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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do I do about contact?!

12 replies

Queenofthestress · 26/06/2019 12:52

Not sure if this is the right place, but I need some form of advice.
I have a 2 year old DD with ex-dp. He sees her every wednesday 11:30 to 4:30 and every saturday for the same times. Overnights are in no way an option.

She absolutely bawls for up to an hour at contact. Screams blue murder, tears going, the full works. She doesn't want to go, either beforehand or at actual drop off. You'd think the world is ending

Does anyone have any tips on making contact easier on her?

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 26/06/2019 13:14

Can she tell you why she doesn't like it?
Can you be there for a little while to let her get used to him before you leave?
It must be heart breaking but I'm not sure what more you can do.

Original poster
Queenofthestress · 26/06/2019 13:22

She just says that she doesn't want to go, wants to stay with me and I already spend some time going round the shops and seeing them off on the bus

I've tried staying with them for a little bit and a quick goodbye like I do at school, taking a comfort toy with her, I even resorted to bribery which didnt work either, I'm at a total loss

OP posts:
SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 26/06/2019 18:10

Why are overnights not an option? Sounds like they need to spend more time together

category12 · 26/06/2019 19:24

Could he see her more often but for shorter periods?

category12 · 26/06/2019 19:28

Like do pick-ups or something regular to be more part of her everyday routine?

Original poster
Queenofthestress · 26/06/2019 21:38

@SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad he's highly aspergers living in a single bedroom independent flat with parental support, who barely remembers to feed himself let alone a small child, nevermind any of the practical care like bathing, changing, or sleep rountine and is practically nocturnal barring the contact days - even then he's usually late by an hour because my phone call reminding him he's having her at 11 is what wakes him. When I say overnights isn't an option at the minute, it really isnt an option.

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenofthestress · 26/06/2019 21:46

His routine for contact is - picks her up, wanders around town gathering whatever bits he wants, takes her on the bus to his mums, she has dinner there, plays with his brother (1 day age difference) then gets the bus back to town and brings her home. The routine is exactly the same, it doesn't change, hasn't in the past 8 months he's been picking her up on his own without his parents

OP posts:
KTara · 26/06/2019 21:53

What about him varying the routine? I realise this is a big ask for someone with ASD, but it would help.

A park instead of the shops? Soft play? I think - and this will not be a popular response - you need to question whether he can meet her needs, if he is so rigid and not able to vary things to cope with her distress.

Original poster
Queenofthestress · 27/06/2019 08:26

I think, what the plan is going to be after the shitshow that was yesterdays contact, is to speak to him & his mum and see what can be done. Theres a soft play centre inbetween our houses but I'm unsure if it's on his bus route (we live opposite sides of town) so I'll have to find that out

I'm keen for them to have a relationship, so it's a matter of finding a work around like we have done with the whole taking her to his mums after picking her up instead of cancelling contact all together

OP posts:
KTara · 27/06/2019 09:24

Yes, I think you will have to do the legwork or thinking how to alter his routine to better meet your DD’s needs. In other words, accept the fact there needs to be a clear routine (which is actually good for DD because consistent) but it needs tweaking to work better for her. Even just an hour of something fun at the beginning will help. Once her dad gets the idea that there are ways of changing the routine, he might build up a few different routines over time to make things more varied for her. It will be a balance of what he can cope with and what she needs. Do you know what kind of toys she has at his?

DD is still very young so you need to advocate for her. Once she is older, and can express her own needs, then it will be up to her and her dad to work it out. But right now, you are the middle person. It sounds like you are doing a good job but it is difficult. Once she gets to school, the Wednesday contact will have to change anyway.

Original poster
Queenofthestress · 03/07/2019 07:35

I have no idea what shes got at his, I'll ask today
So far though, I got a call at half 8 and half 10 last night about a lawnmower, then 4 calls at 1am that I missed

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenofthestress · 03/07/2019 11:21

Pretty sure he's drinking again, for fucks sake.

OP posts:
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