Just how bad is this?

[CallieOMalley]

My husband and I haven’t had sex in about six months.

Before that, maybe once in a three month period?

We have two small children. Tough jobs. We are tired and our lives seem chaotic. We don’t go to bed together. I stay up late and he’s usually asleep when I go up.

I dunno. I’m not feeling very interested in it. He doesn’t seem to be either. He says he’s not worried, thinks it’s probably fairly normal at our stage. I don’t know.

I have no reason to believe he has someone else. I certainly don’t. I’m just not interested.

I have experienced this, young children are hard work and we both prioritised sleep over anything else!

I wouldnt worry

Exactly the same situation here. I think we've lost the spark. Just too tired, busy, focused on kids, house, etc....

I think relationships go through cycles. If he's not worried and you are not, then go with the flow.

I think 6 months is probably a bit unusual even with small children but if you are both happy then surely there is no problem? It’s not like you get a badge for regular shagging

I think it's normal, but not ideal iyswim?

I don’t think it’s that unusual especially with young DCs and working. It’s only a problem if it bothers you. You say things are chaotic. If something has to give it’s probably sex. As long as you are still kind to each other

Yeah I mean we get on well. We don’t argue much. Maybe the odd bicker but nothing serious. There just doesn’t seem to be much there any more in terms of a spark. I think I’m worried the attraction has just gone.

I agree with those saying this is quite a normal situation at your stage of life.
It will all fall back into place eventually.

Is there a park anywhere at the moment? I mean do you look at other men and think phwoar? Because there's a difference between too tired to shag and I don't fancy my husband any more.

No. I feel nothing. I feel like a fat mumsy old frump if anything.

All marriages go through ups and downs but it is important to be affectionate, even if you don't want sex couldn't you go up to bed with him sometimes for a kiss and cuddle, if you really cannot sleep you can always get up again...or maybe it will lead to the most fantastic shag!

I think 6 months is quite a long time but if neither of you are bothered and still want to be together it's fine. DH and I average once a week or sometimes fortnight but I've just concluded that we both have lowish drives and busy lives and are very happy together.

Why do you stay up late? Is it because you’re not ready to sleep, or is it because you’re worried he will want sex? If it’s the later, can you both talk and agree that you can talk and cuddle, but no sex? I know it sounds corny, but can you have a date night, once a month? Nothing too stressful, just a Pizza Hut, Nando’s style place, so you don’t end up stressing about your appearance.

As long as you are both ok with it then who cares what anyone else thinks!

feel like a fat mumsy old frump if anything.

Alright then you need to do some caring for yourself.

I think I stay up late because I am either mummy to a four year old and two year old, or I am working to try and stay on top, and sometimes at night I just need a couple of hours of peace. To watch tv. To read my phone. I don’t want to just be at the grindstone then go straight to sleep. And I know this means I don’t get enough sleep etc but I need this time.

No he wouldn’t pester for sex. He’s not that type. He kind of says “I do want it but just when you’re ready” but I’m not convinced. I don’t think he wants it either and he’s hiding behind the fact that I don’t, if that makes sense.

Can you two get some alone time for a date night? Something you can dress up for, eat, drink, laugh together - whatever you fancy really?

I don’t want to just be at the grindstone then go straight to sleep. And I know this means I don’t get enough sleep etc but I need this time.

I can completely relate to that, though my day is busy in a different way. Are finances too tight for you to get some daycare for your children, or a part time sitter? Is there any way you can have a day or two a week, letting someone else look after your children so you can slob about in your pjs and eat cake? Just something for YOU. Hopefully you can even factor in one day at the weekend when you DH and you can relax together. Your children will also benefit from better rested, more relaxed parents.

If you’re both genuinely on the same page about it that’s fine.

We are at a similar stage, 3dc very tiring and we’re very busy.
But if we go for more than 1-2 weeks without, then it starts to feel weird to me and we lose some feeling of intimacy.
I could do without sex for months really but it does make us feel closer and DH starts getting twitchy after about 5 days!

So what you’re experiencing is not normal for us but might be for you.
Depends what you are both like.

I would have thought that quite a few men (and women) would find 6 months a long time without any action, whereas maybe for some it would be ok.

They go to nursery three days per week while I work. The issue I have is that my job is horrific and doesn’t really lend itself to part time working which basically means constant stress and anxiety and a lot of working when the kids go to bed. But it’s only while they’re wee. I’ll be able to increase my hours when they’re bigger.

I was thinking about taking a day of annual leave soon while they’re in nursery. I feel like I need a mental health day.

If your job is horrific, is there any way you can change jobs? Even if it means you have to tighten your belts, it will be worth it if you’re happier in work. That will make you happier at home.

OP, I had a stressful job as a hospital doctor, but having a happy (and frequent!) sex life with DH was a great stress reliever. And when coping with a baby, a toddler AND my job, it was essential. I’d be concerned that you’re losing closeness, intimacy and affection along with the sex. I’m not suggesting swinging from the chandeliers on a twice nightly basis, but lots of cuddles in bed might help to rekindle things. I think it’s a “use it or lose it” situation. Sex often reflects the state of a couple’s relationship in general.

Yeah. Well this is my concern. But I don’t find sex a stress reliever if I’m honest. I lack the confidence

And yeah I’ve thought about changing jobs. My husband isn’t keen. He doesn’t want me to take a pay cut. He stresses about money. Wants to move house etc.

There are bigger issues at play I suppose.

Op l think you both need an overhaul of your whole living situation, sex is just a symptom.
You hate your job and it is making you miserable, you have to make DH understand that needs to change, start looking for a better option, but really explain to him how it makes you feel.
Do a budget together and make a list of agreed financial priorities, ie change of job, reasses finances, move house...etc really discuss it together.
Think about the life you want, now you have 2 young children, ask DH to do the same, then get together and discuss which
parts you can implement soon, and which goals you can plan for.

You sound disillusioned, and fed up, take control back.