Am I over reacting? Totally abandoned and not too sure what to do next.

[beaz71]

Its been a few weeks since my last post and I need some more advice (seeing as I got great help from you last time).

As a brief; my partner for 18 years upped and left me and our 14-year-old son 5 weeks ago for a younger woman he met in Vietnam. He upped and left within 10 days and is now living with her in Vietnam permanently. He did not tell his family or friends before he left just sent sporadic texts when he arrived “met another woman and now live in Vietnam. Don’t call me I won’t answer”. I obviously had to deal with the family calling me following this.

As suggested by you guys, I have had no communication with the ex. apart from short texts to sort out bills. Plus, respond to a rude message that he had sent my son “call me a wxxker but at least answer me” by responding “this is not an appropriate message. We are both sad and grieving at the moment”. After which he admitted that he was sad to understand we were so sad. He did not realise this as no one had told him and that he was sorry that he had caused this – that things for him were not exactly as he had hoped for. (oh boo hoo for you!).

My son has not answered his texts as he is not ready and I am not forcing him to. I don't even know whether the ex has spoken to his family yet, Whenever I ask they go silent. But now I have the exs family on our backs. It is as if they are judging me; is the house clean, is my son OK, is she going mad? So they can feed back to the ex.

What do I do about his family? His mum seems to be constantly calling me or wanting to visit. If I do not answer she calls again as if she is panicking and when we do speak it is as if she just wants to ask questions and find out information about my financial situation and son so it can be filtered through to my ex.

Additionally, one of his brothers is contacting my son directly to organise trips out with him. Trips that I have to later cancel as he does not want to go. My son has been on one trip with him and the next day his dad sent him a message detailing what he had done with his uncle the previous day. It did not go down well with us at all.

My son is grieving (and so am I) and I have made it clear that both me and my son need some time alone but it is all falling on deaf ears. I just need space – what do I do?

Am I over reacting to all of this? I don’t trust his family at all. Their brother / son has done wrong but not one of them has actually told me this, They have only acknowledged that he should not have left me in this house!

Stop being so polite and just block them.

They sounds really insensitive. Invasive. Double-faced... to name but a few things!

So sorry he just fucked off like that; really hope his new life has gone sour.

Keep doing what you're doing. Focus on your DS and you. No-one else matters at the moment. Are you getting any actual support from any friends or your family? Must be bloody hard. But you'll get there.

Completely block his family! You don't need to have any contact with these people at all.

let's hope he gets dengue fever in his dick and it drops off

You need to tell them you need space. I wouldn't trust them either. Ignore them, stall them, palm them off, keep them at arm's length. Tell them you'll discuss finances and practicalities directly with your ex, once the dust has settled.

After a while, start working on a new plan for your life

Are his family panicking about the situation and are trying to make sure you are okay, although going about it in a particular unsuccessful way? If your son needs some space, could you block them on his phone so that messages are filtered through you for a while? Can you deflect your MiL with "we're fine, everything´s fine" and refuse to be drawn in? I would try to deflect it for a while and see if it calms down.

OP, I'm sorry you are going through this. You sound like you are helping your DS through it and being strong for him.

I would send one last firm message to say you both need space. That it's possible your DS will want a relationship with his gran, uncles etc at some later stage but right now the constant questioning is upsetting for both of you. Then block like others have suggested.

xxxx

Hope you are managing . Tell his family if you need anything you will be in touch .

You need to be crystal clear in a message.

'Your ds / db walked out on us with no notice. He is now living in another country with a new partner leaving us grieving and at a complete loss. None of this is our fault. We need space and time to come to terms with what has happened. Please leave us alone to process what has happened. To be very clear, if anyone constantly messages us and does not give us the space we have asked for, they will be permanently blocked from our phones and social media. Your ds / db has acted in a callous way towards us with his actions, give us the courtesy of space and time to deal with what has happened.'

Good luck

Wow. You do not need to be dealing with all of this. They are HIS family. You are under no obligation to answer to any of them. Do not answer any of their messages. Absolutely appalling behaviour. I feel for you. You and your son deserve better. Go total NC with the whole weird lot of them. What a bunch of weirdos. You now get to be selfish. You only do what suits you and your son. If it was me, I’d change the locks, change my phone number etc. Is the house in your name? I’d be tempted to get rid of it and move somewhere else and not tell any of them where I’d gone. Screw all of them. Have you been to a solicitor to file for divorce?

There should be no unsupervised visits, there is always the possibility that one of them could put your son on a plane. You just don't know.

Block them.
If you still want some relationship with mil unblock her for x amount of times a month.

Keep it simple. If she starts to get nosy - nothing to do with you. Anyway have to go and hang up.

I agree with changing the locks and blocking the lot of them. You owe them nothing.

