Meeting someone new

[isntitapip]

I split up from my exh 5 years ago. He's still with OW but there are no hard feeling, I'm totally over it and we all get on (young children involved)
In that time I've dated. A lot. Fell for someone inappropriate and doomed for failure (I mention it because it shows to me that I'm capable of feeling SOMETHING) but since then I've been on countless dates, they've all annoyed me in some way and I never arrange a second (despite a lot of them wanting to see me again).
I've met men when out but again I lose interest very quickly. I'm lonely and I think I want to meet some but nothing's working. My friends are getting exasperated with me.
In the last 5 years I've watched people split up and meet someone else easily but it doesn't work for me.
I'm in my 40s and not unattractive. Anyone got any insight on where I'm going wrong? It's really starting to get me down and I'm thinking there's something wrong with me. I don't want to end up on my own forever but it's starting to look like that's going to happen, and it's because I dismiss perfectly decent men and I don't even know why

It doesn't sound like you're going wrong, the men you've met just havent been right for you, or the timing isnt right. If you're not feeling it, you can't force it. Seems to me like you're just holding out for the right one

Thanks for replying. Some of these man have been decent men though. Worth knowing, but I dismiss them all. It's like there's something inside me that refuses to give them a chance.
However, I had a fling with a complete wrong un who I really fell for. Treated me like shit but I let him get away with it. I'm annoyed at myself for it but I still let it happen because I loved his company (when he was being nice). What is that all
About? I really despair of myself and I'm scared I'll end up on my own forever. Is it just me who feels like that?

Do you dismiss decent men, or do you actually have appropriately high standards and throw the defective ones back?

There are a LOT of women in rubbish relationships for the sake of not being "alone" when often alone would be a fuck sight better.

I don't know tbh. That's what I'm trying to make sense of. Is it them or me? I'd like to say I'm dismissing rubbish ones but I seem so quick to decide. Am I unrealistic in my expectations?

Have you ever thought about getting some counselling? Sometimes there is stuff going on unconsciously, by talking you really let things out you didn't even know you thought about.
I'm not saying it's weird or wrong to be single, of course it's not, but you are saying you want to meet someone. Maybe having some counselling will help you establish if there is something in your subconscious holding you back.

I have felt that way too having coming out of a horrible relationship. I think I got addicted in some way to to pain and anxiety of it and now if I don't get that feeling when I meet someone I dismiss them because even though it was horrible at times. I felt such strong emotions. I felt alive.

I realised I am not ready to be with someone yet and I'm taking some time out

I second counselling/therapy. It could be both insightful and valuable.

There are a LOT of women in rubbish relationships for the sake of not being "alone" when often alone would be a fuck sight better.

Yes, this!

I've been divored for 5 years and, despite having dated, haven't been in a long-term relationship again. Whereas plenty of people I know have broken up with former partners, met someone new and even got married and had kids since.

I used to think it was me.

Then I realised it was, in fact, me.

It's me not being willing to settle. I did when I got married and it was the most horrible mistake I've ever made in my whole life. What followed was a decade of utter misery. I basically missed my entire 20s over it and I'm not down with giving up on my 30s and am hoping for great things in my 40s in a few years.

I've met someone I could have fallen head over heels in love with since leaving XH. In fact, I probably did just that. But he's not someone I could be with without majorly upsetting both our lives in more than just one way. And I'm a fucking adult, so I've never pursued him.

But I've been fortunate enough to have met and even been with a couple of men who I could have imagined getting old with. Circumstances have meant it didn't pan out. But I know what "great" feels like because if it, and I won't accept anything less ever again.

I don't think anyone should.

I'd rather be alone than with someone I had to settle for or who's settled for me.

Yes counciling has crossed my mind I just don't know if I'm just being an idiot.
And I totally get the "addicted to the emotions" thing. In fact I think that's possibly what the issue is. I want those thrills. And I'm
Not feeling it with sensible dates where we're trying to get to know each other.
But also, little things get on my nerves straight away. Like the guy who walked me to the car panting because he was so unfit, or the lovely one who talked too loud, or the one who didn't walk me to the car at 10pm that was parked in a dark car park. Small details and I write them off.
I'm a hopeless case 😟

Takenforslanted you've got the right idea I just don't think that's what I'm doing. I think I'm self sabotaging. I annoy myself (and really annoy my friends with it)

Some people, who would love a relationship, reach your age without ever finding someone to share their life with (or at least someone who feels the same).
Are you or they too fussy - who knows but it isn't about being too fussy. Settling for someone is never the right answer.

Well what made you fall for the inappropriate man? What was so great about him?

They are not little things or small details though and would have got on my nerves too. Better to knock it on the head in those instances and keep looking. Good luck and am sure someone better will be along soon