Upset with husbands family while he is grieving

[LolaD78]

I don’t know if I’m overreacting but I’m so upset on behalf of my husband. His Mum and Dad split up many years ago when he was around 8. His mum had an affair and left his Dad. She then went on to have two more children with her new partner, although they also divorced some years later.
My husband lived with his Dad and sister after their divorce and has always had a good relationship with him. He didn’t speak to his Mum for many years and while for the last 15 years they have been back in contact their relationship is friendly but not particularly loving. She isn’t particularly interested in him or our children and we will see her only a couple of times a year despite her only living around 15 miles away. My husband sees his siblings on his Mums side now and again and as far as we are concerned everyone gets on ok, again not particularly close. My husbands Dad died earlier this week from cancer. He was ill for several months and although the death was expected my husband is understandably upset and is grieving. He was with his Dad in the days leading up to his death with his two sisters and his Dads wife.
Since his death my husband hasn’t heard a thing from his Mum or siblings on his Mums side. While we never expected much emotional support I can’t believe they haven’t even just dropped him a quick text to say they are sorry to hear about his Dad or that they are thinking of him. I just can’t believe how insensitive some people are. I’m so tempted to say something but I don’t want to create any drama as I don’t think my husband need it right now. I was married before and while my exhusband and I aren’t in much contact with each other I know that if he died I would want to support my children through their grief.
Has anyone else experienced similar?? TIA

When my father died I recieved no condolences from any family member at all. In fact I learned of his death via my mother telling me what I thought was a dramatic anecdote. Imagine my surprise when she reached the punchline, and it was that my own dad had died.

From her POV the idea was that her ex had died a shit, slightly shameful death, not that her dd needed to hear her df had died. My feelings on the subject were even further from her mind than how she ought to announce the death itself...

Some families are just like that. Some folk are terrible, self centered and just dont get it.

Your dh might be better off being supported and loved by those who really "get" him - dont draw attention to the shit family members iyswim - it doesn't help anyone and won't help dh in his grief.

Sorry OP x

Have you told his mum and sisters that DH dad has died .
Sometimes people just don't know .

This was my first thought too. Are you sure they know??

I wouldn't say anything at this point - depending on how recent his dad's death was, he may not have even noticed his mother's lack of contact.

Given how his mother is, he may not even expect her to contact him as they don't have a close relationship. If he got very little from her in childhood, he's likely to expect very little from her now.

I advise watchful waiting here - if he hasn't mentioned anything to you in about six weeks, it may be that he has exceptionally low expectations of her and she's acting true to form. If you bring this lack of contact from his mother into conversation you risk opening a big can of worms when DH is emotionally vulnerable.

Let him grieve the loss of his Dad unencumbered by his mother's inadequacies.

The only thing you can do is continue to support him through this.

Thanks everyone x

How sad for your DP. I too come from a long ago broken family unit with step parents and half siblings involved. It’s always very complex, and lots of deep rooted feelings and issues all round. Maybe his DM had reasons very strong for leaving his DF all those years ago, and dislikes him to such a degree that she is indifferent to his death. However that doesn’t excuse her behaviour for not empathising with her DS. She can still appreciate how devastating it is for him even if she isn’t sad about her exh’s passing.

She's acting true to form. She left her kids to be with another man and you barely see her now. I'm so sorry and hope your husband is ok.

She's acting true to form. She left her kids to be with another man and you barely see her now.

This was my first thought as well. She showed that she's a selfish, disgusting person when she made the conscious choice to destroy her family when her son was a child. And, yes, I'd have exactly the same opinion if the sexes were reversed. I'd have been more surprised if she had shown any kindness right now. Not that that excuses her vile lack of reaction to her son's grief in any way of course.

I know we all want nasty selfish people to NOT be selfish and nasty, but they are what they are and to expect a piranha not to be a piranha is unreasonable.

I’m sorry for your dp loss, but he’s not going to get anything from his family in the way of support

He’s never had a decent family, that’s not going to change sadly, no matter what he does, or how much he needs them to.

It’s crap love, but at least he has you! (((Hug))) for you both