Son is not engaging in life - please help.

[xpc316e]

I live with my partner of 16 years and her 18 year old son. He was abandoned by his biological father before he was born. My partner left him in the Philippines when she came to work in the UK. He came to the UK at the age of five. He has two older sisters, aged 24 and 26, who have left home and were no problem whatsoever.

He has just finished his college course and will go to Uni in the autumn. He will not speak to us, spends his whole life in his room in the dark. He has an extraordinarily restricted diet of crap and refuses to try any new foods. He agrees that he needs to get some sort of holiday job, but steadfastly avoids doing anything about it. He has never in his life called his mother Mum, Mummy, or anything at all. Oddly enough, he does call me Dad.

He has no friends or interests (other than computer games - there's a surprise) and takes no exercise. He is incredibly weedy and built like a racing broom handle.

About 5 years ago we took him to the GP because we were very concerned about his lack of engagement with life on any level. The GP referred him to Child and Adult Mental Health, but DS managed to convince them in a phone interview that there was nothing wrong with him.

I have asked my partner what she sees him doing in 5 years time and she wants him to be living independently. However, she does nothing to enable that: she treats him like a Prince and requires him to do nothing, unlike the girls who always played a part in the running of the house. She buys him rubbish food and allows him to treat the home like a 5 star hotel. She still feels guilty about having to leave him in the care of his grandmother and uncle when she returned to the UK to work and support him. He knows exactly which buttons to press to make her feel awful.

He wants to study computer games design (don't they all?) but to my mind has no prospect of ever getting a job as his communication skills are so dreadful. He has zero life skills and is incredibly lazy. If I make him do something like wash a pot, or a pan, he makes such a mess of it in order to never be asked again. He is OCD about getting dirty and it is painful to watch him do anything.

The situation is making me very depressed and it is beginning to cause friction between me and my partner. He has never been diagnosed with any conditions. What would you advise?

Going to University - hopefully a long way from home - could be the making of him, as if he's far enough away, he can't get Mum to wait upon him any more and he might meet people that he wants to engage with; not everybody finds 'their people' early in life.

It might not happen in the first term - or year - but there's a good chance he'll start being more capable at some point, as a bunch of other teenagers will not be likely to clean up after him and will make their displeasure very clear if he trashes the shared kitchen/socialising area.

Trying to hold back that understandable anger/resentment/frustration for a few more weeks, you could say 'OK, I know your Mum really wants to keep on doing this stuff for you, but she can't once you're at Uni. You need to know how to use a washing machine, cook, etc, and I'm happy to show you. If you can't do them, you'll end up with dirty clothes and smelly, which I know you hate, because you're a clean person'.

Might work, might not. But you will have tried in a different way to 'it's not fair on your Mum', which as he appears to still resent her - or at least finds it a handy way of getting out of anything he doesn't want to do - isn't going to get you very far.

@xpc316e
You are right it is a terrible way for a young man to be developing and I have every sympathy for you. Ignore the 'blame' idiots on here who aren't helping - it's just pathetic.

I think you are very sympathetic and concerned and that is considering the fact that you are not his biological father shows what a good man you are.

My DS is younger and an only child, and I can see him being exactly the same as your DS. I have started to put some very strict concessions in place in terms of when he can and cannot game, in his case it's mainly a PS4.

I am very strict (horribly so, but I have to be), and think the older the child, the harder this becomes (in your case). It takes an awful lot of effort to divert them onto doing other things, insomuch as getting them out, being independent, cleaning their dark caves of a room etc.

In other words, extremely strict measures of diversion are called for, and for a parent, its an awful lot of time, dedication and pressure. It's very hard to undo bad habits and i have every sympathy and respect for you.

@FloatingthroughSpace

That pathways program looks good. It does seem like he's stuck in bad habits and a program like that would help begin to develop life skills.

CBT Behavioural activation might be helpful too

I don’t think that you are anything other than a decent parent trying his best. I agree with the pps who are suggesting the possibility of autism.

He wants to study computer games design (don't they all?) but to my mind has no prospect of ever getting a job as his communication skills are so dreadful

So the one thing he wants to do you kill it for him? Ever thought that doing something he loves, being. With other students might help his communication skills and happiness?

Why kick his one ambition to the kerb. Did you actually tell him you thought he'd no hope? I sincerely hope you didn't.

Encourage him. Studying with like minded students will help him develop.

Stop trampling on his dreams.

