Help/advice regarding child’s contact with her father.

[Youngmumma21]

Hello all,

I really need some advice as I’m very worried and confused! Me and my now ex partner broke up recently and we share a 10 month old daughter. Initially we had a good plan in place for him having contact and spending time with her, as he has no fixed address he would have her at a relatives house twice a week for 4 hours and 1 night at a weekend (he works nights) this was all going well until I found out he was taking and dealing drugs and had been doing this round our daughter at the relatives house!!!!

As soon as I found out I rang him and explained that I didn’t think it was safe for her to be round him while he was choosing to live like that and went and spoke to the citizens advice to see what I should do moving forward. They advised mediation which I’m in the process of sorting but he has recently started to message saying about his rights and how he’s entitled to see our daughter (which I’m aware of) and I know I can’t legally stop him. He hasn’t seen her for 2 weeks.

My problem is I’m really not comfortable being alone with him to supervise his contact with our daughter I also believe he is still taking drugs although he is denning it and I don’t want to put my daughter and myself in a potentially dangerous situation. I’ve bolted my door as he has a key and is refusing to give it back (although his name is no longer on the tenancy) and I’m just so scared that he’s going to come in and take her away and there’s nothing I can do about it?
Also if I allow him to come round and see her for an hour or so what happens if he won’t leave? I’ve got so much going on trying to sort out my living arrangement, money etc..... that I just don’t think I’ve got it in me to deal with him kicking off.

He hasn’t paid for her since we broke up and has told me that he won’t until he starts having contact. I was hoping to sort the mediation and he could then see her in a contact centre so she would be safe but he is saying that he wants to see her today or tomorrow and i don’t know what to do.

Any advice on how to arrange safe contact until the mediation? Or any services I can talk to about my situation?

Thank you.

It sounds like you’re worried and fearful - I wouldn’t be able to leave my child with someone I felt that way about. He may have a right to see her but he is risking that by taking drugs around her and purring her in dangerous situation. Sorry I can’t help more but can you call Citizens Asvice tomorrow and confirm that he doesn’t have a right to see her if he’s putting her at risk? They May say you need legal advice. Good luck. X

Thank you so much for your reply! I will definitely go and talk to citizens advice and see what they can do.

It’s just so exhausting! I’m trying so hard to do everything I believe is right by our daughter and it just seems like everyone is perfectly happy for him just to do what he wants and live his life as if he isn’t a dad but he will message me when it’s convenient for him (what it seems like) saying he wants to see her:( thanks again x

Personally I wouldn't let him see her until agreed in mediation or court ordered. He's just trying to bully you and if he's not safe to be around your dd, then that's it, screw his "rights". If you're in fear of him, contact women's aid or domestic violence support services in your area.

Can you get your lock changed? Some locks are fairly simple to change the barrel in yourself or practical-minded friend/family member? (You could speak to your housing officer/neighbourhood manager if you're in social housing about getting it changed, or your landlord if you're in private, they may possibly do it for you.)

Also, apply to the CMS to chase him for child support.

Just apply for csa if he isn’t paying. I wouldn’t allow contact at all unless it was court
Ordered.

He has no rights he has legal responsibilities of which one is to not to expose a child to harm (drugs violence etc).its also the law he has to provide financial help to support the child , please take note visitation and maintenance are separate issues and are treated separately . Look up child law advise.org.uk law line they are the best at the advice lots of info on their site there may be a number you can ring I spoke to them for advise it was awesome advice and legal advice. Keep all messages he sends you !

I think you need to look at what evidence you have of him taking drugs in front of your child. Unfortunately taking drugs is pretty common and to some extent excepted. Is he actifly puting your child in danger? My children's father was taking class a drugs as ss were involved due to something else they spoke to him about it. He convinced them he wasn't doing it with the children involved!
It's a horrible world we live in.

So far, what you know is hearsay, and the father has told you he isn't doing or selling drugs. Only you know whether he's a scumbag or not, this can't be news to you that he's suddenly a druggy, people don't generally just start selling drugs out of the blue having never touched them before. So is he the person you are saying you are worried about
or is it childish rumours? Drugs is a bit of an open comment also, is it weed or crack, because although both are illegal, but let's face it, there is a bit of a difference. The odd spliff is no different to you having a glass of wine around the child (I'm not ADVOCATING it, I just think it's a bit high horse when many parents are happy to get through a bottle of wine before bed, but run screaming THINK OF THE CHILDREN because someone had some weed). The point being I would need far more information to confirm that you must keep this child's father away, thus far you've told us nothing based on fact that gives you the right to stop their relationship. I would be phoning social services for advice if you are truly concerned. But if you are just trying to stop contact, I don't think that's right. In the meantime, could he see the child at your parents house for an hour if it'll appease him until you make some decisions?

I would call social services for advice.

I'm sure they will tell you that if you don't think he can meet her needs due to drugs then he can't see her unsupervised.

You'll also be able to get him to do a drugs tests and have contact in a contact centre if he is using.

Remember ss threshold is significant harm, not just harm (unfortunately). Getting a drugs test would need to be ordered by the courts, it's not as simple as thinking he's on drugs and him taking a drugs test.
Forcing a parent to have contact in a contact centre is the same, this involves court orders, unfortunately none of it is a simple solution.
See if you can get half an hour free legal advice and then go from there.

Hello all, thank you for all the replies.

Since the original post he has admitted to smoking week and taking cocaine while with our daughter and said he had enrolled himself in a rehab program. We came to an agreement as he made it clear he didn’t want to go to mediation so I tried to compromise and we came to a solution that he would see her at my flat with another adult there and he was doing drug tests before each visit. This was going well until I recently was told that he was still doing drugs at his best friends house (his friend lives in a shared house and the person that told me has witnessed his drug use there) he has also been “faking the drug tests” asking people (his family) to pee in the cup so he could have a negative result. He also kept telling me he had no money because he is in a lot of debt due to loans he got out for his drugs but also found out he’s buying the drugs and still not paying:/ He again is denying this so I’ve rang the mediation services to arrange contact where I don’t have to be involved?

Just to clear up some questions people had; I was aware that he was involved with drugs previously about 2 years into our relationship (we were 16) we broke up because he was cheating and he went off the rails and I just put that down to him being childish and immature. I also don’t drink alcohol? I’m not trying to stop him for seeing her? I just want to have a situation where she is safe when she’s with him?