Hello,
I ‘m hoping someone will be able to help me discover what options are available to my 81 year old mum and 79 year old father who live together in a bungalow that my mum inherited from my Nan. My dad has multiple health issues including advanced Type 2 diabetes, COPD, balance problems, arthritic knees that all inhibit his mobility. He can just about shuffle around the house with the use of a stick, but is now house bound as he feels vulnerable outdoors. Consequently my mum does all the shopping, cooking, washing, cleaning as well as seeing to the bills and the maintenance on the house.
What worries me is the way my dad treats my mum. He is obviously frustrated with his incapacity but takes this out on my mum with the most foul language. He often calls her a c**t which really upsets her. She has a very passive character which he takes advantage of. I myself am nearly 50 and have always had a very complex relationship with my dad who is so kind and loving ( overly so) for 3 or 4 months then one of us ( my mum, myself or my sister) will fall out of favour and he’ll explode then dish out the silent treatment. We’re always treading on eggshells. We’re all afraid of him. (I’ve had counselling for this so I no longer let his episodes hurt me as much)
However my mum has never been able to stand up to him and so suffers his treatment of her. She had to have a mastectomy last year and despite this he still takes her for granted and is making her life very unhappy.
She can’t see a way out. He refuses to go to the doctors (stubborn) and won’t agree to having his condition/ environment assessed (proud) to see if they might qualify for alterations to the house or home care. He refuses to wear his hearing aid and so the TV and radio blast through the house at full volume. My mum has never drawn boundaries with him and is not about to now because she is so afraid of him. She tries to get out of the house everyday to have some time for herself. He has no friends (he cut them all out of his life a long time ago) and my mum has struggled to make friends as she doesn’t want to bring them back home with him around.
My dad is fed up with his life and as it appears would rather it all be over. My mum resents this as she wants to enjoy herself and feels he is holding her back. My dad has said he would rather be ‘housed’ elsewhere. Admittedly, this would be better for both of them but surely this would cost a fortune? While my mum owns the bungalow, they just manage to get by on their state pensions. They are certainly not well off. I am keen to help my mum find a solution before it gets to crisis point.
If anyone has been down this route before, I would be very grateful for some advice on a way forward.
Many thanks!