No contact with Narc dad

[Bugsareinthebrook]

I have had no contact with my Dad since christmas.
I sent him a birthday card in Feb but on Fathers day I was brave and sent no card.
Last thurs he sent me a text saying that we needed to do something with my Mums ashes and had decided that it was a family decision ( myself and my 2 half sisters) that we all needed to decide on.
My Mum died Jan 2018 and I have been trying to get him to decide what to do with the ashes since then- any suggestion I or my sisters make is ignored. Funny how he suddenly decides he needs our (my) imput as soon as I ignore Fathers day.
My Mum had a 4 year battle with dementia and throughout her illness the only person he could talk about was him and how awful it was for him . He would rant and rave about her and say terrible thing to me down the phone. None of which i was supposed to challenge- I just had to shut and listen because he had no one to talk to.
She called me a couple of times and said that Dad was hitting her- he denied this and said it was rubbish- it was the dementia talking.
I found out after she died that she also called my sister and said the same.
A few years before Mum was ill there was a big family arguement and my parents fell out with my middle sister. Being the good narc daughter that I am took my parents side while they told me lies and he kept me angry. This resulted in me not talking to my sister (who out of the two is my closest) for over ten years- this has meant that she has missed out on all of my sons life.
It took Mums death for us to start to talk again and slowly we have uncovered all of his lies- he told me that she never helped him and was never seen at their house- I have found out she spent hours at hospitals and every friday at their house. For context I also live 100 miles away so it is easy for me not to know what was going on.
I hit rock bottom last November - I have had some considerable ill health and combined with bullying at work and grief I felt like I wanted to self harm because the guilt was horrific.
I had counselling and slowly I am sorting out the narcissistic brainwashing that has happened my whole life.
After the text about the ashes my DH decided that neither myself or my sister should respond and he would text him.
This unleashed venom from my Dad- he also said that I was causing him to feel suicidal. He said my sister was lying and no one knew how hard things had been for him.
Not once did he ask about me or my son- he has spoken to neither of us since Dec.
I now dont want to have anything to do with him - he has shown me what he is . I have written so many texts to him in my head but not brave enough to send any.

There are too many narc quotes from him but a brilliant example is when my son was born I was in labour for over 30 hours. My husband rang them to tell them I was going into hospital but ity was complicated birth and woudl not leave my side. When he rang my Dad to tell him my son was born he said ' You should have rang me earlier we were worried sick' and proceeded to have a go at him.
they then came to see him - but only after I had to invite them- walked in and said that they hadnt come to see the baby but wanted to tell me how upset they were.

Not sure if I am asking for advice about staying no contact but just need to get it off my chest.

When your dad looked after your mum with dementia for four years - he must have been exhausted. Caring for someone is a full time job and dementia makes it even harder and yes people do lie and say they’ve been hit etc - so that could be true. Don’t dismiss it straight away .

It sounds like he rang you to vent how hard it was and didn’t get much support.

I’m not excusing any behaviour but I think it’s importamt to maybe understand how hard caring is .

If you aren’t worried about what happens to the ashes then ignore.

If you respond you will be opening up the communication again and it sounds ike you don’t want to do that.

You are coming out of the fog and that stage is painful.. the realisation that you have been played for so many years. The triangulation is a common tactic used by narcisstic parents. They use the divide and conquer approach.

Please dont blame yourself and ignore others who suggest you should be more understanding. This is why narcisstic people get away with their behaviour for so long. Most "normal" people care and sometimes behave badly under stress but narcisstic people are the reverse, they may put on a show in front of others but generally their behaviour to their "loved" ones is terrible. It is hard for people who haven't experienced your life to relate to.
Extensive lying is just natural to them and they have to be the victim. It will always be about them.

Good for you if you have managed to break the cycle. Do you know much about your Dads upbringing? Did he have toxic parents?

I don't think he sounds like a 'narc'. A narc wouldn't be worried sick about anyone.

He sounds thoroughly fed up and probably depressed. I've worked with people with dementia and false cries of abuse are common.

I can't imagine seeing the love of my life change in front of my eyes. Imagine it's your husband in 50 years, op. How would you feel?

Thanks for your replies- firstly my Dad is not normal. Whilst I understand his distress about my mums dementia he also made the situation about himself. He refused any help and given that I used to work in retirement housing, refused to believe that I knew anything or what would be best to try to help. At one point I was ringing every day and she had carers 3 times a day including living in an extra care flat. Im sure you would love to sit and listen to your father tell you how disgusting your mother is and how she was to blame for everything.
What he wanted was to have all the power and control the situation and have all the family at his beck and call whenever he wanted it. We never did anything right- typical narc.
He is depressed and was even before my Mum was ill. But again refused to do anything about it - what did anyone else know.
At her funeral he sat and told my uncle who has Alzheimer's how awful his life had been with Mum and how no one knew how bad she had been. Appropriate behavior!
In regards to the false claims of abuse - I know this and this is why it was never acted on- I did tell SS my concerns. However knowing my Dad I wouldn't have been surprised. he has a very quick temper.

We have responded to the request for the ashes - that is what started the argument. However I now dont know what to do about the arrangements we made- I dont want to go. I personally have said goodbye but my sister wants to spread them - she does not deserve to be sat in a wardrobe - which is where her ashes are at the moment!- and I wont let my sister do it on her own.
I have had counselling and read Toxic parents - he is pretty classic.
And I know recognise the FOG- it was like a light bulb moment. However it is sometimes very difficult to control feeling that I have been conditioned with for 40 years.

And is reply to windmillwhirl
'being worried sick about me' is his way of pressing my buttons - a good narc knows what to say to make you obedient- how dare my husband and I put our family before him. And thinking back (this is 11 years ago) it was probably my Mum who said she was worried not him and how dare we do that to her.
He has resented that I put my son before them (him) and has no real relationship with him. Once he has patted him on the head and claimed the 'look at my beautiful grandson' he ignores him and does not talk to him. He even had to leave the room once because my son knew some facts about sharks and my dad refused to believe that my son was correct and not him!

My narc behaves better when there is an audience. Can you and you dh go to the spreading of the ashes but leave your dc behind?

Then leave as soon as you can and block everything after?

I dont know if I would take my DS anyway- not sure.
Yes I think that is how we would go about it- me and DH and my DSis and DBIL. meet my dad at location and leave.
I have considered blocking dads number so maybe that is a thing to think about