRed yes, he's never been good at identifying his own feelings or empathising with others, I have long suspected that he has ASC but knowing that I took the decision to be with him. His recent crappy behaviour came after the illness. He didn't cause the illness, I need an operation. For all of his lack of emotional intelligence and empathy he is very good at taking care of me physically when I need that.

It won't be immediate but I should make a complete recovery after my operation.

I take responsibility for the fact that I am vulnerable lately, mixed in with the loneliness it's really knocked me.

Just this week I started counselling myself ByeBye. I wouldn't go with DH for now, I don't think he can articulate what is wrong with him at the moment, whereas I can articulate my fears and emotions and I need help for myself now.

Eh? Why has a pp a problem with a few crossed out words? I don't!

I think you firstly need to stop worrying about him and stop feeling guilty about his situation. You're more important.

You need to put all of your effort in to you and your mental health. I think counselling is really important. Is there an old friend you could chat to to vent some frustration? Maybe over the phone if no one's near? Think about who makes you laugh or puts you in a good mood. Online forums are good to find people going through similar and making connections. Is there a hobby you might feel up to when you have more energy? Maybe something creative? Is there anything you've stopped doing since being unwell? It might seem like a lot of energy but getting a haircut, watching a film etc are the sort of things we stop doing when we feel down. Are there any health support groups near you? It will get easier. You've had a lot to deal with in a short space of time.

We're always led to believe that our nearest and dearest will be our rocks when we need them but the truth is they often fall apart or dont step up when we need them to. We're all human. I wouldn't make a judgement on your dh or relationship when you feel like this but you are going to need support from others. He is not helping which is making it worse for you. I think men are at their worst when they feel helpless.

I'm sure a holiday will do you both good.

Huncamuncaa you're right. Though it's tricky not to feel guilty. It's not my, all of this but it is me that's ill.

I suspect that occasionally DH wishes that he had decided to marry someone else or was single, which isn't ok but it's understandable, I sometimes wish I could leave me these days. In that context, of that is what he thinks sometimes of course he doesn't want to talk about it but the radio silence isn't helping me.

My two best friends live 300 miles away, I only see them 3 or 4 times a year these days.
One of them in particular is great to talk to but she's got young DCs and a full on career. It's hard to find a time to talk about spurious things.

Pre illness I liked walking, running, yoga, the cinema, comedy clubs that sort of thing. Lately I either can't do them or they aren't very sociable hobbies. In normal circumstances I'm the most clumsy, least crafty person ever.

Right now I am tempted to go to a diet group even though I shouldn't be on a diet atm and I don't believe in them anyway or find a local WI I don't know how to make jam but often I'm too exhausted to be bothered.

I'm good at getting regular haircuts, I do my makeup when I'm not WFH.

There aren't any health support groups nearby or much of anything.

Certainly DH is not at his best when he feels hopeless. I'd agree with that.

We're lucky to be able for afford a holiday my hope is that it will do us both good.

If surgery is needed, can you afford to go private?

Is he really an emotionally abusive ass, as picsinred implies? Doesn't sound like that to me. Sounds like he's having his own serious problems but he's trying his best. You're both rubbing each other the wrong way.

There will be something in your area. Ask at your GP surgery or library about supportive groups. If things are fraught at home it's important to be able to talk to others - even if its just mundane things and finding a reason to get out the house does help.

If friends are busy with kids, send a text to let then know how you are at the moment. You dont have to meet up but I'm sure they would be concerned and would make time for a chat when the kids are in bed. Or a text conversation can be as helpful. Friends often have a better perspective on situations.

Also, coping with a crappy situation with a partner doesn't mean the other person regrets being with you!

They are probably just desperate for you to get better and struggling to cope, perhaps by throwing themselves into work. Second guessing your dps feelings for you is not going to help your mental health.

Yes, I will be able to have surgery privately but currently there is a complication which is being addressed before I can have surgery.

In normal circumstances then no, he isn't EA. Currently he is definitely being a dick, nasty and treating me badly.

The medical problem itself, my current medication and the operation are all a big deal and I think that he's not coping with it. Before all of this I knew that I prop him up emotionally, now that has largely been taken away and there is the added stress of an unwell wife on top of that. I think he is being nasty because he can't cope.

I'm 10 miles from the nearest public library hunca. Do you know what I could search for on Google?
Second guessing isn't helping, you're right.