Relationship with daughter at breaking point

[Notgettinganyyounger23]

Hi all, my dd is 22 and lives at home with me with my gorgeous 10 week old grandchild. She lives rent free and isnt expected to contribute. I work full time but do as much as i can to help, including having him overnight on a free occasions while she has attended weddings, hen nights etc. The trouble is she seems to have no respect for me whatsoever and her attitude is appalling. There have been rumblings for a while but last night it all went up and she moved to her dads which made me feel awful. I had been your work all day, i had babysat Thursday evening, babysat Friday overnight until 2pm Saturday. I did the 4am night feed overnight Saturday and looked after him most of Sunday. Sunday I ordered a takeaway, and because it wasn't from the one she used refused it, ordered her own and said so are you transferring the money. I tried to just let it go. I walked in from work yesterday first words, whats for tea, i told her, then she said how longs it going to be told her about an hour. She just said good I'm starving. I've had no lunch. I said why didn't you make anything. She said there's nothing I want. The cupboards and freezer are full. She gets cooked for every evening. I told her shecould have got something to eat, she said dont you understand I'm skint. She had paid for hotels, nails etc Friday night. She then started saying why don't you do a weekly shop like normal people and generally criticising and i just had had enough at this point. We had a row and she left. I just feel used and like nothing i do is enough but my little grandchild is caught in the middle, she wouldn't let me hold him before she went which is awful

She's an ungrateful madam. I bet her dad won't cook for her and carry out her every whim. Let her learn the hard way.

You spoilt her with the providing meals and free accommodation. Now she's thrown her toys out the pram. She needs to grow up, why can't she get her own place?

She sounds like a spoilt ungrateful toerag and she’ll use access to your grandchild against you.

She only gets maternity allowance at the moment as she changed jobs and couldn't get smp so she has about £650 a month to live on. It wouldn't have been viable on that to get her own place. Once she goes back to work she is planning to.

She can claim housing benefit.

Let her go - I suspect that her father won't be prepared to do a fraction of the things you do for your daughter and grandchild. If your ultimate aim is to get your daughter to grow up and actually parent her own child, then this is the time to get a bit tougher with her. Don't let her simply move back in a week or so when she realises that her life was easier when she was able to dump everything on you. Make her show she will both take her responsibilities seriously and treat you with respect.

She is going through a massive transition from entitled child to mother and she wants you to mother her, ie, do everything for her.

She has gone to her dad's and I'd be surprised if he indulges her by filling the cupboards with her favourite foods and accommodating all of her entitlement.

I would only agree to her moving back in if she were desperate and came and asked. Don't plead with her to move back in because you're worried about her. Let her go to her father's and I bet she is not a 'comfortable' (entitled) there as she was with you.

Well her dads going to get just as fed up. And probably much less likely to do might feeds!
So she’s not going to have much luck there

Don’t be a martyr don’t let her bully you. She needs to move out and grown up and then perhaps you might have a good relationship. At the moment she’s stuck at teenage age.
And I’m sure you love having your grandchild, but you need to have a proper grandparent/grandchild relationship

Wow - she seems to have an amazing social life for having a 10 week old!!! She needs to realise that she is now the grown up and a parent! Hopefully dad will also put her in her place!
When she comes back she needs to contribute to your household

She’s disrespectful and a bully and she’s ungrateful to boot! You deserve better. Stand up to her now or she will only get worse. Is her dad likely to do all of that stuff for her? Why are you paying for her nails? Stop doing all of that. She’s not 6 years old anymore. I suggest you book a counsellor ASAP to sort out why you have such a dysfunctional relationship. You aren’t doing her any favours by enabling her bad behaviour like that. She needs to start standing on her own two feet. Do not answer any of her messages or do anything for her. No babysitting. It will be hard but do not respond to any blackmail. She’s been abusive towards you and this has to stop.

Sounds like someone has a lot of growing up to do.

I agree with GloriousGoosebumps. It’s difficult for you, but be “unavailable” for the next few weeks. Change the locks. Let her see how much you do for her. She definitely won’t get that same level of help at her father’s.

Bloody hell. My teens wouldn't get away with that (they try) and they're much younger. It seems like she's been spoiled all her life. You've gone above and beyond and instead of appreciating it, she's behaving like a spoiled brat. If she were to love back in, you need to have some ground rules (including her contributing financially) and you need to stick to them. For her own sake, she has to grow up!