Totally agree with changing the locks and blocking them. Of his life in Vietnam goes pear shaped he could move back in. Who owns the house, if I were you I'd be making plans to secure a roof over my head that EP cannot enter or his vile family. You dont owe any of them anything, I usually think be polite first but in this instance I'd fuck them off toot suite

New sims in phones, new social media accounts, new locks on doors and legal advice as to where you stand in regards to the house, then once legally sorted a new home and a new start away from these awful people. I remember your original thread OP, I hope you and your son are doing as well as can be expected, sending your both virtual hugs

They have only acknowledged that he should not have left me in this house!

Sorry just reread this, so they would be happy for their grandson/nephew to be homeless then? No calls or visits to your DC from now on, I would suspect they are trying to get him onside to "understand" your ex side of things. That can end up nowhere good.

Don’t ask for space, tell them that you are making space and there isn’t room for the constant contact. Then, don’t reply. Tell your son to refer any contact to to you and then ignore them (changing his number might be easier in the long run).

His family aren’t your problem, so let them be your problem by ignoring them.

What is your financial situation op?
Make sure you and your son are secure because it sounds like they’ll all fuck you over given half the chance!
I agree tell them you will have to speak to the police as they are harassing you and your son and block them all.

I'm sure they don't know what to do either.

That's not your problem though! Just say, we need space, my son is upset, dont call anymore until August and we will call over to see you then together'

I have had to deal with bullying people like this and I found that putting a date and saying that you will call to them on a certain date, calms them down. It might buy you some time.

Pity you can't make it so your husband can't get back in to your house, because he is definitely coming back.

Who owns the house? I would be very suspicious of their motives.

It’s clear now that his family aren’t doing anything in your interest.

Block them/tell them as little as possible. They go silent when you have asked them about your ex’s plans so return the favour and go silent when they probe what you are doing!!

Change the locks.

I guess your “DH” will be back when his money runs out (did he abandon his job too?)

Block them.

Concentrate on you and your son.

“Pity you can't make it so your husband can't get back in to your house, because he is definitely coming back.”

I haven’t read your previous thread, but I definitely got the same impression from how you’ve described his and his family’s actions.

He sounds like he needs more money. Either he’s going to come back or if he owns part of the house, he’ll want you to sell it quickly so he can get his imagined half (doubt he will be entitled as much as you have a child).

I would block them on your sons media and phone, explain why - that it is something that you and your exDH need to sort out without the families interference.
Have you seen a solicitor yet?

Contact Women's Aid and ask for a recommendation for a solicitor. You need legal advice as quickly as possible.
He will come back, with or without the other woman.
This woman will have every intention of fleecing him for as much as possible.
The most likely development is that he will want to sell the house so he can buy a property in Vietnam. He will have to buy it in her name as it is illegal for him to buy in his own name. Then she will dump him.
I am so sorry this has happened to you.

Thanks everyone, as always the greatest genuine advise which has given me plenty of food for thought.

To answer a few questions: -
the house is joint mortgage and we both pay half. He did try and get it on the market before he left (4 days after he announced his infidelity) but I told him I was not ready. My intention is to wait till I am 3 months into a job and then I can look at a suitable mortgage,
My ex works for a company who's head office is based in Vietnam and is very well paid. He will have no trouble continuing with paying the mortgage and will have loads to spare too for his concubine :)
I doubt whether he will ever come back to the UK and it will certainly not be for financial reasons. It will probably be because of embarrassment at what he has done and his new wife will certainly not be accompanying him.

Yes, I have my strong instincts about his family. Told his uncle nicely to give my son some space yesterday (and reminded him this was the second time I have asked). Have not heard from him since. I'll have to deal with his mother tonight no doubt and will be honest and frank that we would like our space. Unless she has something to tell me there is no need for her to call. I already know she will say that she would like to see her grand son and I will have to tell her that she has many grand children and also a son in Vietnam that she could focus on instead.

Have legal aid booked in for end of next week. Will not go legal with him as if not he might stop paying everything in anger.

My son received another message from the ex yesterday. "hope your day was good. Missing you. If I call you will you answer". I mean seriously what an insensitive piece of shxx. This later resulted in my son breaking down screaming and crying and howling like something I had never heard before. It was true pain. We had a hug and I stroked him saying that it was good that he had done that. That the pain was coming out and it would get better. That he needs to get the pain out so his life can get easier rather than carrying it around with him for the rest of his life.

Any further advise would be great. I still can't believe its only been a few weeks and I know things will get harder.

The next step is for me to get space from negative people (his family) and to ensure moving forward that any information regarding my son is filtered through me.

I think you should tell your son's teacher and HOY what has happened. Talk it through with your son first, obviously, but he will need support and the school can arrange some confidential support for him.
Poor kid. What his father has done to him is an absolute disgrace.