No affection

[Wolfie26]

I've been with my boyfriend for three and a half years now. We don't live together and have no plans to - both of us are happy with this. I stay over at his three times a week usually and we go on holiday together a couple of times a year.

When we first got together he was very affectionate, always kissing and cuddling. Now things are very different and have been for at least 2 years. Apparently he is not actually a very affectionate person. Other than sex once or twice a week (which isn't really enough for me) we have minimal physical contact. We sit on different couches when watching tv, we sleep in different rooms, kisses are pecks - very rarely a proper kiss, he will only cuddle me if I make a big deal out of it or if he wants sex, hand holding is completely forbidden.

I am an affectionate person, not massively so but I enjoy a 10 minute cuddle on the couch or in bed before getting comfy on my own if need be, I enjoy random kisses and kissing during sex. The lack of these things is starting to bring me down and lose some self esteem.

We have had many conversations (last one being less than a week ago) about this and he promises he will make more of an effort but he never really does. His 'effort' makes me feel worse. For example, last night I went to go to bed early after a long day at work. He wanted me to stay up later with him, I did and said why don't we cuddle up in bed and watch something. Two hours later, good chat and good company but still no cuddle. I went to go to bed and asked him again. He put a timer on his phone for 5 minutes and lay there spooning me whilst huffing and puffing and complaining about why would I even want a cuddle if it has to be forced.

I am now starting to accept that he won't change. This is who he is and I either have to accept it or leave. Has anyone else ever been in this kind of relationship and felt it has gotten easier? I do love him and don't want to leave as otherwise, we have a pretty good relationship but I don't want to feel like this forever either. Has anyone ever managed to be happy without affection when they previously craved it?

Sorry for the long, possibly garbled post - out waking the dog!

Well, I get the idea of " why would you even want a cuddle if it has to be forced" - but he's the one making it feel as forced as humanly possible by putting a bloody timer on his phone!

With my ex it wasn't physical affection I craved, it was just him coming home in the evening. He is a workaholic and not family-minded at all. I told myself not to be fussy, that he was lovely in many other ways and I was BU to want to change him. Then in the end he got himself an OW and said it was because he didn't feel part of the family, among other things.

We never kissed much either - I wasn't hugely into it. Now I have a new bf and the kissing is excellent. Maybe your bf is just not that into kissing and cuddling you?

Move on.

Having gone through that with my exh, now I wouldn't put up with things that made me unhappy just for a "pretty good relationship".

Sounds like you're not compatible
Leave him

I am now starting to accept that he won't change. This is who he is and I either have to accept it or leave. Has anyone else ever been in this kind of relationship and felt it has gotten easier?

You are right, this is what he is like and he won’t change. If anything, he will make less and less effort as the years go on. And he will give up even trying if he feels he has trapped you ie if you move in together, you get pg pr you lose your job.

You are not compatible . You want affection and he doesn’t, nor does he care enough to give you what you want.

It will only get easier if you give up wanting affection from him, let that part of yourself die. But I suspect this will also kill any love you have for him.

Sorry, I know this is really hard.

Who the fuck sets a timer on their phone to time a cuddle. Jesus Christ id have told him not to fucking bother and piss off back to wherever he came from

Yup, that would have pissed me off royally.

Were you not angry about that, Wolfie?

He put a timer on his phone for 5 minutes and lay there spooning me whilst huffing and puffing and complaining about why would I even want a cuddle if it has to be forced.

This is one of the saddest things I've read on here in years ☹️

OP your expectations and the way you show affection are totally incompatible.

The only positive resolution would be him suddenly genuinely wanting the same level of affection as you.

That isn't going to happen and will make you increasingly unhappy. I've been in the position of desperately wanting my partner to cuddle me and begging him to then lying there with him knowing he doesn't want to be there. It's soul destroying.

Put on a five minute timer for you to take deep breaths and tell him it's over.

Time to move on, he won’t change and your self esteem will suffer.

How horrible for you. Why would you settle for that?

That’s horrible and kind of demeaning. What a way to make you feel like shit for perfectly reasonable needs.

It really won’t get better if he’s prepared to behave that way. Clearly, it’s a total aversion on his part - so average in fact he’s willing to humiliate you.

I can’t think of a good reason to stay with this man other than misplaced hope.

• averse!

He sounds very cold. I couldn't be with someone like that. Honestly, you deserve better.

I was in a relationship just like this and it did not end up well.

If I wanted a cuddle, kiss or anything, I would always have to be the one to initiate it.

It would always end up in an argument and we would just go round in circles. He just wouldn't meet me halfway or make the effort.

Now I'm out of it, I realise how miserable I really was!

Please don't settle for this.

Not everyone is affectionate, it isn’t something you can change, so the only options are to put up with it or leave. It isn’t at all unreasonable to leave a relationship if you are unhappy about something, it doesn’t matter what is making you unhappy either, you and your happiness is a priority.

I couldn’t be with someone who isn’t affectionate either, just as I imagine someone who is affectionate would probably find me too much.

May I ask why you are sleeping in separate beds when you stay over at his?

The timed five minutes of forced cuddling is just awful. I feel really sorry for you.

As others have said, maybe you’re incompatible.