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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Tell me to forget it, please

4 replies

Pochemuchka55 · 27/06/2019 21:04

Met someone in 2017 but got attached too quickly/made an ass of myself in front of his friends. He works in the city so not much time for friends let alone relationship, but I know I put him off.

We stopped talking. I was thinking of ending my life. I am lucid, did not idealise this person, did not think he would 'fix' my issues, merely saw great potential. He was the sole person whom I seriously considered a future with, out of those so far encountered. Ran into a mutual friend, confessed. Friend told someone else, betrayed my trust, they 'talked' to him and all I got was an apology text from him saying we shouldn't meet again.

Took me a year to stop talking to this person every night before sleeping. Exactly a year from the day we last saw each other, I bumped into him. Instead of talking in a neutral location, I acquiesced to spending the night at his. To this day I remain untouched by him physically, but it was wrong to go, I know it. I'm still unsure if I made him understand how much he matters to me -- I am quite proud, but I previously said I loved the little I knew of him. He held me and said 'this is what I want', but I told him not to rush, and wasn't sure if 'this' meant a bedfellow or a friend who would look after him/laugh with him, listen to him...

After? Silence. I did not entertain false hopes. Months later, invited him to outing with my friends. He responded with apology re leading me on, saying we should not meet. Even as friends? Why? What was the mortal wound? No reply to those questions.

I'm headstrong and busy, but this haunts me still. We're in our 20s, yes it's not the end of the world, yes I can teach myself to forget it, but should I? I heard some women convince men to 'stay', I am not like that. I wouldn't cajole him into anything. I want someone to tell me it's over. For good. Because I cannot tell myself, seemingly...

OP posts:
Mishappening · 27/06/2019 21:09

Oh dear - he has really got under your skin.

Maybe you need a bit of a life change in order to shake him off - new job maybe? Change of home?

Believe me you will get older much quicker than you expect and you will look back and think - "Why did I waste such a big chunk of my life on this?"

There are very few of us who have not found ourselves in a similar situation in the course of our lives so you are not alone, or stupid or whatever; you are just human. But you do need to sit down, confront it and decide what you are going to do about it. Otherwise you will be kicking yourself for wasting a chunk of your life on this dead end.

TeaForTheWin · 27/06/2019 21:19

Well, I don't know if my story will help here but - I once noticed a man across a dance floor on a night out and thought he was the most beautiful man (as far as I was concerned) I had ever seen. Unfortunately I had a nasty frenemy at the time and mentioned it to her. She proceeded to fling herself at him, because she was that sort of person so I never got to talk with him. That was that, or so I thought.

Anyway, years later I walked into a new job and - HE was my boss. I felt it must be fate. And as the year their progressed I found his personality to be just as great and...enchanting you know. Anyway, then I find out he has a longterm girlfriend. And then he left the job. And about a year ago even though it had been a year since I'd seen him, it still broke my heart to find out he was engaged.

I think I am now of the feeling that there is no such thing as fate. Shit just happens. That doesn't mean that your feelings aren't real or aren't ok. You don't have to justify your feelings to anyone, or excuse them. You have ever right to love someone. But that doesn't mean that you should continue to fixate on something that you know will never come to pass.

For me it was a case of forgiving myself and I think that is what you need to do too - 'I loved someone and that is ok, infact it is pretty damn amazing. But he isn't for me. And that is sad and I am allowed to hurt and to be sad. But i'm also allowed to make a fresh start. I give myself permission to move on'.

Give yourself permission to start afresh.

TeaForTheWin · 27/06/2019 21:20

*year there progressed
correcting my on mistakes xD

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 27/06/2019 21:22

It's never going to be friends, though, is it? Best to put him behind you now. You've had some good times, learned some things - it wasn't time wasted. But further time trying to figure him out probably would be.

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