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Original poster

Ex partner is a drug dealer should I let him take DD alone?

25 replies

sunnyside7 · 26/06/2019 22:46

I broke up with my ex when I was 9 weeks pregnant. He told me he had sold drugs previously and ended up doing 5 years in prison I have found out he has now started selling drugs again (yes I know what I great father I have chosen for my DD Sad) He was emotionally abusive towards me and had zero respect for me, had a porn addiction was completely unsupportive during my pregnancy and this was the reason I ended it. All of his friends sell drugs (big time drug dealers not street drug dealers) he comes from a terrible family, was abused by his uncle (his mum didn’t believe him and had the uncle staying with her last year) and his mum is a vile person who shows no love or gentleness to any of her grandchildren. I will just never feel comfortable my DD being alone with him or around his mother.

My DD is 6 months old and I will do everything in my power to love and protect her and make sure she has a good life away from any dysfunction. He was there at the birth and stayed with me for a while to help when she was newborn but other than that has only seen her at my house or come out with us for the day so far but I have way too many concerns to let him ever take her alone but he is asking to take her out for the day, to his mums and to stay with him etc! He seems to adore her but am I unreasonable for never letting him take her alone? I already know the answer to this really but I just feel heartbroken for DD as I would love for her to have a great role model as a father and upset with myself that I fell pregnant with this man.

He is on the birth certificate but I really doubt he would ever fight for custody given his circumstances?

OP posts:
Original poster
sunnyside7 · 26/06/2019 23:04

Anyone???

OP posts:
whatkatydidalready · 26/06/2019 23:06

Do you get on well with his mum, and do you trust her?

HennyPennyHorror · 26/06/2019 23:08

At 6 months it's a no. He has to prove himself. When she gets towards one, I would speak to his Mum if she's a decent human and get her on side.

In fact, get her on side now. Invite her round to spend some time with the baby at your house.

Orlandointhewilderness · 26/06/2019 23:10

that would be a big, huge, massive NOPE from me. You aren't stopping him seeing her, but unsupervised?!? Not sensible.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 26/06/2019 23:10

Do you get on well with his mum, and do you trust her?

he comes from a terrible family, was abused by his uncle (his mum didn’t believe him and had the uncle staying with her last year) and his mum is a vile person who shows no love or gentleness to any of her grandchildren.

I suspect not!

Op - you are right. Much as it would be wonderful for your dd to have a lovely daddy who adores her and takes care of her wonderfully - she doesn’t! You need to keep your daughter safe and so don’t let him have her alone.

Also - start noting down anything he tells you about his life - especially if you have any evidence - just in case he ever decides to take it to court.

Manclife1 · 26/06/2019 23:10

Not a chance! Firstly he sounds like a dick, secondly the risk of gang on gang and other associated violence would be too risky. Just not worth it.

Original poster
sunnyside7 · 26/06/2019 23:10

No not in the slightest! She is very rude to me (she is foreign) and his brothers DP stopped letting her kids go to her house and his sister isn’t allowing her kids to see her or speak to her as you had the abuser back in her house. I just want to run away from them all what a terrible mess!

OP posts:
Original poster
sunnyside7 · 26/06/2019 23:17

I don’t even want him around DD but I’m doing it for her sake at the moment but I know it isn’t in her best interest in the long run. He could have drugs laying around at home, owe people money etc and I would never put her in any position of danger. I’m praying daily he ends up back in prison which is really only a matter of time. I have amazing family and friends around me so he doesn’t really have much use in our lives I just worry that my DD will one day have resentment towards me because I didn’t let her see her father.

OP posts:
Tolleshunt · 26/06/2019 23:17

Not a chance would I allow this. But you will need to show good reason if he pursues it. Any chance he could end up getting caught again?

I can’t imagine SS would be happy with this, but others will be better qualified to advise on whether it would be a good idea to talk to them, or if it would just bring you more hassle without any useful results.

Original poster
sunnyside7 · 26/06/2019 23:21

I have thought about this many many many times @Tolleshunt but I would worry about the repercussions of this!

OP posts:
Tolleshunt · 26/06/2019 23:26

Yes, I get your concern. It could be really helpful, or they could crawl up your arse with a microscope and cause you a lot of extra stress you don’t need, without actually delivering anything helpful. I don’t know which way it would be likely to go, but hopefully you might get somebody come on the thread with relevant similar experience. Or even a SW.

