Introducing the Other Woman

[R2MA]

Hi all, I'm after some advice re my Ex and him introducing the woman he had an affair and left me/his children for 7 months ago. Considering he left me he's the one who is angry and abusive and as a result the transition for the kids hasn't been plain sailing. Rather than take his time he has demanded and thrown his weight around meaning we are now in court re access (he has regular access but the kids don't want what he does and are very unhappy - he wants 50/50).
I believe he is now gearing up to introducing this woman. I accept I have no control over this, only how I respond to it but I'm getting mixed advice on how honest I should be with the kids. My approach is that I will answer questions honestly and in an age appropriate way but will not comment on his personal life unless it impacts the kids. The question I am dreading is 'is she why daddy left?'
He has little respect for me, I've only had the relationship confirmed in court papers, he's never told me so I don't anticipate I will know until after the fact. Any advice from those with experience, both kids are in junior school and very close to me and each other.

I don’t know how old your children are, so it’s hard to comment....

A younger child won’t put leaving 7months ago and the new person in dad’s life.
Even a teenager might not ask it this way.

As to what you tell your children. Presumably you two have told them something when he was leaving. I’d stick to a version of it. Reiterated.
I don’t think kids need to be told the whole adult truth.

I would be honest if possible, as the truth will likely come out eventually and you don’t want them to feel they’ve been lied to. But while trying to maintain a positive view of their father, or natural. So you could say daddy and I weren’t happy together so we broke up as he thought he would be happier with someone else, sometimes adults intend to be together forever but it doesn’t always happen and that’s just part of life. And if they ask if she’s why he left (which I very much doubt they will) you could say ‘daddy wanted to be with her as she made him feel happy, but we wouldn’t have stayed together even if he hadn’t have met her as we weren’t happy together’

Which is true. If he was happy with you together, he wouldn’t have had an affair.

I know it will likely stick in your throat. But you owe it to the kids to try ensure they don’t end up hating a man who made them along with you.

I’m not sure why you have to explain anything about her.

Personally I don’t think children need to know about infidelity in marriage. Being the child of an unfaithful parent makes them more likely to repeat the behaviour.

You sound like a considerate women who is trying to do the best for her children in difficult circumstances. I think your approach is fine as I believe age appropriate honesty is the best way to deal with this.

Unfortunately my child (primary age) knows who the other woman was as she was a family friend and she was accidentally exposed to some of their messages. We do talk about her sometimes and I’ve said I don’t think she’s a very nice person to have done what she did but luckily we don’t have anymore contact. We have also talked about why marriages can fail and that the best thing to do is leave before involving other people.

Personally I’d be very wary of talking about the other woman making daddy happy as it implies you didn’t make him happy. If he’s being a dick and abusive I wouldn’t want to back up his story in case he’s feeding the children some story about how awful you are. (Absolutely not saying you’re awful but abusers tend to think they’re the abused ones)

I never told my eldest that his dad had affairs. They've no bearing or relevance to his relationship with his father.

Divorce is hard enough for the children. So - think about them and how they will adjust to their new world in the best possible way.
Your relationship has ended and you will be angry at him/her for a long time.
But the kids need not be dragged into it. They need a relationship with both parents.
And if their father has a new partner - their time with him/her will be better if you don’t add a reason for them to not accept her. They will already have hard time

The question I am dreading is 'is she why daddy left?'

"You should ask daddy that".

Ex left for ow. We both decided that as he was adamant their relationship was forever etc that they would know that daddy wanted to be with X and you can't be with more than one person. And then a fairly quick subject change as though it wasn't an issue. I disagree with the pp about how it would have happened anyway as you must have been unhappy, but that's a different thread.
As for them meeting her and the questions, just be as breezy and matter of fact as you can and absolute bounce the questions to him. 'did daddy leave because of her'.. 'you need to talk to daddy about why he left'. It's really really hard and actually, whilst yes the kids are uppermost you are a person too and can be forgiven for not being the ow's biggest fan. You can be neutral and non committal and change the subject when they talk about her to preserve your own headspace. Don't slag her off but you don't have to pretend like you care or are interested either.

It is a difficult position to be in. My ex went straight to ow. And she was at contact from day one as 'daddies friend'. As my eldest would say. Mum. I'm not stupid. 🙄

I'm sure you have already had all the questions and handled them accordingly. Sometimes grown up just can't live together anymore.

This is what I have told my children with the added 'a' is daddies girlfriend now and hopefully is much happier.

It is ok to just gloss over some things. I did at the beginning. With vague that's nice kind of answers.

I am sure you have handled it just fine. And in time you won't feel as hurt as you do now.