Would u be ok with this?

[gingercattwo]

So... been seeing an ex for the past 2 years. We are not in a relationship officially.

Initially this was because of the fear of the reaction of both our families as the split before was very hard on me and basically wouldn't be happy.

After suffering a late miscarriage he left me and got with a much younger woman. I was heartbroken. He was also step dad for a few years to my other kids and they were upset too.

Anyway he went on to have a child with her but they were very on and off and things didn't last. They were together about 2 years. They split when the child was 7 months.

She had threatened to remove access to his child if he basically pisses her off in any way. Whether this be not paying her money or him dating anyone else. Hence she does not know about us.

Overall I'm not too concerned by this as I honestly don't need the hassle and I'm very protective of my own children and the family routine we have built. I don't want a live in partner. I just want a "boyfriend" to give me some attention and affection when my kids are with their dad and I have free time.

So in away I am just as reluctant as him to go public and be official etc although we are quite close and have agreed to be exclusive. I guess I just selfishly want someone who wants me for me.

The issue at the moment however seems to be that they are spending a fair bit of time together.

The first occasion I found out about was a visit to the countryside just the 3 of them. He didn't tell me and I was very hurt and upset with him. I know she wants him back, she has told him as much and she isn't seeing anyone else despite all the time they have been apart now.

After a big argument he explained that they just wanted to give the child a day out etc and he agreed to tell me in future.

So, he then let me know that he had called to her home to visit DC on the off chance and she was just about to go into town shopping so he went with them.

Now he's just told me that they are attending the local summer gala together this weekend. He says he doesn't want anyone to tell me and me get any wrong ideas.

On the one hand, I'm glad he is being upfront and honest. On the other I think maybe he's only told me because it's so close to home and he will most likely be seen by mutual friends.

What is upsetting me is that I just don't see the reasoning behind it. He says it's because he wants to treat the child, I get that completely and why not?! But WHY does she have to join in? It's a local place and will just be for an hour or two?

If she knew about me and all was out in the open then I would be less suspicious. But as things stand it's as though they are out doing family things and she's there's getting her hopes up for more whilst I only get to see him in secret.

It's not as though we even go away together or anything! I would love for us two to go on a trip in the sunshine together and walk holding hands and all that jazz.

Am I being needy?

I totally get them going to parents events together, drs appointments, that kind of thing...but this? It just feels odd.

I would never go with my ex and my DC for anything unless it was the hospital or such like. Any fun things I do with them on my own and likewise him with them when he has them. It's just how it is.

Any thoughts? Please be kind.
Thank you all

Usually, when we choose situations where we are actively hurt, and we feel unable to leave them, we can find the reason in our childhood, and in the family we grew up in.

Does this make sense to you?

@AFistfulofDolores1

Yes it does. My father was a serial cheat and an abuser to my mother.

Also abusive to us. Mentally, emotionally and physically.

I haven't seen him since I was 17 when I left home. I'm now 40. Mum died ten years ago. I often feel "lost" even though I'm a grown up now and no longer a young girl. It's very sad really.

Therapy, @gingercattwo. If you can. It can make a tangible and permanent difference. It asks for commitment. (But it's the kind of commitment that's worth making.)

@AFistfulofDolores1

Thank you, I will certainly look into it

It speaks volumes that you are worrying abou this ex of his and his she is being strung along. You are positively overflowing with empathy. He really, really is not. He is thinking about himself only.

You deserve someone much, much, MUCH kinder.

Don't be a fixer/ put your needs last. This will be what your mum did. Put yourself and your kids first.

You deserve it.

Get rid of him OP, he's doing nothing but hurt you. You really deserve more.

@gingercattwo - "Looking into it" isn't enough. Diving into it is.

So in away I am just as reluctant as him to go public and be official etc although we are quite close and have agreed to be exclusive
He does not love you, but It may help you to know he does not love her either. Why the two of you are putting up with this sad shitsack of a human, who knows. You know you need to get rid of this sorry excuse for a man.

He’s in a relationship with his baby’s Mother and you’re the OW, sorry.

I’m so sorry but he is very much with her. It suits him that your relationship has to be a secret.

He’s having his cake and eating it. Both of you are enabling this.

Please cut him out of your life. It will hurt at first but you will never have peace of mind with him in your life x

She had threatened to remove access to his child if he basically pisses her off in any way. Whether this be not paying her money or him dating anyone else.

Is this is what he has told you or is this something you've seen with your own eyes so to speak?

Would she be able to deny access to his child because she’s in huff? Would he have no rights at all? I’ve never been in this kind of situation, so I’m not sure, it’s all nonsense OP and I think you you know it but for some reason you’re going along with. I dont think you really want to question him further because you know he’s talking utter rubbish.

She is very fiery and I have seen some vile Facebook posts which she has put out before. I've also seen texts she has sent him.

I know she would be very difficult that's a fact.

However I also know he can be very manipulative.
I've known him over 20 years and been with him when we were younger aswell as in the recent past. If you like she was very much the OW, the one he met at work and went off with for a bit...he came crawling back when it didn't work out.

