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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Coming to terms with no man and no family

25 replies

toffeeapple123 · 28/06/2019 16:03

I’m going to end up without a life partner and family. I just know it. How do I come to terms with it?

OP posts:
PhannyPharts · 28/06/2019 16:16

But you don't know it for sure? None of us knows the future. What is making you feel like that?

toffeeapple123 · 28/06/2019 16:34

I don’t fall in love easily and I’m not meeting men despite my efforts.

I think I need to start coming to terms with it now.

OP posts:
ProteinshakesandAntonsbum · 28/06/2019 16:35

How old are you?

takeanotherchillpill · 28/06/2019 16:37

How old are you?

toffeeapple123 · 28/06/2019 16:38

Mid 30s

OP posts:
dragonway · 28/06/2019 16:40

What’s your age and circumstances? Do you work? Are you living in a city. Things you could do include 1) go travelling for a year. Lots of my friends met their life partners that way 2) relocate somewhere very sociable like Bristol or Brighton 3) set up your own meet-up group on the meet-up website for a hobby and that you are into and meet somebody like minded that way eg badminton or running or board games.

ProteinshakesandAntonsbum · 28/06/2019 16:41

It's not too late.

If you find the right person, it may not take you ages to fall in love.

What's prompted this feeling, that it's never going to happen?

My dbro never had a girlfriend serious enough for us to meet. He met his wife at 37. They married 18 months later and at 42 he has 2 kids and they are very happy.

dodgeballchamp · 28/06/2019 16:42

Focus on making your life as amazing as possible and do all the things you want to do. I firmly believe people should make themselves the centre of their own lives and see relationships as an added bonus - I’ve never been happier since I started doing this. Take up whatever hobbies and activities you want, or just stay in bed all weekend if you fancy! Challenge the belief you NEED a partner for happiness. No other person can fill a void - only you can do that. You could have children alone if you were prepared to do that

dragonway · 28/06/2019 16:42

Mid 30s! That’s young. The first thing is a life overhaul. Where are you living and working? Are you in a small office just with women? Do you live in the middle of nowhere. That would need changing ASAP. Did you go to university in your 20s?

rvby · 28/06/2019 16:42

Loads of people will be along to insist you will meet someone etc.

However it is usually a really good idea to come to terms with the facts of loneliness. If you do, you become less fearful of being alone, which can, counterintuitively, make you more open to meeting people because it takes the pressure off.

For me, taking up a daily art practice, exploring spiritual stuff, and writing a journal were the key things that helped. Volunteering was something I added later and that was a huge step forward.

I can't say it will help you but those are my suggestions x

FuriousVexation · 28/06/2019 16:43

Dont come to Brighton unless you're both rich and gay.

It's not clear from your OP, are you looking for a romantic partner or friends?

chockaholic72 · 28/06/2019 17:20

Like rvby says, I think the important thing is that you have to be realistic that it may not happen, and start doing this as soon as possible. Then, you have to make your peace with the fact that it isn't happening. When people say, oh, it will probably be fine, this is wrong, because for a lot of people, men and women, it won't turn out the way you want it.

It happened to me. It's not an easy process - I have always wanted a husband and children, but it didn't happen. I struggled with it for a long time, but my lightbulb moment came when my female GP (also single and childless) said to me "there is more than one road to take to be happy". And she was right. I started to actively plan for a life on my own - from idealistic topics like travel and challenges, to practical things like my pension. So much time and energy is wasted by delaying things just in case Mr Right (or Mr He'll Do) comes along. When the realisation comes that you aren't having what you want, then there doesn't seem to be a gaping hole in your life so much. It softens the blow a little bit.

The other thing I thought was that part of me hating being single and childless was about feeling left out and alienated when all my friends were settling down and having children when I wasn't. Every BBQ, every party, was all about the kids, and there was me, some kind of maiden auntie. You just have to try and put it out of your mind. Don't go to every b'day, every christening, etc if you don't feel up to it. I did my best mat's kids and that was fine. Don't put yourself through anything that might upset you.

It isn't a quick or easy process. You'll be in your mid-forties, thinking you're over it, going on nice holidays and learning to play the piano, and then you're told you're in perimenopause, and go on HRT, and you think, "oh, this really isn't going to happen, is it?" And it really hits you in the solar plexus. And so you take time to grieve for the family that never was, and you take a deep breath, and you carry on. Because you still have a life of your own to live. There will be a hole there where you wanted a family to be, but it can be a good, happy life, and it's up to you to fill that hole, because only you will find something else that fills it. It might not be a perfect fit, but it will leave a crack rather than a gaping chasm.

I try to be a good auntie, and a good godmother. I don't sweat the small stuff. I sponsor a child in Laos. I take my friends out for the afternoon and listen to their mum woes. Despite not having children, and struggling with it, I'm now in a good place and pretty happy.

