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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pregnant- just found out husband cheated

26 replies

Priyamumtobe · 25/06/2019 05:14

Hi ladies

In a complete spot of lowness... I'm 7 months pregnant, a very much wanted baby after years of IVF, IUI etc.

I found a spare phone my husband has run using, he has been using cam girls, phone sex etc for the past year. He also admitted to having used prostitutes on a Lads holiday and trying to actively book them here aswell.

Being in my last stages of pregnany I am staying calm and relaxed for the baby, but a divorce is imminent and I'm absolutely petrified of raising this baby alone. I dont know what to do. Do I ask him to leave now? I'm already struggling to get things done and I need looking after (physically not financially).

OP posts:
thepinkp · 25/06/2019 05:18

Why do you need looking after? You need to pull up your big girl pants and sort it out. I mean that in the nicest possible way honestly I do!

Rtmhwales · 25/06/2019 05:30

Send him packing now, learn to adjust to doing everything solo.

For what it's worth, I ended up separating from my XH while pregnant and have done every single thing alone since before baby was born. I made it up to be a huge deal in my mind having the baby on my own and in the end, it's been much easier than anticipated. The panic and cold dread didn't materialize into anything I couldn't handle. You'll be fine.

CJsGoldfish · 25/06/2019 05:34

Is there a reason you need 'looking after'?

I think the best thing you can do is to tell him to leave and just get on with things. You don't want any confusion, having him stick around will make him think he has a chance to get back 'in'.
Unless you want that of course.
You'll be fine, better even, without him OP. Truly

Thatnameistaken · 25/06/2019 06:11

What other support do you have? Friends, parents, siblings etc. You and your baby will be ok.

Pinkmouse6 · 25/06/2019 11:45

Why do you need looking after? Unless you are suffering with HG or PGP, you are only pregnant and can definitely cope with this alone.

Sorry OP but your marriage is over, you need to be a bit ruthless and get rid of him ASAP.

womaninthedark · 25/06/2019 11:49

Send him away.

I am sorry you are in this position now. You and your baby will do fine, though, so look forward to having a happy life together.

I hope you have family or friends who can keep a caring eye on you, but whether you do or not, you will make it. Tell your medics so they are aware you might need some support.

SignedUpJust4This · 25/06/2019 11:50

I know you are scared OP but most men are fucking useless with babies anyway. Plenty of women manage on their own and you absolutely will.

Something happens when your baby is born. A fierce protective instinct and inner strength you didn't know you had will take over you. And you will have your wonderful, longed-for, baby to cuddle and that selfish dickhead has thrown all that away for a few ejaculations.

I know it seems impossible but you will be OK. Speak openly and honestly to your friends and family about your fears and what support you need. Your husband is scum but better to find out now than after sitting at home alone raising his child while he's out shagging for the next 20years.

Original poster
Priyamumtobe · 26/06/2019 05:42

Thank you ladies, ive just been unwell throughout my pregnancy and live far away from my family and friend circle.

He has to go, no doubt about it but I cant find the strength to cope on my own and the future just fills me with fear now :(

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 26/06/2019 06:02

Coping on your own is better than a sham marriage with a cheating bastard. Stop underestimating yourself.

Windmillwhirl · 26/06/2019 06:08

Fear is normal, don't mind that. Just remind yourself you will cope, you are smart and resourceful. You will be shocked at your own strength to get through this difficult time.

I for one thoroughly admire you for knowing your worth and not burying your head in the sand. You should be proud of yourself!! Wishing you the very best. X

QuilliamCakespeare · 26/06/2019 06:15

Your pregnancy hormones are probably playing a part in how you feel. It's natural to feel vulnerable and a bit unsure of yourself when you're growing a human. A monumental change is already taking place in your life; another one is bound to knock you for six.