Sadly your daughter has taken your generosity and thrown it back in your face. She has become an entitled, spoilt and lazy woman who needs to learn that is not how life works. Prioritising her maternity allowance for things such as nights out, hotel stays and false nails and leaving not a single penny for things like food indicate she is extremely immature.

Not expecting an adult to contribute at all towards a household can often result in this spoilt behaviour. Even if you didn't wish to charge her nominal rent (which she can clearly afford if she can pay for hotels/nails etc) she should still be expected to contribute in other ways such as cooking meals or helping with housework at the very least. Not putting these expectations in place has made it easy for her to exploit your kindness and treat you like her skivvy. It is not ok at all and she needs to learn that her attitude stinks.

Has she always been so selfish and entitled?

I suspect she will use access to your grandchild as leverage to cow you into submission. The fact she wouldn't allow you to say goodbye or hold him before she left shows that she is capable of this. Please do not allow her to do this, her dreadful behaviour will continue if she is not challenged. Please don't beg for her to return as she will see this as a further opportunity to treat you like shit and she will never learn to be a responsible and respectful adult and parent.

I only hope that your DD's dad gives her the reality check that she clearly needs. I suspect he will not indulge her every whim and she will quickly realize how good she had it with you.

She is now a mother - her choice not yours. She has a 10 week old baby - why on earth are you minding it while she is out 3 mights in a row??????

None of the rest of us on here had a mother who helped like that and we managed to cope. Leave her at her dads, she needs you more than you need her, she will come around. But please leave her to stay at her dads - she is unhealthily dependent on you and you are co-dependent on her and the baby - you need to break this cycle.

I would let her go to be honest, she will soon be back. It is hard with a newborn, but it sounds like you are doing loads to support her and she can't really be arsed to do anything.

Thanks all, we have always had a difficult relationship. I go on holiday Monday and the timing is probably perfect. It will be a break that is definately needed. Her dad isn't as soft as me and will not do as much as we do here for her so it will be a good thing.

And was life like that for you with a 10 week old because I was walking round in a sleep deprived state stinking of baby sick not going out, going to weddings and getting my nails done. You obviously love your DGC but your DD needs to step up. Is she claiming child support from the father? You say that she changed jobs so didnt extra maternity pay. That's very irresponsible of her. You need to find the boundary between supporting her and parenting for her. Right now you're parenting for her.

She will soon be back. I can't see anyone else putting up with her behaviour, and her Father might soon be cheesed off with a baby disrupting his peace.
However, if she does want to return then i would be laying down some pretty firm ground rules before she gets over the threshold, and sticking to them.
Baby is 10 weeks old, there is absolutely no reason why she can't contribute towards domestic chores, even if its only prepping the veg for tea or putting a load of laundry on and pegging it out.
You need to be firm rather than enabling her selfish immature behaviour.

She is actually a very good mom. She just expects stuff and her attitude towards me is terrible. I remind her sometimes when shes being difficult that she isn't contributing to the house but she just goes mad and says Im throwing things in her face, that I count favours and if I can't do it out of love she doesn't want it. I just try to point out that I dont mind doing stuff but I dont expect to be treated and spoken to like a dogsbody

Lock your house up before you go away. Make sure she can’t get in. She needs to know that she doesn’t live there anymore and her child is not to be used to manipulate you.

Go away and enjoy your holiday. I hate to say this. But it seems very convenient timing from her point of view.
She can flounce it to dad and it’s all about how awful you are. By the time he’s worked out she’s being a selfish little shit you’ll be back from holiday and she can move back in and normal service resumes.

Be very wary of this move she will make...

OP please enjoy your holiday happy in the thought that you have helped (too much). My eldest who is 16 spoke to me in a very entitled way a few weeks ago. I'd put up with some shitty tone of voice for a few months because he was in the middle of exams but I let him have It with both barrels the other week. I wrote him a message and told him that as much as I love him, I will not be spoken to like that. He either pulls his weight, is respectful and grateful or he finds somewhere else to live. Since then he has been polite and asks nicely when he needs something

Brace yourself, she will very probably use your gc at leverage. I'm so sorry