Struggling to let go of the past

[purplelass]

This time four years ago I was in the middle of discovering ExH's affair. We've been divorced for just over two years now, he's still living with the OW and I'm happily dating my lovely DP.

Our teenage DD lives with me and I've made the decision to let her and ExH make arrangements between themselves as to when they see each other, as he kept messaging me whining about her and I won't have it any more.

So in theory I never need to think about him again unless DD comes to me for support when he's being a complete knob about putting her needs before his own, which is what he does.

But I can't stop thinking about how angry he still makes me feel. He made himself the victim in our split, despite the fact that I gave him two chances to drop the OW and go to counselling, he carried on seeing her and coming home to me. I gave him one last chance to be completely honest with me and found that he'd booked a hotel for a romantic weekend with her (you may remember my 'is the hotel for me or her?' post from then, it was a nightmare!)

This time of year is especially bad as it's the anniversary of my marriage crashing down and brings back all the negative emotions.

How can I let go of the anger? I hate feeling this angry, it's not like me! I want to move forward as I'm really happy with nearly all of my life right now, it's just this dark cloud hanging over me...

Have you had counselling Purple? If not, that will be a good step towards getting over it.

My best friend is currently going through similar and I can see the utter heartbreak it causes clearly....people like your ex and my friends husband, are emotional cripples.

They can't see or feel other people's feelings as normal people can.

No I haven't Penny, I guess it might help but money's tight as he pays very little maintenance (quits his job if I go through CSA!) - do you know how much it might cost?

It does also depend on where you live.But many therapists offer a sliding scale. I paid my therapist £23 less than his usual evening charge but I was in London and it was still £40 a session.

www.bacp.co.uk/search/Therapists

Good grief Orange - I'm in the south east so it'll probably be similar and I can't afford that

I wonder whether there's any self help books in the library..? That might help I guess?

You can spread out sessions too, I know someone who goes every 2-3 weeks. Maybe if you contact a charity?

But my therapist taught me that it's okay to feel angry. His behavior was awful. Maybe writing a letter to him you don't have to send necessarily would help. The best revenge is massive success and moving on.

2 years since I last saw my ex. We were together 20 years and have a 22 year old together. It ended very badly when I found out he'd been having a 4 year affair. It was horrific and I still cry regularly about the pain and the loss of my family.

I frequently get very angry and I hate it. I think however that underneath anger is hurt and if you can tap into the real feeling underneath and stay with it and feel all the grief and sadness and hurt - it will release the anger. Perversely, I think anger is a way of denying the loss and hurt and hanging on to a form of connection with the ex.

I did get a counselling almost straight away and I am very thankful for it. I have recently started to see my therapist again as I seem to have regressed. Maybe like you because it's the time of year when I last saw my ex, which was such a sad and lonely experience.

I am sorry that you cannot afford counselling - It is bloody expensive. In an ideal world I'd rather be spending the money on something else but sadly I still need someone to talk to.

I often write letters I don't send - but I have to ask myself what is it that I want? I don't want apologies - they would just hurt. There is nothing that I want - except - if I am honest, my family back together (which he doesn't want). So in the end I am just left with my grief.

However you may be different. Do you want him to acknowledge the pain he caused for example? Do you want to tell him how much he hurt you?

In your case - might it be better if you met with him for a non-combative chat? Not necessarily suggesting this - but just throwing out examples that may help a shift occur.

OP I have this from time to time. Not all the time and it’s getting less all the time. As rosabug suggested I wrote letters, to him, to his friends, to his mother. I never sent them but they helped put my feelings in order. Mine wasn’t another woman but years of emotional abuse, he date raped me, was putting spyware on my things etc. I get angry at him and angry at myself for putting up with it for so long.
Some nights after I left him it kept me awake I got the laptop out and started typing. It’s really cathartic.
Now, 4 years on, I’ve started telling the whole truth to friends and talking it over. Again not very often, just when I’m triggered by something. It does get better. Your life sounds much improved as is mine. Good luck to you

Thanks so much - I definitely like the idea of writing (but not sending) a letter. I absolutely don't want to engage with him as he makes me sooo angry and I hate feeling that way.
Yes, I'm going to write a letter, get it all out of my system, and burn it - hopefully that will help!
I've gone through my old emails this week and deleted any from him, that felt good