However, you CAN do this alone. It won't be easy but motherhood isn't easy anyway. I have a wonderful, hands on DH but the majority of the night wake ups, all feeds (bf), meal cooking, doctors appointments etc etc for the children is done by me. When you feel a bit stronger, go to some antenatal classes or mum groups (I'm sure there are breastfeeding ones near us you can attend before baby is born) and make some friends. You'll need people with a child at the stage stage as you whether DH is around or not. If you're feeling a bit overwhelmed, why not find those friends now?

dragonway · 26/06/2019 06:16

How far away from friends and family do you live? Could you move back?

jackio2205 · 26/06/2019 06:16

Painful end or endless pain? Rip the band aid off hunny, get it over with so u can focus on u and baby without him flapping around annoying the hell out of you for every little thing.

If u can stay with family or they can stay with u when baby is here that'd be good! X

janetheimpaler · 26/06/2019 13:58

Just before the birth of your first born is a vulnerable time - you don't know what to expect from child birth etc. Your struggle to conceive will compound this, so be gentle with yourself, everything that you are feeling is natural.
I am sorry that your partner has let you down, perhaps this is his way of showing that your dream of a family is not his?
On a practical note, when the baby comes, you will be very busy, the child's needs will fill your day, you will have very little down time.
It might be practical to change lifestyles now, as afterwards you will be preoccupied with the practicalities of having a baby.
Being near family and friends is the ideal. Feel the fear and let it pass through you. Remember that you are about to meet one of the greatest loves of your life. When you look back at this time, the joy of your firstborn will be what you remember, the fear will have faded and you will be proud of yourself and how you managed.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/06/2019 15:27

Move back to your family and friends? You can't stay where you are; alone and scared.

Sorry he has done this to you. You really are better off without that scumbag. Please get tested for your sexual health too.

Ginlinessisnexttogodliness · 26/06/2019 15:34

Your baby will fill your life with joy, whereas this feckless piece of scum needs to be out of it as much as possible asap.

And you can do it.

I am very sorry you are going through such an awful time at what should be such a happy and exciting one but you will recover and you will be happy again. Make sure he is gone before your baby is born. Don’t let him contaminate the family you will now make for yourself and your child.

He doesn’t deserve any more of your time
He deserves to be seen for what he really is

BarbedBloom · 26/06/2019 16:30

If you can, I'd move back to your family now before the baby is born as he won't be able to do anything about it. You need love and support and will need it more than ever with a newborn. I am so sorry Flowers

RomanyQueen · 26/06/2019 16:32

Move to your family and friends for support, and don't put his name on the bc.

HollowTalk · 26/06/2019 16:34

Come on everyone - don't be so cruel. Of course she feels like she needs looking after. She's seven months pregnant and married to a complete prick.

OP, first of all decide where you want to live. Don't factor him in at all. If you'd like to live in your current town then I would kick him out. If you'd like to go home then I'd do that. Put yourself first.

Original poster
Priyamumtobe · 27/06/2019 09:40

Thank you everyone, I do want him to be part of the babies life actively. I would never want my child growing up without his dad. He has ruined our marriage and for that I'll leave him, but I could never stop him from being a dad.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/06/2019 09:47

Moving back to where your support network is doesn't mean he can't be involved. But it does mean that you'll be much happier (and as a result, so will your baby).

You can sort out access when baby arrives. But I really think you need to move before the birth, for peace of mind if nothing else.

glitterfarts · 27/06/2019 09:48

I also think you should call your parents and move back to where your family and friends are immediately.
He can stop you once the baby is here, but not now. He can still be involved, but newborns just need their mum really. At most with a newborn, he'd be seeing the baby an hour at a time.
You don't even sound angry, are you ok?

Moralitym1n1 · 27/06/2019 10:39

Can you move back to near your family, even just for your maternity leave?

Babies differ greatly in how good or bad they are sleep wise, colic wise etc. but being near any possible help would be v important esp in the earliest newborn stage.

Moralitym1n1 · 27/06/2019 10:40

Oh and your husband is a fucked up degenerate. Good thing you found out now and not two or three kids down the line.

Musti · 27/06/2019 12:32

What a vile man. I agree with everyone regarding moving to where your support network is. You have no guarantee that the low life will be a good and hands on dad so at least if you're not living there when you have the baby, he won't force you to love there. He's caused this so if he wants ho be part of your baby's life he can move near you. Cheating sleazeballs like that are generally too selfish and egotistical to make good fathers.