I have spent most of my working life involved with children with autism. A friend of 20 years has just received a diagnosis, it dawned on me only a few months ago that she had social communication difficulties. The fact that you are in education is irrelevant I am afraid.

I'm sure plenty of people manage household tasks after shoulder surgery albeit with discomfort or difficulty. Especially where they don't have a spouse to rely on.

Unfortunately I've seen this before when men want a load of backslapping for 'taking on' their DWs kids from a previous relationship but really they're just waiting for them to leave because ultimately they just want DW to themselves.

You might have a long wait in this case.

I think your disparaging remarks about his career choice says it all. Many IT roles now are largely home based, interviews are aptitude tests etc. There is very little face to face interaction, it's mostly Lync/ Slack etc. There's no reason why he shouldn't be able to pursue a role in game design or other avenues of IT. But putting him down is certainly not going to do anything to benefit his chances.

FloatingthroughSpace, thanks for the stuff about pathways to adulthood; it looks as though it is quite useful.

I think you are right to be concerned and i cant believe some of the negative comments people are making towards yourself, i agree with your view point. Hopefully university will make him grow up and start to take responsibility for his future. Maybe when he gets there and makes new friends he will see a whole new charpter of life opening up in front of him.

Thanks to those of who made positive contributions; I appreciate your views, information, and support.

How own mother refuses to take this seriously so i wouldn't hold my breath on waiting for improvement.
There is more than just guilt behind the mother's infantilising and pandering of her son.
I suspect there also a cultural element to this too.
Of course the girls were given responsibilities and required to learn life skills - who else is going to wait on these Little Lord Fauntleroy's?
Of course they were expected to earn their keep/money whilst it's given freely to the son - she obviously values a son more than a daughter.

There may be a cultural element, but I am not so sure how deep that runs. For example, I am expected to do things so it isn't a case of men sitting back while the women do all the work.

The work ethic is famously strong in Filipinos; his sisters wanted to get jobs as soon as they were able. The country has no benefits system like we have and if you don't work, there is no roof over your head or food on your table. I tend to go for the guilt, but I suppose it does not matter that much because the end result is the same - she will agree with me that he needs to get his life on a new course, but then does nothing about helping him.

I have taken some stick for my lack of enthusiasm for his current choice of college course which is perhaps somewhat understandable, but do let me offer an explanation as to why I hold my views.

At a parents' evening soon after he started the course the tutor who runs it explained that the course would not lead to any employment opportunities. At best it would lead into a Uni degree that even then would be unlikely to result in a job.

How am I supposed to jump for joy at that? The colleges and Unis provide these courses because there is a demand at student level, but no proven need for graduates. Education is now a business and if they do not get the students to sign up for their courses, they are out of a job.

This situation is a replica of what happened a few years ago. Due to the popularity of the CSI type of TV shows loads of students wanted careers in forensics. The Unis provided the courses at the same time that the Home Office put all their forensic work out to the private sector. At a stroke 50% of forensic science jobs in this country were lost, but the Unis did not worry as they had the cash from their students.

That is why I am highly dubious about his choice of course.

He has not always been poor at communicating; it is something that has developed over about the last 8 years

Right, but he's 18 and only came here at 5 ?

It screams autism to me too.

Not sure why some posters are so nasty - I suspect they are transferring their own issues so just ignore/don't respond.
You sound like a good dad and partner to me and you are looking for advice to help your son become a functioning member of society.

My thoughts- what do his sisters say to him? Are they able to try and communicate with him about this issue? Does he have any friends at all? On the course for example?
Could you try and 'talk' to him about this issue over WhatsApp or Messenger or something? Lay out that you love him and want him to be happy and independent - he has already told you he doesn't like his life - what does he think needs to happen to improve his life? What does he think needs to change and what small steps can he take to make the changes?

I wouldn't worry too much about the lack of job prospects for his chosen course - he will learn skills that are transferable to other jobs and he will learn other life and social skills at uni, and the fact that he has something he is interested in is a good sign - I would support and encourage that as see it with a wider perspective.

Elbbob, thanks for your perspective, particularly on those who just want to criticise. That bit of advice was most useful to me.

His sisters have now both left home and have only basic communication with him. There are no regular phone calls between them and the middle girl is away in Guatemala for 6 months at present. Even when they lived with us, he did not chat to them and I can't imagine him opening up emotionally to them. I would be willing to try Whatsapp, etc., as a means of opening channels, but I would find it tough - I shall see what he says.

