Shocked by family court & cafcuss

[Vee19811]

Hello I have a heart breaking and scary situation. I'm a single mother of 4 children. I feel the need to describe myself before stereo types kick in. I'm well spoken, educated calm and proactive. I was raised on a council estate but was lucky enough to of got a schollorship to private school. I come from a abuseive childhood. I found myself with s man that was Physically sexually and emotionally abusive, to me and my children. I'm going through family court and they have heaps of evidence through emails doctors police about the abuse but they made mine historic and won't achkowledge my children's. They have not gone to fact finding but as I won't follow there verdict to allow our daughter to go to community contact for fear of what he will do. I'm not proud but I have 4 children from three different relations. I have a very good relationship with my first ex and we co parent well. For us we support each other for the sake of the children. After that I have been in two abusive relationships. I don't know how this happened. I've never broken the law or even a basic rule to be honest so this is totally terrifying, but not as scary as would could happen to my children. I have a 6 month old, 3 year old, 7 year old and a 9 year old. I'm 38 years old and I give up a my career in the film industry that was well paid to support my children emotional needs. This one man really put us through hell. So why are the courts putting us through this. I don't have a solictor he has an amazing one. I feel I have to relive the abuse all over again and I find it very traumatic. Imour home and family life is actuallly beautiful but lately I'm so stressed and I'm scared they are going to tear our family unit apart and put them in harms way

Meant to say it's now going through to a judge. I'm very stressed and tired.

As a mother I feel I read every book on parenting and due to yet another failed relationship where I put my children needs first and I'm just going through the separations which is easier because we lived separately and my children have suffered enough. I have made poor choices but always put their needs first and left the relationships. I'm now committed to it just being us no more relationship for their childhood years as it's just not fair on them.

I am sorry I do not know much about CAFCASS but have been through family court in another country. There was also a background of abuse which was detailed in the court documents. I was advised that some form of contact will almost always be ordered as it is seen to be in the best interests of the child to maintain a relationship with both parents. In the end, what was ordered was minimal and that had barely changed since then.

The first thing is to focus on what is safe and manageable for DC, not in justifying your background. The things that matter here are evidence of abuse by xH, what is the existing pattern of contact or previous care by your ex (what are DC used to?), what safeguards need to be in place for contact to work? If you are talking about the two youngest DC, then they are very small still, so that needs to be taken into consideration.
In other words, I know you just want to keep saying no. But the other side will be pushing for the court to say yes, so you need to think about what safe contact looks like and argue for this. By community contact, do you mean a contact centre? What things would need to be in place for you to feel more comfortable with contact? Supervised? Short times? Incremental increases over time? In a sense there is some merit to agreeing contact without a court order because then you can stop it immediately if there are concerns. Once the court order is in place, DC will have to go.

Do you qualify for Legal Aid?

Secondly, have you spoken with Women’s Aid at all? They can provide counselling at least, and practical support (but not legal advice). The organisation Rights of Women can give you legal advice.

I was happy for contact to take place in a contact centre I have said this from the start. But this was only for 3 months and they wanted to go to community contact which means he has her alone anywhere. This for me is just not an option. I caught him masturbating with our daughter and he showed poem to my son age 6 roughly at the time. His hit me and my children. His a teaching assistant and comes across very well

She has lived with me only from age 15 months old now 3. As they won't acknowledge the abuse I don't think I qualify legal aid. There was an investigation with the police but they told me in the end due to the children's age they would unlikely be successful in prosecuting. They said the family courts would however take seriously the evidence I have if him admitting in emails to the abuse. But they have not and I'm so shocked. His family work in the legal systems and his from a large Indian family that have a culture of sticking together which is beautiful but for me I have been followed, threatened and I don't even go to the park anymore for fear of this.

Meant porn not poem !!!

Then I think you do not have an option but to go court. You have agreed to contact as far as you are prepared to go, which I had already also done.

I said I thought it in the best interests of DC to maintain contact with dad in a safe manner and I could not agree to more than was in place. The judge did not order more.

The experience is horribly stressful, but I took the view that once I had done it, then ex could not use court as a threat, if that makes sense. So he threatens court, you say okay, let’s air all this dirty behaviour of yours in that forum.

Stop justifying and defending yourself - you have done nothing wrong, he has. Do not let him and his solicitor turn this into you defending yourself. Keep the focus entirely on what he has done and what your concerns are, what are the best interests of DC and how DC can be safe guarded.

Oh and I agree there is a huge disconnect between the police and social work and family law. I had a similar situation where police did not prosecute and said the family courts would take it into account - they did to an extent but the emphasis is still on maintaining contact. It totally puts you in the front line of making the arguments why contact cannot happen.

Also if you post specific questions on the Legal Matters board, you will get people with experience of family law in England who give excellent advice.

Thank you so much. This is very helpful. I have been in and out of court since 3 weeks after giving birth and I'm totally emotionally exhausted. The thing he is using against me is during our relationship he convinced me to take my life. That I was the problem. I attempted it and after that I went to my doctor and said that I was depressed due to what was going on at home. I went on antidepressants for the first time and months after I moved out and came off of them within 3 months. I'm quite a resilient person but being in that situation was very dissorentsting for me.

The point there is that your mental health issues were a result of the relationship, which you have left and sought treatment for. That is the point you make and do not engage with him further on. Can you get a letter from your doctor saying there are no welfare concerns now? I presume you have done this already.

My ex used my mental health in our marriage as a reason to discredit what I was saying about his behaviour. But there is a lot known know about the impact of coercive control.

The court will only consider actual evidence so it's essential any safeguarding matters are documented clearly. The court can only demand in centre contact if they believe there's a risk of abduction or serious harm, more commonly in these situations they award daytime community contact (can go to softplay/McDonald's/whatever but not their own home or overnight).

I believe you completely but without evidence the court is in a he said she said situation - and bitterness has caused many a parent to exaggerate over the years. Domestic violence doesn't automatically make them a threat to the child. As for your circumstances - they should not judge you but if you return to work it can give a better impression I have found (we co coordinate a contact centre so I've met many people in similar situations), especially with judges, even though this is not right

I'm actually returning to study medicine. I'm not rich but I have managed to afford a 4 bedroom house in a great school catchment area. I also run a wellbeing community working with local gps and therapist and other speclist on social media. I'm very proactive. I wake 4am Monday to Friday to work before the kids wake at 7am. My health care have a very postive view of me in how I'm coping. The courts have to request this information they are not allowed to just write a letter without this but the courts have not requested it.

His solictor told me community contact can take place in his home us she twisting the so I object? Im quite naive to people being dishonest.

I have to write my next statement today for court next week so this is all very helpful thank you so much

The courts will never request information to support either side's case: it's up to each of the parties to put it before the courts. If your health carers are waiting for a nice letter from the court, it just isn't going to happen. I'd suggest you contact someone higher up in the relevant organisation to sort this out, because whoever you are dealing with doesn't understand the system. They can just provide a letter to you that is addressed to the court or "To whom it may concern" which gives the court the relevant information.

@Vee19811 I'm curious to hear how you and the kids are x

I'm so sorry. I was also recently let down by cafcass