Should my DP resign? Please help b4 I divorce him!

[susie100]

Ooooh please help me before I divorce my husband!!
Feeling very sorry for him as he moved jobs last year for more money (about double)but went from a small firm a very large, aggressive and quite frankly miserable firm.

He has been unhappy for a while but this has become much recently and it is affecting his mood. I think he may be a little depressed actually and all he can talk about it how much he hates his job with everybody.
I have made many suggestions to him to improve the situation such as getting back in contact with his old team, following up with contacts, doing research on smaller firms he work for but he does not do anything about it.
I feel like I am nagging him and he is threatening to just resign with no other role to go to. Although he could easily find a similar role at another firm, he really wants to move into something completely different which will be hard. In order to do this he has to really WANT it and go for it.

I am beginning to lose patience with him because he is not being pro-active about it and it makes me feel really anxious every time he talks about hating his job.

Should he resign with nothing to go to? I have suggested he shouldn't but perhaps he should as he is stuck in a rut with no confidence and can't see a way out of this.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice welcome

Speaking from the DH side, I used to work in a high pressure, very long hours (often past midnight and at weekends) but very well paid job.

It was hard and I hated a lot of aspects of it but as always it was a trade-off. On the one hand, it makes you permanently stressed, tired and miserable. On the other hand, it provides (a) a lot of money (b) security for your family/ ability to provide the best possible things for them and (c) to be honest, an feeling that whilst it might be shit, you're working at the top of your trade (which means quite a lot if you're natually ambitious/ competitive).

This means that moving anywhere is a really tough decision - it's not just a question of not being proactive, it's about making a whole lifestyle choice, not just for you, but for you and your family, which is a pretty tough decision to make:

• going back to a smaller firm means less money, very little chance you'll ever reach the top level in your business and still fundamentally the same job (which doesn't really thrill you) but with more time with your family and a less stressed life;

• changing jobs completely means making life for you and your family a LOT more risky, any future planning tough, probably less money but you'll be much happier in yourself.

If you're in your twenties and just out of university making the decision might be easy. As (I'm guessing) a good father and husband it's really hard. Do you make yourself happy at, say, the expense of being able to send your kids to private school/ give them nice holidays away? And what if you do change job, find you hate it and you're in the worst of both worlds?

Personally, I moved to a smaller firm with a slightly better, although not ideal lifestyle... is it perfect? No, but it's definitely better than it was. Was it an easy decision? No, and it took a while to reach it for all the reasons above.

Afraid this probably doesn't answer your question! But just thought the view from the other side might help you figure things out.

Thank you for taking the time to reply cestlavie and am glad you have found more balance in your life!!

I think the problem with my DH is that he does not enjoy the actual work and does not feel as though he is at the top of his game. I think he feels he has taken a step backwards although for more money. He is so unhappy that he wants to walk out which would leave us in a pickle financially. I do have a well paid job and he is always joking that he can just resign and become a house husband which puts me under a lot of pressure (and makes me really question him as he used to be so ambitious)

I feel like my head is about to explode whenever I think about it!

i think he may just want your support - in that you will stand by him whatever he does. You would get by if he walked out i am sure and maybe if he felt confident you would support him he would get another job very easily.

It sounds as if he is looking to you for that support at the moment and things are really tough for him at work. Could there be something he is not telling you? you know how men are not always good at telling us what they really feel.

It must be hard for you both though and i do hope you find a way through this together.

Hi Susie, I resigned from a job that I absolutely hated in May this year, it was making me so miserable it affected every other aspect of my life.
Luckily my partner was supportive as he could see how unhappy I was.
We have just managed to get by without my salary and luckily I start another job next week.
I don't for a minute regret my decision and neither does my dp, I am a much happier person and I could not have made the step without his support.
There are more important things in life than money.
Maybe he just needs some time out to get his head together before looking for another position. HTH.

maybe think how you would like him to treat you if positions were reversed and take it from there

This is why I love mumsnet. Thank you all of you who replied, you have made me see I probably am being far less supportive than I should, it is a horrible situation and me pressuring him is not going to help at all. It certainly would not help me if I put myself in his shoes. I have so much other stuff going on at the moment with my family, work stress etc I have just not wanted DH to be another stress. Poor lamb.
Thank you for making me see this!

