DP being 'productive' only when I'm not around

[581c]

What is the possible psychology behind the fact that my DP (no children involved, we are also rather young) can spend his time productively alone while I'm out of town, but not when I'm at home?

To be more specific, I have had issues with him not giving me enough space, wanting to spend a lot of time together, finally accepting that I have my own things to do and friends to meet and things to do at home so I cannot sit beside him or hang around with him all the time. However, he still just lays on the couch when we are both at home. He does household chores, ok, but other than the bare minimum he just lays on the couch and watches TV or Youtube. Whenever I suggest to do some projects at home together, he says yes but shows no further enthusiasm. Whenever I suggest for him to take on a hobby or do something alone, so I can have some privacy at home, he finds all kinds of excuses or says yes and then does not follow through or is sulking. He has no friends to spend time with (or rather makes no effort with the few he actually has had as friends); he won't visit his family alone (although they always invite him).

However, I have noticed that recently whenever I am out of town (I have had a couple of few-days-long work trips lately), he is very productive - does the home-project, goes out to jog or walk alone, does some things in computer that he has talked about for weeks or whatever. Just - finds ways to spend his time productively without just laying there and waiting for me to finish my stuff so I can be there next to him and be some kind of amusement tool (it feels to me like this, I do not know what he really thinks).

Is it something worth discussing with him? Could it improve if I point it out to him that he seems productive when I'm not there, but not when I am home. We have talked about these things one way or another previously, but mostly nothing has changed. I thought that he is basically incapable or uninterested of finding things he might be interested on doing alone, so I have tried to push away the break up thoughts that regularly lurk around in my head. However right now I just had the light-bulb moment that he actually IS capable and IS interested in doing stuff alone. But why not to do these things when I am at home to give me some privacy (alone time) at home when he very well knows that it is important to me?

Feel very sorry for you. My dad does the same and it drives my mum mad. In their case, it's both of their fault as she spent so many years telling him what they were going to do or where they were going to go. Now he seems to be unable to do that for himself.

Maybe explain to him that he will not be missing anything if he goes for a jog while you are there. Or say "I'm going to relax in the bath, you go for your jog, and then we'll watch that TV show we like"

He probably thinks that the mental load and or housework is primarily your job rather than his. This is who he is and such fundamentally selfish men do not change.

Why are you and he together?. Better to be on your own than to be so badly accompanied.

Thanks for sharing. He is very keen telling where to go, he is very keen spending time outside and going on day trips and he is very keen planning those. This is the only thing he is keen. BUT he is willing to do it only in case I go along with him. He won't go alone, he won't go with his family or put in effort to invite his friends. And he shows no enthusiasm in anything else besides talking to me all the time, watching TV and Youtube. He also likes to cook, but he does it once-twice per week, usually during weekend for our dinner. He says he is very passionate about it, but rarely tries something new or interesting to cook, sticks to old and easy recipes. During the work week, he buys his dinner from a store and I usually do not eat dinner.

Whenever I have suggested him going out alone for a jog or whatever, he finds excuses (cold, bad weather, tired, doesn't feel like it...). And I'm discouraged to suggest anything to him, because during our general conversations he often has mentioned how he does not like this or that or how difficult this or that is or whatever, indicating that it would be really difficult or unpleasant for him to go anywhere alone.

I like to be with him because it is interesting to talk to him, he is very knowledgeable, does his share of chores to a pretty acceptable extent on his own and when asked, I like these day trips and longer trips with him, he is affectionate and shows emotions. But in some part yes, he is doing my head in and I actually get so tired of him always being there next to me that I find it difficult to enjoy his good sides. I'm getting tired telling him again certain things and waiting for him to give me some space. This is why the breakup thoughts are lurking inside my head.

But I figured perhaps it is reasonable to try to speak to him again, pointing out the controversy in his actions when with me vs when he is alone that I discovered...

You post about this guy a lot don’t you? Why don’t you call it a day once and for all?

I agree with you, OP. He'd be better off without you.

I love being at home. I'd be devastated in your partners position. I'd feel like I wasnt wanted or welcome in my own home.

Now you have noticed this it will REALLY start to annoy you....

You've posted about him at least three times before, OP. He’s a passive, lazy man who defaults to horizontal YouTube watching and has the energy and enterprise of an amoeba. He’s not going to change. Why not end it and find someone who actually has a personality and does things independently from you because he wants to do them? Or at least stop living together?