Bluerussian · 27/06/2019 00:18

I'd give it a bit longer before I let him take her, she's only six months old, and then only if he takes her to his mum's house - with mum there.
Tell him that so that he knows you're not saying, "No", forever. In the meantime keep to the original arrangement of him seeing his daughter at your house or out in your company.

He's not going to be dealing or doing drugs with your daughter around.

Meangirls36 · 27/06/2019 00:27

How big a drug dealer are we talking? Might not be dangerous but he could still get raided which would be horrid. The people who buy the stuff aren't usually great and what happens if she accidentally get her hands on it. Also be careful of any money he gives you. I'd honestly just supervise nice long visits

campion · 27/06/2019 00:33

He's not going to be dealing or doing drugs with your daughter around.

I wouldn't bank on that.
OP has painted a rather disturbing picture of this man and is,rightly,concerned. In her shoes,would you hand over your baby to him and his 'vile' mum?

1forAll74 · 27/06/2019 02:25

Iwouldn't let my child anywhere near this drug dealer,especially as you said it was quite big time dealing. Drug dealing can sometimes mean violence in the background, and would assume that this guy takes certain drugs himself,which means he is probably not with it at certain times. and so not trustworthy.

MsDogLady · 27/06/2019 02:57

Your ex is an emotionally abusive, drug dealing criminal who was unsupportive during your pregnancy. He associates with other criminals. His mother is a rude, unloving woman who allows a child abuser to live with her. Your ex’s siblings do not allow their children to be in her presence.

I would NEVER jeopardize my child’s safety and well-being by allowing her to be alone with either of these people.

Shoxfordian · 27/06/2019 06:06

Why would you even consider letting him look after your daughter? Its not in her best interests at all.

huuskymam · 27/06/2019 06:40

I wouldn't let him anywhere near the child. If he pushes it in court, could you request supervised visits.

Justathinslice · 27/06/2019 06:43

I'm foreign, and I'm nice.

So, he could get arrested at any time?
He is illegally dealing drugs?

Why are you even considering letting him take her?

VixenSixen · 27/06/2019 07:09

Given his situation, everything needs to be on your terms and you dictate when and where he can see his daughter.

Your first priority is your child, if at any point you feel like he is encouraging you to do something you feel uncomfortable with I would let him know if he can't keep the arrangement how you want it you're going to have to go down a more formal route and have an arrangement in place where he sees her in a contact centre...... Personally I would not let my child out of my sight until I was sure that he'd given up his life of crime and drug dealing (I suspect he won't!)

My ex really screwed up, (I can't go into it here), which resulted in a period of a year where he was only allowed to have supervised contact with our son, and this only happened because I had a good relationship with his mother.

I would urge you to get some professional advice on this, discuss it with your family and LISTEN to what they are saying. 6 months post partum leaves you in an exceptionally vulnerable position and I suspect he is manipulating you too.

The bottom line is that you don't have to do anything you don't feel comfortable with, don't be afraid to seek proper help and advice. If he wants a relationship with his daughter, he needs to do it all on your terms.

Good luck xx

Neverwrestlewithapig · 27/06/2019 12:22

The fact alive that his mum is still associating with a known child abuser means I would never allow her to have unsupervised contact. Clearly, you cannot trust her to assess risks adequately & you must not assume your daughter is safe just because she’s a girl Sad
Really, you need to seek professional advice. Your daughter is lucky to have you. Good luck Flowers

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/06/2019 12:45

No. Nope. Never.

He sounds like a vile human being and his family sound awful too.

Original poster
sunnyside7 · 27/06/2019 15:08

Thank you all so much for the replies. I will just never feel comfortable with him taking DD alone I wouldn’t even be able to rest. Everyone around me has said the same but as I grew up without my father in my life and the fact this has affected me in some negative ways I didn’t want the same for my child but at the same time I still have to protect her.

@justathinslice Sorry I wasn’t meaning any offence by this I did realise this sounded bad once posted it but was just trying to paint the picture as in her culture the women seem very hard and rude by nature.

Thank you all again I will continue as things are with contact on my terms and my terms only (even though he does try to guilt tip me saying I don’t want her to have father) it’s my job to protect her and that is exactly what I will do. :)

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 27/06/2019 15:27

Absolutely not!

Hopefully he loses interest and fecks off for good. That would be the best thing to happen for your DD.

He's a vile criminal. He has nothing to offer your DD other than dysfunction.

I would just stop talking to him. Block him.

Al203 · 27/06/2019 15:39

God, I would move to Canada.

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