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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH is lazy and grumpy

7 replies

WineIsMyCarb · 25/06/2019 23:36

Ok not always. But today he is. MY DM told me that my DSis threw away some bedding that DH had stayed in (ashamed writing that) because it was "all sweaty, hadn't been changed in the 3 weeks he'd stayed there". DSis is quite blade with belongings (loses valuable things, does just chuck stuff) but still, fucking hell what was wrong with the bedding. I get the impression the house wasn't left very clean and tidy (DH has been staying there in the week for new job ahead of our relocation). Am embarrassed.

He's basically a slob at home too. Had been let off tbe hook for years because of his panic disorder - couldn't manage a lot of everyday things - but now he's so much better but still there's stuff down his side of the bed, plates and cups on the dresser on his side. He 'did the kitchen' last night before bed which was actually putting the dishwasher on with whatever was already in it. Leftover food and curry pan just left out. Asked him to sort it this morning, which he did. But I resent having to ask him to do a proper job. He just heard me doing the kitchen and came in and asked if here's anything he could do. Asked him to get laundry out of dryer, which he did, then asked if I wanted him to take it upstairs?!?! No, I want you to hide it in the cupboard with the baked beans and then do a silly dance in the basket?!!!!? Hmm
He's always leaving everywhere a little bit disordered; gets of dogs and doesn't push cushions back in, doesn't make bed, gets DC up but doesn't make their beds or put any of their stuff away unless on weekly 'mission' to tidy.
I flip between not wanting to nag (cringed inside at writing that) and not wanting to have a constant battle. I go to friends and neighbours houses and they are all nice and tidy and I feel embarrassed at mine. He would say well we have young DC and not enough space and claims he does loads of chores.
Am tired of it all. Do I continue to live in always-slightly-rundown house, tell him a new chore to do every half hour or just do it all myself? All v well saying "he needs to take responsibility" but he's not doing. Sigh.

OP posts:
WineIsMyCarb · 25/06/2019 23:37

*Gets off SOFA

Why would sofa autocorrect to dogs?!?!

OP posts:
pallasathena · 26/06/2019 08:17

He has learned that you will carry the mental load, the emotional load and the domestic load. And as long as you do, the longer his behaviour continues.
If he's as incapable as you say, then I'd create a 'TO DO', list with his jobs clearly marked on the appropriate days. If you agree to continue 'managing', him, then life may become more bearable.
Alternatively....LTB ! Grin

WineIsMyCarb · 26/06/2019 17:09

Haha there's always LTB eh?!

I might just do the list, thanks. Seems patronising and infantilising but if the cap fits...! Thanks @pallasathena

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/06/2019 17:33

He has trained and otherwise manipulated here you very well indeed.

He does not need a list, how old is he?. He does not behave like this at work does he?. He sees all this as your job so is unimportant to him. As a result tasks are not done properly (that is with the idea that if he does this so badly you would never ask him again) or at all by him leaving it all to you.

You need to consider whether this relationship is actually worth it to you. What are you getting out of this relationship with him anyway?.

Littlehouse156 · 26/06/2019 17:37

I find lazy people extremely unattractive and couldn’t live like that.

Malvinaa81 · 26/06/2019 18:52

It's best to realise that he will not change, and the tensions you describe, are, I regret, permanent.

WineIsMyCarb · 26/06/2019 22:24

Thanks for your honest advice PPs. Sigh. Other things have been on my mind since I posted (good stuff, general life admin, work, etc, not 'loads of other problems by any stretch) so the heat of feeling about it all has gone. For now. Thank you for reading, it's good to have my anger about it acknowledged.

OP posts:
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