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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I want to break up, but I am not sure, and it makes me sad and confused

4 replies

Niikurb · 26/06/2019 10:22

Hello, dear all. I'm so sad. I am pretty sure that I need to break up with my boyfriend of 1 year 10 months years because during the time (including living together for the past 10 months) it has become evident that while he is a good man and everything, we are just not compatible in some aspects and I am not sure I can live like this. We broke up once already, but he persuaded me to still continue and ensured we will find solutions. However, since then four months have passed and he has still not made any effort towards my biggest issue and has made some small changes regarding other issues and I see that there are just things that cannot be changed or which take just too much time and I do not have the energy to fight for these changes.
I'm terrified of talking to him about it.
On the one hand I want to tell him again what is wrong and try to fix it again, because there are so many good things about the relationship. Perhaps I have not been clear enough before (we do not seem to understand sometimes each other), perhaps he needs more time, perhaps I can get used to living the way I do not fully like (because it is not entirely bad and every relationship requires sacrifices, it is mostly good, but I want different things than him), perhaps I will regret letting him go if I just break it off, perhaps the next man will be worse.
On the other hand, I'm afraid that I will just prolong the agony trying to still fix things. I have little hope the things can be fixed and I'm sure that most of the mental load will be on me. I have to either adjust the way things are or to continuously "force" him to do what I need. I would hate it.

I do not want to break his heart, I do not want to regret it later, but I do not want to continue living like this either.

OP posts:
QueenOfTheCroneAge · 26/06/2019 10:31

Your first duty is to yourself. If you're not happy, leave. You can't sacrifice your life to someone just in case you break their heart! we heal from break ups, in time.

It sounds like he's paid lip service to your concerns, without actually doing anything about them. You can't carry a relationship alone, it takes two.

Mintlegs · 26/06/2019 15:37

What is it that’s wrong?

gamerchick · 26/06/2019 15:50

Whats he doing that you want him to change though? Is it reasonable?

I do think that people can't change their fundamental inside person. There are some things that can be changed like pulling their weight in the home etc but if it's something like internal selfishness then I'm not sure if that can.

gamerchick · 26/06/2019 15:52

And if it's mismatched libidos then it's better to cut your losses and move on imo.

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