How do I tell my dad...

[Brittany2019]

...I can't afford to see him?

I work full time and earn a decent wage. Unfortunately, my OH can't work for medical reasons, and we have a five-year-old little boy, which means I'm supporting us all. Money is tight.

My mother was sick for many years and sadly died recently. We live in a different European country but would come over quite regularly to see her and my Dad.

My mother knew that money was tight, so would regularly slip a couple of hundred quid into my account "For travel expenses". This covered the costs of our tickets usually.

Now that my mother is no longer here, my dad has taken over the account, obviously. Except he obviously didn't know that my mother was paying our tickets over.

I'd really like to continue going to see him, but I actually can't afford it on my own wages. So my choice is either not going to see him, or somehow letting him know that I need him to give me money for tickets. Either way, I'm mortified about the situation.

WWYD?

I don’t think you should be mortified at all - you are working hard, supporting your family but money is not infinite . I think is just be very honest .... say that your mum used to help you with the cost, so it’ll
take you a little longer to save up the fare now, but you’re looking forward to seeing him as soon as you can

Justvto add, my parents are/were not short of a bob or two, and my father is very generous, but he would never think of giving me money off his own bat. And I'd be mortified to ask for it. But the alternative is that we don't see him and/Or we give up A Lot to fly over there.

You don't have to make it a big thing, if he asked when you are coming over just say you have no plans just now because things are a bit tight. No need for a huge 'I'm never coming to see you again' announcement. Things won't always be how they are now.

I would tell him your mum used to pay
Sorry for your loss.

The other other thing is that my dad feels very alone since my mum died, understandably. And is a bit defensive about it. So I want to be there for him as much as possible, but asking him for money to do that is just....cringe.

Just explain that you'll love to see him but can't afford to right now. Maybe he can move nearer to you?

I get the cringe factor but I think your dad would prefer to see you and would maybe see the money as part of a family pot anyway?

If he looks at old bank statements, which he might do for any number of reasons, he will see transfers made to you anyway, or payments for your travel?

Can your dad come over to you?

Why don't you invite your dad to visit you?

What would you want your ds to do when he is an adult with a young family and a tight budget? Ask for your help or struggle and visit you less?

Maybe he actually knows that your mum used to do that but is now wary of offering the same, because he does not want to be regarded as someone who is putting pressure on you to visit, when you already have a lot on your plate. An offer to buy tickets could feel like a summons, or an offer that would be awkward to refuse.

So, I’d tell him that you’d love to see him and that you have the spare time but not the spare cash.

I have invited him to come over, and he's coming for a few weeks in July. It's just...going forward...he'd prefer we come to him because he's more at ease at home. He's 80years old, tbf, so getting him to go anywhere without my mum is already a massive step.

Yes it is cringeworthy but you can say, matter of factly, that mum used to pay for your flights and without that input you simply couldn't afford it.

You can do it op. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

I'd be honest op, he's your dad, he'll totally understand (might even know already and is waiting for you to let him know) and I'm sure would rather know that finances disallow it, than you saying you can't visit at the moment.

"Dad I really wish we could get over to see you on a regular basis but I just don't have the funds to make it happen. Is there any chance you could come to us a bit more?"

It avoids asking for money and opens it up for him to have the 'good idea' of helping you out with flight costs as a better solution .

The alternative to asking is your dad thinking that now your mum isn't here you don't want to see him.

Be honest, tell him how much he means to you and explain the situation you are in-he's your dad...he'll help x

How about suggesting that, rather than birthday/Christmas presents, you would appreciate a contribution to travel costs. This hopefully shows you want to see him as often as possible but doesn’t sound like you expect him to pay for you. It might highlight your financial situation but doesn’t sound grasping.

I think PPs suggestion to say you really want to come and visit but need to save up for the tickets first is a good idea. Then he can offer if he wants but no pressure and he'll know you want to see him. If you say nothing you'll both just feel bad, he might feel you don't want to visit anymore. I know I'd want to know if you were my DC.

Sorry, I can't see why you don't tell him the truth. "Dad money's tight with us and when we came over, Mum was paying for the tickets."

Sorry to hear of the loss of your DMum.
I can understand OP not wanting to tell her Dad that she is short of money. My DMum died before my DDad. I was often stuck for money but I never told my DDad. He was from a different time and did not do things the way they are done more recently. He had no credit rating because he never borrowed money. He just would not have understood.
With OP and her DDad being in different countries there may be even more differences in the way their countries pay Child Benefit if at all.
When your DDad visits would it be possible to say something like would he consider a retirement flat near you? This depends of course if he has other DCs and DGC in his home country.

Thank you all for your understanding and sympathy and for not shouting at my ridiculousness. You're all right in that I have to just put my big girl pants on and deal with the situation.

How about suggesting that, rather than birthday/Christmas presents, you would appreciate a contribution to travel costs. This hopefully shows you want to see him as often as possible but doesn’t sound like you expect him to pay for you. It might highlight your financial situation but doesn’t sound grasping.

I think this is what I'll do. He'd probably be quite relieved at that anyway, as it was my mother who always organised all the presents.

Thanks again lovely MNers.

Is he OK to travel on his own? Invite him over to you. Explain you can't afford to travel at the min as money is tight but that you would love to see him.