Any way you can help him? Do some research online for him? Ask him how you can help and what things you could do so that you work together to get through this?

I think the key is to work as a team and see this as an issue for you both to resolve.
He has to be the one to take control and make the actual move. But you can be there to support and help him.

FWIW I'm not sure leaving his current role with nothing to go to is a great idea? If is is perhaps slightly depressed, and it takes longer than he thinks to find a new role, it could add to the depression, make him feel even more miserable, and add money worries to his list of things to feel down about... I'd say unless you are confident you can cope with no salary from him for 6-12 months, then stay where he is for now. It's always easier to find a new job when you already have one!

(BTW I am a qualified accountant, there are literally hundreds of roles for people at my level with this qualification - but I have a very clear idea of the next role I'd like and have been looking now for 18 months! So I am talking from experience!)

Good luck

Is he a lawyer (reference to "firm"). If so happy to write you a description of the difficulties of the environment and the reasons why he doesn't have the time/energy/inclination to take positive steps.

But if he's not I'd be wasting your time!

If he's getting depressed about the whole thing he may easily get lethargic, and coming home to your frustrations/constructive advice/suggestions might not help him.

Tell him you understand his misery, you support him no matter what, and love him for who he is and not the job he does or the money he brings home.

Than ask him what he wants to do and what he wants you to do, and go from there.

A warning shot across the bows: my DB hated his job, and his wife constantly raised it in conversations and advised him to switch/move up/complain etc. He left the job and also left the wife because he had to get away from all the pressure and the stress of feeling he was not being able to decide/act for himself...

oooh squiffy that is a good point - I don't want to be another pressure point for him!
Legalalien - he actually trained as an accountant not in the Big4 but within industry. I can imagine the environment at a law firm (and the hours) would make it impossible to focus on new roles He left to go to an investment bank (so quite a similar environment, long hours, some brutal people!) but it is a back office role and he hates being a 2nd class citizen (having gone from quite a prominent role but he was frustrated by the pay)
He would ideally like to go back into a corporate or into front office in trading.
Baffy what is your situation?
Sounds similar in that there are lots of jobs for ACAs but none that he would want!

On the money front I have always been a firm believer than within reason you should do what you enjoy regardless of the pay. If he were happy I would be happy if you see what I mean - money certainly not the most important thing in life but living in London - lack of it can make for a more miserable life iyswim!

If taking 6-12 months meant he would have the mental clarity and space to find what he wanted we can make changes to our lifestyle and grin and bear it. But my worry is exactly what you point out - it takes much longer to find the right role than he realised (i think) and he could end up feeling even more depressed at home.

I think for him it is the lack of status and accoutnability rather than the money that is getting him down which I wholeheartedly sympathise with.

Oooh and Baffy on the help front - that is exactly what I did - prepared lots of info for him, internet searches, used my industry contacts, have even offered to set up informal chats with people etc but he does not follow up on it and I feel bad nagging him more than a few times!

Sounds like you've done lots to help already.

So maybe it's time to do what everyone else says and just be the supportive, loving wife, stop with the advice/help ( and pressure ) and hope that your support then gives him the incentive to make these decisions for himself.

At least if you're together on it, and prepared to work together no matter what, then he may feel a big relief that if his decision goes wrong, it's not the end of the world and he can try something else... (iyswim).

Briefly my situation, big 4 trained ACA, moved to industry for high profile role and good money, but now want a role closer to home (currently 1.5 hour commute!) and want something much more project focussed than standard accounting. Can get standard management accounts roles everywhere but they would bore me to death!
I'm even willing to take a pay cut (even though dh and I have just split up and I can't afford a pay cut ), but I really do think the right role, in the right location, is the key to my happiness. Not the money.
It's just easier said than done to actually find it!

Had friends who've done similar - seems like the move from accountant to IB back office is always very tempting because of the pay differentials. Move always seems very tough because you go from your job being the raison d'etre of the firm to merely a support function who the guys in IB unfortunately tend to treat as just any other support function ("Jump", "How high?"). I can imagine it's a fairly unpleasant time he's going through. As everyone else says, just being supportive would probably be very helpful to him (though I'm sure you're doing a good job just letting him vent).

