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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can a relationship survive violence?

30 replies

Betteranon · 25/06/2019 13:20

I don’t know how best to say this so i’ll Just come out with it: DH and I were arguing and he shoved me. Not a little push, a shove with all his strengths which sent me flying, I landed on my bottom a couple of meters back and my glasses flew off my face. I am not exaggerating, he is a big man, I am small and he put all his strength behind the shove.

I am in complete shock. I cannot believe I am the kind of person who would allow herself to become a victim.

DH is gone, I asked him to leave. At first he tried telling me how it was my fault for being in a bad mood and arguing with him, but I stopped that and told him it was all on him. We do argue a lot, we are both under a lot of stress, we also talk a lot and try to sort things out, but he cannot control himself. He has exploded with anger before but never become physical. Then he became remorseful and said he could not believe he had gone that far and that he could only apologize and he knew it was not enough. I didn’t engage, told him to leave.

Where do I go from here? I really need to talk to someone but I am a stupid idiot with no friends. My best friend died 18 months ago, I a man autistic and find it difficult to make friends despite desperately wanting to and my mother is an abusive narcissist. I am not in the UK. What do I do with myself and the DCs? I can’t go home, I only have my awful mother there.

I am sorry if this message is a mess I a must writing through tears, the DCs are at school. I have friends to entertain this evening and the school play.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 25/06/2019 14:34

You didn't "allow" anything.
He didn't ask, you didnt let.

He just gave you a massive shove, which sent you flying.

This is your warning, time to leave.

zweifler1 · 25/06/2019 14:36

this isn't your fault.

where do you live?

what is your visa situation?

are you trying to get back to the UK?

MonkeyToesOfDoom · 25/06/2019 14:37

It makes no odds whether it could or couldn't. Basically and simply put, it shouldn't under any circumstances continue or survive in any form.

Do not put up with it. Do not attempt to move past it.
End it now.

Teddybear45 · 25/06/2019 14:39

He not only crossed a line but tried to gaslight you too . I don’t think you can accept it or move on. Your only option is to divorce else he’ll just do it again.

Billben · 25/06/2019 14:42

He can’t control himself and his first reaction was to blame you for him getting physically abusive.
I would be scared of him doing it again (or worse) next time we argued. And the time after that. So I would just avoid getting into a confrontation with him for fear of it happening again. That’s no way to live.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 25/06/2019 14:44

So sorry he has done this to you.

Not engaging and asking him to leave was exactly the right thing to do.

If you have friends coming over this evening, could you talk to them about all this? You need some real life support.

Betteranon · 25/06/2019 14:50

I can stay where I am, no visa issues.

I can’t tell these friends, I don’t know them well enough. I don’t want the DC to know.

OP posts:
Betteranon · 25/06/2019 14:50

Can anyone get over this kind of thing with anger management or something or am I fooling myself?

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 25/06/2019 15:31

The relationship can survive.
There is a chance that he won't do it again.
There is also a chance that it will happen again but it will be much worse.
Anger management is an option.
I wasn't there so can't judge the situation.
What you need to do is get yourself into a position of not being dependent.
I think I would make it plain that if anything like that happens again, he will be unlikely to see you or the DC ever again, and mean it.

ChristmasFluff · 25/06/2019 15:38

If you stay with him, it will get worse, because he knows he can be violent and you will stay. Anger management will not work, because he is able to manage his anger perfectly well when he wants to. Unless he has been sacked for pushing over his manager, for example.

When he did it, he showed no signs of immediate distress, of taking full responsibility, of knowing he had completely screwed up. Oh no, he decided to try to blame you. Those are NOT the actions of someone likely to change.

I would 100 per cent end the relationship.

If he then decides to sort himself out, and shows evidence of changed behaviour (such as paying for his children and arranging appropriate visitation etc) over a period of years, then maybe give him a second chance.

But I'd bet this won't happen.

madcatladyforever · 25/06/2019 15:42

No you can't get over it with anger management sorry.

My first husband started being violent after 5 years of marriage. I wanted to move on from it and told him it wasn't acceptable but I would try again as long as it never happened again.

Naturally the violence escalated until I was hospitalised.

How I wish I had had him removed by the police the very first time, it would have saved me from years of pain.