He had one friend through Primary and up to GCSE time at High School, but it was an odd relationship. When his pal had sleepovers with us it was always his pal who conducted all the play and DS went along with everything he told him to do. In no way was it an equal friendship. When at college he and and his coursemates would often walk past the offices where I worked on way to the local Asda for lunch and I'd see a group of them with my lad tagging along behind them, a few yards back. He has no social life whatsoever; he does not want to go to pubs, live music venues, etc.

He did do the National Citizens Service course two years ago and when I went to meet him at the end of the first week he was animated and alive. He spoke more to me on the car journey home than he had done in the previous five years. I did let him know how pleased I was that we could talk. That improvement in his spirit did not last though and he slowly sank after the course.

I did ask him whether he was gay, as he has shown no interest in girls. I assured him that it would make no difference to me if he were, but he said he wasn't. LGBTQ is regarded very positively in our home and I am a part-time worker for the Terence Higgins Trust, so I am pretty sure that he'd know he would be supported if he were gay.

He has always been an expert in providing the answers that he knows will get him off the hook. He will agree that he needs to develop life skills such as cooking for himself, but when push comes to shove he will not actually do anything about it. We made sure that the girls were good cooks so that when they went off to Uni they could make meals for their mates in halls and develop friendships over food. DS would exist on pepperoni pizza for the rest of his life and will shy away from trying new food, so even if someone else cooks at Uni he isn't going to be able to sit down and partake of the grub.

One autistic trait that he does display is an inability to establish and maintain eye contact when talking. I think that his food problems are linked to his being somewhere on the autistic spectrum.

I will double up on the efforts to tell him that he is loved and that we want him to be happy with his life - thanks for making that point. My partner agrees with me that we have to do something, but shies away from getting down to it. In the past I have told DS that things need to be talked about and given him perhaps a week to choose a time to chat to me, but he never schedules a get-together in the hope that it all gets put on the back-burner.

I have just talked with my partner and she has agreed that we will seek an agreement tonight from him that he needs to play a part in tomorrow night's meal, so that is a good start.

Thanks again for your help.

I think aspie too.

its quite normal for this to become more apparent as they get older

I think the main thing is that he is doing something. Even if the course doesnt immediately lead to something, it might, and it will keep him busy and interested in something while hes doing it, and he might decide to go into a different type of web develpment later.

Somebody designs computer games - if is what he is interested in then why not him? You may find he comes out of his room and engages if you took his ambition seriously.

I missed your point about CSI / forensics - there are still forensic scientists They are just employed by the private sector who contract into the public sector.

Your son will spend a long time in a job - he should have a choice of what it is.

My daughter wants to be an artist. I know that most will be broke for most of their life - but I am in awe of her. She has applied herself, is currently the top of her year - with 3* predicted for A level. I see her produce stunning work because it is what she enjoys and what she is good at. It is pure joy to watch. Her mental health and self respect is worth every penny that university will cost. And who knows she might be one of the ones that earns a good living from it.

Unescorted, it isn't his course/career ambition that concerns me; it is his lack of engagement with us and the rest of his world that worries me. I expect that your daughter shows you her work, but DS has never shown us anything he has done, despite our taking an interest and asking to see what he has done. How will his withdrawn life help him become a games designer?

OP it sounds like you are describing my son with every post!

Withdrawn from the world, no social life, doesn't drink or smoke. He is a very good artist, but I only know this coz I sneak a look at his sketch books when he's out. He's never shown anyone his work, even though he states he wants to be an artist. One previous girlfriend, who he adored, but she cheated on him and dumped him and its like he's written off girls because of this, despite girls making it obvious they are interested in him.

Do you think your DS is depressed at all? I know its a word that's thrown about a lot, but my son's issues really started to get bad when he went to university and developed such severe depression in his second year that he attempted to take his own life.

Its taken a long time (years) to get him to take baby steps back into life but even so, now, his only interests are art (he does amazing manga stuff but never shows anyone), karate (black belt and on the England team for his style), teaching himself Japanese via apps, and cooking healthy food from scratch.

He beats himself up internally if he cannot do something perfectly, and this tends to make him just not bother to try. I do wish he'd refer himself to mental health services locally, but that would mean admitting he wasn't coping and it would be something else for him to beat himself up about for not being perfect.

I do think its a vicious circle OP. I don't know what to suggest really, but you do sound caring. What do we do?