Met someone in 2017 but got attached too quickly/made an ass of myself in front of his friends. He works in the city so not much time for friends let alone relationship, but I know I put him off.
We stopped talking. I was thinking of ending my life. I am lucid, did not idealise this person, did not think he would 'fix' my issues, merely saw great potential. He was the sole person whom I seriously considered a future with, out of those so far encountered. Ran into a mutual friend, confessed. Friend told someone else, betrayed my trust, they 'talked' to him and all I got was an apology text from him saying we shouldn't meet again.
Took me a year to stop talking to this person every night before sleeping. Exactly a year from the day we last saw each other, I bumped into him. Instead of talking in a neutral location, I acquiesced to spending the night at his. To this day I remain untouched by him physically, but it was wrong to go, I know it. I'm still unsure if I made him understand how much he matters to me -- I am quite proud, but I previously said I loved the little I knew of him. He held me and said 'this is what I want', but I told him not to rush, and wasn't sure if 'this' meant a bedfellow or a friend who would look after him/laugh with him, listen to him...
After? Silence. I did not entertain false hopes. Months later, invited him to outing with my friends. He responded with apology re leading me on, saying we should not meet. Even as friends? Why? What was the mortal wound? No reply to those questions.
I'm headstrong and busy, but this haunts me still. We're in our 20s, yes it's not the end of the world, yes I can teach myself to forget it, but should I? I heard some women convince men to 'stay', I am not like that. I wouldn't cajole him into anything. I want someone to tell me it's over. For good. Because I cannot tell myself, seemingly...