Mumsnet has ruined it for me! (lighthearted - a bit...)

[CantKeepTrackOfEachFallenRobin]

I grew up with the message that I needed to find myself a husband. That I shouldn't be 'too' anything, lest I put off a man. That I should ameliorate myself; manage myself; discipline myself; watch myself so as not to offend or diminish or put off any man who crossed my path, should he be the one to pick me off the shelf as declare me as 'his'.

As a teenager/young adult in the 1990s I find it incredible that in the age of 'Girl Power' (shit as that actually was in reality) I was still receiving that message loud and clear - like a fog horn.

Needless to say, I failed. I am 'too' everything. Too intelligent; outspoken; opinionated; determined; single minded' self sufficient. I never quite mastered 'toning' myself down nor in doing myself up. I 'emasculated' men by opening my own doors; being my own 'roadie'; paying my own way. (According to what I've been told).

And then I started to think that maybe I was getting it wrong and that maybe these people had a point. Certainly, the women I saw around me who 'appeared' the happiest were those who were doing all these things that I weren't.

So I tried. I tried to watch my tongue; I tried to be demure; I tried to smile sweetly whilst sipping wine. I tried to defer to my husband (yes, I did eventually acquire one for a while) and then I tried to excuse him.

I discovered Mumsnet. And the amazing people here supported me when I discovered his affair. They described him to me exactly. I thought all the while, this is not my husband they are talking about. They don't know him. Yet they knew him only too well and, over the months, he became exactly who the vipers had described him as being!

And I realised that who I was before is who I am meant to be and who I have always been and who I will always be.

And now...

Well now, I'm single and completely incapable of having a relationship!

I'd love one. I'd love a partner; a relationship; a best friend; good sex; respect; love; a future - I'd love all of that but Mumsnet has ruined it for me.

Why?

Well, because I know that just because a man is a 'gentleman' who opens doors and doesn't push for sex, it doesn't mean he is a good man who will respect his partner with honesty and truthfulness.

I can recognise red flags and toxic people/behaviours. I know what I am prepared to put up with in my life and what I am not.

I know the extent to which some men will lie to maintain the private life they have away from their partner.

I also know that I am not perfect and won't find perfection in anyone else either, but I know what my dealbreakers are and I won't overlook shitty behaviour because "I love him" or because I'm scared of what being alone will look like.

I see people around me who are happily single, unhappily single, happily partnered, unhappily partnered. I'm constantly frustrated by the shit I see my friends put up with at the hands of their men because they'd rather endure that than face the shame of a failed relationship.

And I just won't do it.

And I sometimes think how much easier it would be if I did and I wonder if I've got it wrong.

(Bit of an incoherent brain fart but I hope you get what I'm trying to say)

There is no shame in a failed relationship. Some maybe like if you had an affair or something, but sometimes things just don't work out.
I think that MN can be quite an unhealthy place - I'm certainly more suspicious from being here.

I could have written this.

Not so well, but it is also my story.

I have read some helpful books though. I am in a relationship now at 49 and it is like my first real relationship, although we are not in each other's pockets!

I read
A woman in your own right - anne dickson.
5 pillars of self esteem - nathaniel barden
Nice girl syndrome - beverley engel phd
Mr unavailable and the fall back girl - natalie lue
Running on empty - jonice webb (about childhood emotional neglect)
Attached - rachel heller and adam levine
I have also listened to a lot of clips about relationships online. Alan robarge for one..

I think MN is a very supportive place in the right circumstances. The ‘vipers’ helped me see more clearly what I was putting up with but in a clear impartial way, not like a friend or family member who I found were more inclined to think I should have stayed with my ex (not that I’d told them everything).
I’m the same as you now, single. Been so a long time. At this moment however I don’t want a relationship, I don’t want demands on my sparce free time and I don’t want sex. Can’t bear the idea after past experiences and feelings (I might work on that one day).
I would say though on meeting men in my everyday life, one of whom some friends were nudging me towards flirting with, I could spot the red flags easily the more and more he said.
I don’t feel spoiled by MN, I feel free, wise and content. In a good place overall. I’ve had some very good advice here and it’s nice to help others if you can

Yep me too! Two years on from the bomb that exploded my marriage and I just can't even entertain the idea of entertaining a man. Thanks mn!

I agree with mikeuniformmike though. Ten years ago, i felt intimidated by couples and inadequate that i was institutionally single. Now that im heading towards my 50s i feel happy and relieved that im independent and free.
I can do anything i want to and ive no fear of a ltr ending. The only thing i cant do is socialise with couples!

There is no shame in a failed relationship.

Oh I completely agree! But I see so many women staying in relationships that are not healthy; not making them happy or that are downright abusive because they feel that it is their responsibility, or 'within their gift' to make it work.

I'm content on my own. I would love to be in a relationship but I feel that I'm now so attuned to dysfunction that I see it everywhere. I don't date but I do occasionally meet someone and get asked out on dates - I've even had a few short term relationships, but I have no issue walking away either without any regrets.

I've read books, I've had therapy, I've engaged with groups. I've educated myself on toxic relationships etc but I do sometimes wonder if I'm any happier as a result!

Well no you probably aren't happier because the veil has been lifted. It's like taking the pill in the matrix. You might not be standardly "happy" but you are free!

As for the relationship element. None of the things you have mentioned should shut you off to the possibility of finding a partner but they should arm you so you don't waste more time with the wrong one.

I think of it like toxic plants or food that would poison us. If we didn't learn we would eat things that get us sick but never learn so repeat it over and over and wonder why we keep getting ill but the knowledge of what's toxic to us means we naturally avoid the things that would poison us, so it doesn't stop us eating all together we just avoid the things that would sicken us. And yes that doesn't mean we don't occasionally get food poisoning but that's life even with all the knowledge in the world sometimes bad things still happen.

This is why I'd rather have a FWB arrangement than a relationship. I am sick of hauling a man's emotional load around. Keep it light and fun and compartmentalised.

I kind of understand. I think reading about relationships here and my own experience has shown me that there is no such thing as a fairytale relationship. There is a certain innocence in thinking you can meet the one and live happy ever after and once you lose that you never get it back.

Although I like to think that because I’m more aware of the flags in the early stages it may take longer to pair up but once that happens it really will be for keeps

Similar here too - and I’m not sure I can even be arsed to have another relationship (at the grand old age of 47)...

FWB will do me when I’m ready.

The thing I’m struggling the most with though is trying to fill my time. Friends are all partnered up and very busy and I want to live my life, doing lovely things, but I’ve bloody got no-one to do it with!

Well yeah the reality is most relationships fail. Most people let you down. Once you see through people's bs you wonder whether any of it is worth the bother.

so the short version is, you think you have made life harder with your realisations?

I don't think so. I find single life much easier. I've dealt with illness, injury, loss of a parent etc with the help of friends and sister. Tbh I think a man in my life would just be a huge pain.

plus, people, especially partners, don't usually appear alone in your life. They are usually accompanied by a whole bunch of other people and a whole bunch of crap.