Don't have him back. There is never a first and only time.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/06/2019 15:46

"Can anyone get over this kind of thing with anger management or something or am I fooling myself?"

No person thinks they will become a victim of domestic violence and its no respecter of persons.

You were correct in asking him to leave. He needs to remain apart from you now. Your relationship with him is over because of the violent behaviours.

Do not be fooled here, there is really no going back from what has happened to you. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE and that applies no matter where you are from or currently living.

What are the domestic violence services like where you are living, you need to contact them as soon as you are able to do so.

Anger Management is no answer to domestic violence. This man has a problem with anger, your anger when you rightly call him out on his unreasonable behaviours towards you. This man can in all likelihood control himself properly around other people and its not your fault he is conducting his own private based war against you. You are not responsible for the choices or actions of another person. I note he blamed you for his actions; practically all abusive people do this too.

Abuse like you describe here from him thrives on secrecy; please tell someone!. You have taken a small but significant step in writing about this on here.

Your children will pick up on all the vibes and will sense something is badly wrong between you and their dad. You will not be able to hide this from them. You grew up with an abusive mother, she taught you a lot of damaging lessons about relationships as well.

SimonJT · 25/06/2019 15:54

It could never happen again, or it could escalate, you don’t know which one will happen.

My ex and I had two physical fights that he started, I don’t think he is an aggressive person, it was just blind panic at being caught.

LexMitior · 25/06/2019 18:15

Ignore the fools who suggest anger management. Chronically angry people don’t reserve it for their wives or husbands. They literally can’t control themselves.

If your partner is not shoving people at work then he’s abusive. The look what you made me do argument is classic abusive language.

So no, your relationship cannot survive violence.

taiwalish · 25/06/2019 20:40

Even if he never does it again, you'll know that he's capable and will keep that in the back of your mind. I don't think him taking an anger management class can take that fear away.

Jellylegsni · 25/06/2019 21:19

I don't know if anger management would help him op, but I had an abusive childhood and experienced and witnessed some very tramautic things. I have learned as an adult just how important it is to have a feeling of safety and security at home and I am not sure that you could ever have that with him now. The fear that something could happen with the knowledge that it has before.. no, I don't think I could live with that and I don't think you should have to. He is the one who has done wrong here and please don't forget that.

motherofcats81 · 25/06/2019 22:11

I think it's particularly worrying that he wasn't sorry OP.

My ex shoved me, (and also wasn't at all sorry). And of course, months later, it turned into hitting me (he wasn't sorry then either). It wasn't all the time at all, but I think once a line has been crossed things do tend to escalate even if very gradually.

Betteranon · 26/06/2019 07:34

Thank you everyone, especially those of you who have been in this situation and were brave enough to get out.

We’re meeting today. I don’t think I trust him anymore. Will try to make arrangements about DCs, etc.

OP posts:
Betteranon · 25/08/2019 08:25

Just a little update in case anyone is in a similar situation. We have split up, H never came back home. When we met we discussed arrangements for the DCs and told the DC about the divorce that afternoon.

At first I was shell-shocked and lost. I did think about fixing things and getting back together but I was also very conflicted. I managed to speak to a counsellor straight away and that helped a lot. Over time I started feeling more and more relief and realised that H had been angry for a long time and his anger had been really affecting me. I can't say it's all perfect now, it's a tough adjustment but, two months later, I am beginning to feel it was the right decision.

OP posts:
onyourway · 25/08/2019 08:53

Glad to hear you are ok and thank you for updating.

LexMitior · 25/08/2019 10:02

Good to hear from you. Congratulations on your bravery. You will feel even better soon. Keep at it.

FinallyHere · 25/08/2019 14:22

Well done @Betteranon

All the best for you and your DC.

VikVal · 25/08/2019 15:17

No, once a guy turns violent get fucking rid of him ASAP. Honestly, no good ever comes with staying with some loser who batters around women. It's like a dog turning on you, it might be a one off but in your mind you know it could happen again at any point...And just like dogs they usually do strike again!

VikVal · 25/08/2019 15:18

Ahhh just read your update, well done and huge respect and hugs to you.

Spanielmadness · 25/08/2019 15:21

Even if he never does it again you will always be afraid when there is any conflict or disagreement.

I’ve been there.

It’s not a life you want for you or your children to live.