Couple of thoughts from a practical perspective: the longer you stay in IB, the harder it is to move to corporate - the transition tends to be the other way round. Moving to front office is possible, but seems to depend on building relationships with the traders/ desks rather than an inherent level of ability (though that helps I guess). It also takes time.

Secondly, of course, is the money. If you really feel that you could live with him having the same amount or less money than before then you should absolutely tell him; you need to be sure yourself though that that's what you want cos it'll probably be hard for him to ever go back into it once he's left. If you are absolutely certain, then that in itself might take the pressure off him and allow him to think about his options in a more relaxed way, rather than feeling that he's letting you and the family down by not earning so much.

I work in IB (Front Office) and yes it is a very brutal place. FO people are very very stressed (if they don't close the deal quickly, someone else from another bank will; if it happens more than a couple of times they lose the client; if they lose their clients they lose their jobs.) Makes for a very hectic environment. By nature of their jobs, FO people are generally extremely confident and assertive people and they (normally very unfairly) expect everyone to drop everything to support them (and it always has to be done NOW). Makes for an environment that in the recruitment literature is 'challenging and stimulating' and in the real world can be very stressful and miserable. FO people are kind-of-nice when we're not being utter toe-rags, but it will certainly be a very huge culture shock. I think most people just get used to it after 12 months or so, otherwise it probably isn't for them...

Some banks are MUCH better than others, and within banks some support departments are much less stressful than others. The opportunities to switch into Front Office don't come round too often and are sometimes not what they are cracked up to be - instead of being at someones beck & call and being able to gripe about it to others in the same position you can end up in FO doing all the same crap jobs but without colleagues to bitch and moan with. A move into FO gets harder the older/better paid you are. I think the support departments are probably 'better' in Fund Mgmt & Pension companies; and there is probably more interesting variety of work in hedge funds (though it is probably more demanding in terms of pressure). At the heart of it all the salaries are higher in the city to reflect the extra pound of flesh that people want to extract from you, so stress is part and parcel of the city world...

OMG I could have written this OP. My DH is another field but equaly miserable and epressed but has done nothing to find a new job.

I will watch with interest.

Susie, in the current environment he could also consider doing contract work for 6 months or so. Good money without too much stress and bc the jobs are relativly short-term or project based they give a sense of freedom which can be quite a relief. He might even find himself in a new industry or role that inspires him and appeals as a permanent position.

If he hates the stress of back-office he shouldn't even consider front-office. Apart from anything he would probably have to start in a relativly junior position which can be pretty demoralising for someone used to a certain amount of respect/independence.

I 100% agree with Sweety's suggestion: contracting a very good suggestion.

Susie100 - I'd recommend contracting too. I used to work for a huge company and moved there for the money and career development. It was the most miserable 2 years of my life; my boss was a horror, the culture was vile and I think that had I been assessed, I would have registered as clinically depressed/stressed.

A friend of mine, an accountant, used to work for a big investment bank on a permanent basis but found that the stress was too much. He's since gone to contracting for the big banks and gets so much more money and a better work/life balance.

Good luck to you and your husband.

Hi all and sorry for late reply we have been away for a week. Well things seemed to have improved a little since I last posted in that they have given him a top ranking at his review and have put him on a new project which he is quite excited about and will take him away from the more mundane elements of his role.

Sweety - thank you for the contracting suggestion - it is something a lot of his friends are doing and it seems to be very profitable (I think you set yourself up as a company as well and pay yourself a dividend so you only pay 20% tax? Imagine Mr Brown will do away with this shortly!)Cestalavie - you have hit the nail on the head it is the 'status' rather than the stress that gets to him.Squiffy - I don't think it is the stress he can't handle - he is actually very good with big workloads and gets excellent feedback from front office people, it is more the fact he does not actually his role which is making him stressed iyswim. Thanks all for the advice on here - I will keep you posted. Cece I hope the situation with your hubby improves too!