LondonJax · 28/06/2019 17:33

Mid 30s! I must admit I did marry at 21 - and divorced at 34 years old.

But my second husband and I didn't meet until I was 39 years old. We married when I was 41 years old and had our DS when I was 43 years old.

I joined a group called SPICE when I was 39 years old - just to get out and about. The group is nationwide and the idea behind it is to meet people (both sexes - it's not a dating agency) who enjoy doing the same things. So there's pub meet ups, walking weekends, chocolate tasting, abseiling, skiing holidays - all sorts. I met some wonderful people through the organisation - including 5 women friends, my husband and our DS's two Godfathers. I didn't join looking for someone, I wanted to just 'do' something different now and then. But when you meet people who like the same things as you sometimes it clicks so you make friends (or find a man maybe).

However, I'd got myself in a pretty happy place being single. I enjoyed my work, had good friends and had a nice flat (I still miss that flat when I'm cleaning our house!). I went to the gym, got fit and generally felt pretty good at being what I was. I'd used my time to study for a degree with the OU, had got a few promotions, was earning well because of it which meant I could get out and about as I wanted to.

I also realised that I could be 'selfish' with my time - if I wanted to take off to a spa for a weekend I didn't have to worry about coinciding it with someone else. Now that can feel lonely (no-one there to worry about you) or it can be liberating (take off when you please).

I have a friend from school who had a health scare and who divorced with two grown up sons. She was sitting at home one day around this time, the sons were with girlfriends for the weekend and she saw a programme about the Isle of Man. She'd never been but liked the look of it. Booked herself a room in a hotel for three nights for that weekend (three days later). Got a flight and took off! Ended up meeting a man there whom she dated for a couple of months. Her attitude is one of 'sod it. I can afford it and no-one's holding me back so I'm going for it'. When her boys were young and she was married she couldn't do that easily. She'd have to check with her DH, organise timings to get the boys back in time for school, make sure DH could get back in time for work. She just rang her boss to make sure she could get the Monday off and off she went.

I think the key is relishing the fact that you can do those things and not be 'selfish'. If that makes sense.

DH crept up on me - I'm glad he did. But I really did enjoy my time on my own.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 28/06/2019 20:45

I came to terms with that at 30. But I wanted a family even without a husband. So by 33 I had adopted two toddler girls. I have a family now. Being a single parent isn't easy but it is rewarding.

Papergirl1968 · 28/06/2019 21:24

I’m similar to GeorgiaGirl - was mid 30s, no man on the horizon, so I changed my job and moved house, both to more family friendly ones, and adopted two dds when I was 40.
They’ve been and still are very challenging, but I don’t regret it.
Adoption isn’t for everyone but no man doesn’t necessarily mean no children. There are other options - sperm donors etc.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/06/2019 21:31

DH crept up on me.... Grin

healingheart2 · 28/06/2019 23:02

OP you are believing your own fears that you won’t! We never ever know what is around the corner good or bad so why think the worst case? Have faith and enjoy it before it even happens is what I try to live by Smile

TheMistressQuickly · 28/06/2019 23:07

You don’t necessarily need a partner to have a child. Have you considered other options? X

HollyLM · 28/06/2019 23:42

Your young! x

CheeseToastie123 · 29/06/2019 00:06

I’m going to end up without a life partner and family. I just know it. How do I come to terms with it?

Why is that bad? Why is it something with which you feel have to come to terms? I'm not being flippant - I truly believe that if you can articulate that, you will believe you can be happy either way - and happiness attracts happiness

toffeeapple123 · 29/06/2019 17:09

Because it’s something I’ve always wanted

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 29/06/2019 17:15

I've had two husbands and they have both been shit. I don't want another but I'll never regret my DC. Friends of mine are having kids by donor now as they know they will never meet father material.
That is always an option.
I always found parenthood much easier and better without a man.

dodgeballchamp · 29/06/2019 17:32

I think you need to analyse and question why you want it though - we don’t live in a vacuum and societal expectations and conditioning have a lot to answer for. As others have said there are many, many ways to be happy, and having a partner and kids is not the only way. A lot of people who do have that I think only have it because they never actually stopped to question if they really wanted it, and thought it’s just what you do. Hence a lot of people feeling trapped and stifled in unhappy marriages and even some regretting having children as has been posted on here before

Femodene · 29/06/2019 17:38

can you engage with people on the thread a bit? What’s the question? There’s a poster who posts a thread like this every few weeks and shoots everyone down.

SnuggyBuggy · 29/06/2019 17:42

If it were me I think I'd try to seek platonic friendships with people in a similar situation and some sort of hobby that didn't rely on other people to enjoy it.

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