I've been up nearly all night thinking it over and there are many things wrong that I know deep down I am blinding myself to; because I just don't want to be alone.

I need to wake up and smell the coffee so to speak.

I'm not convinced he is with her but I do feel he is keeping her sweet BUT he simply does not have the empathy to see that this is just so so wrong.

If I question him he uses the excuse that we are not in a relationship and therefore he does not have to answer to me about who he spends time with. In fact he can be quite nasty in his words, he has a short temper.

He also doesn't see how wrong it is for her. If he is with her then it's obvious cheating and if he isn't then it's still lying and being manipulative to get his own way.

I tried to bring it back to basics last night in my head. I thought to myself what if this was a man I had just started dating? No history, no real attachments..things going well...but then he tells me he is going on trips out with his ex and DC....would I find it odd?

Well the answer is yes. I wouldn't be comfortable with it. I would think it was dodgy and I would stay well clear.

I have DC and an ex, he's there in an emergency and him and I and his new DP get along and have sat round hospital beds together before....but that is very different to going to the seaside or whatever!

So I guess I have my answer. It IS an odd thing to do. There MUST be more to it.

Even if they are not seeing each other if she ever found out about me I would fear for my children, she literally would be the kind to throw a brick through my window. I just can't take that risk anymore.

She can no longer be accused of being the psycho ex because he is giving her every reason to believe she means far more than that to him.

I'm not a proud person and I will admit on here that I am weak. I just want to be loved. I'm clinging on to someone that I have adored for years, I thought he loved me too.

I need to break away and be strong and let myself meet someone else. All my friends and family and work colleagues would tell you I'm the most caring and sweet woman, I'm attractive and independent and intelligent and can have any man I want...they've all told me this to my face, and yet I don't believe it.

I really need to dig deep and find the strength to go forward.

Sorry for the rant.

Please. This is not about him la king empathy or not seeing how wrong it is for her. This is about him being a selfish who doesn’t CARE how it is for her. Or you.

it's clear that he just wants me for sex
You seem to want a Friends With Benefits type arrangement....but you are too emotionally involved and have too much history for this to happen successfully.

He's cheated on you, left you, messed you about and now you've let him come back to fuck you over some more.
He's never going to value you.
YOU need to value you.

Find someone new to shag and an arrangement that works for you.
Also, get tested. He's more than likely still shagging her too.

I appreciate all the replies.

Giving myself a good talking to and cutting him out of my life. I still love the man I first met but he just doesn't exist anymore...if he ever did at all

So told him today that I'm going to walk away and find someone who wants to be with me properly.

He wished me well.

An argument ensued and he's adamant nothing is going on between them but also that he told me where he was at from the start and that he didn't and still doesn't want a proper relationship. So I suppose we have just been fuck buddies all along.

I'm heartbroken.

Also said that if I do tell her (which I have threatened) that he will be stopped from taking his dc on holiday and it will ruin it for the dc and others planning on going.

I feel like it's emotional blackmail so I daren't say anything to anyone .

So what - you're going to let him have power over you via emotional blackmail?
If you want to tell her - tell her.
He's going to mess you around re dc anyway so don't think if you keep him sweet he won't.

We don't have any children together @SavingSpaces2019 so he won't be messing me about in that sense.

It's over now but I do feel so hurt and in tears and like he has walked away free from any consequences.

I feel I ought to tell her but it would only bring trouble to my door.

Still struggling to get my head around it all

You really have done the right thing Ginger 💐💐💐

He is a disgrace - don't ever cave into the selfish nasty arsehole again.

You'll never be able to trust him. What he did to you all those years ago is unforgiveable enough, yet he treats you like a complete idiot with no respect whatsoever.

It will all be okay in the end but you have to give yourself time x

Get yourself to Dog's Trust op.
You will find unconditional love there and with no strings.
You are stronger than you believe right now op.

Wow, he's got the best of both worlds.

@KeepCoolCalmAndCollected

Thank you

I'm just hurting right to my core and he doesn't care one little bit.

It's a horrible feeling x

It is painful to finally see the person, that we thought we loved, for who they are.

These men have often spent years wearing a mask and bouncing between women to boost their egos. The reality hits hard but the fact you have drawn a line says you are stepping towards a healthier relationship.

Be grateful you have no children together. If you had to be single 2 years and rebuilt your self esteem and boundaries in that time, you would still only be 42. That still allows you to have a relationship that lasts another 40 years.

See this as a wake up, a new beginning where your standards will be higher. In a few years I suspect you will look back and think how did you get stay when his life was so full of drama.

The pain will reduce, it honestly will and you will be wiser.

@lifebegins50

Thank you so much. That has really helped and makes so much sense.

I've just turned 40 and it does feel like dating life is over for me but as you say this could only be the beginning....my DC are older now and in a few years will be doing their exams so I will have much more time and space for someone, he on the other hand will always be the way he is.

He has gone from one woman to the next since he was 18 when we were first ever together way back. He will always do it.

I do have a male friend currently who seems to be making a bee line for me but I honestly don't know how to handle people being nice to me. There's got to be something innately wrong with me to be like this. I need to change.

Thank you for your wise words