Feeling shit after being in the company of my parents

[Lucilolee]

If it wasn't for the fact that my parents seemingly "adore" my children, I don't think I would have a relationship with them.

I often feel utterly crap after being around them. They are both extremely self absorbed people who have lots of dramas going on, leaving them unable to ever help out with looking after their grandchildren (I mean ever, not that I would trust them anyway.)

DH continues to draw comparisons between them and his (too helpful) parents. They literally live to help us and take care of our kids, which is great but a little over-bearing at times too. DH is constantly "in shock" at my parents, but I have come to expect nothing of them.

This aside, it's very difficult not to feel utterly disappointed in them.

Today, my Dad took me and the DCs (very young) to a cafe for lunch as a rare treat. I had to juggle eating my own meal, feeding the baby, entertaining older DC and complaining to staff when our meal order had been forgotten about and my Dad was in a rage about it.

After the meals arrived, Dad ate his while I juggled everything else and before I could finish my meal, got up, paid and said he had somewhere else to be leaving me with the kids, meals to eat and the mess.

He would never get that this isn't really acceptable Dad behaviour at all.

He hardly communicates with the DCs, or if only on his terms, but will call me lost evenings to gush about how much he loves his grandchildren and how proud of them he is. Oldest DC seems confused by him and just looks forward to her monthly pocket money. My Dad barely knows them as he sees them for 1 hour fortnightly maximum.

I accept that he is very disconnected from us on so many levels, but it doesn't make it hurt less.

My mother is very unreliable and absorbed by her own dramas. My grand-father (her father) actually became my "parent" as a child and rescued me from all the emotional consequences of their behaviour and became my practical support too. However, he died a couple of years ago. I've felt like an orphan since!

I don't want to fall out with my parents, but I can't help but feel sad and disappointed about the lack of love and value they bring to my life. DH has trouble connecting emotionally too (suspected ASD) so I feel very much alone in the world really.

How would you navigate these relationships in adulthood? I feel I'm pining deep down for "proper parents." And they will never be.

So your Dad took you out for lunch and paid for you all?
He sees them once a fortnight? Gives them pocket money?

The part about him being in a rage is not good obviously, and must have been very difficult for you.

Is it more about how he makes you feel? Because apart from the rage and not helping with your children in the cafe, all that sounds okay, but I do understand it can be hard to explain feelings and family dynamics.

I am sorry to hear you feel alone . Please keep posting. There are lots of people who may relate. There is a long-running thread called Stately Homes about parental relationships.

I get they are different to his family, but is it at all possible your DH is trying to run them down to make his family the preferred one?

I can see similarities between your relationship with your parents and my wife’s with hers.

They too are there physically, but then they’re not at all emotionally. It’s on their terms or not at all and frankly it’s pretty cruel.

They tell my wife what they are doing with the children, rather than discuss it with her. They also
Promote their involvement with our children to the wider family and make out that they’re always doing things with them. In reality, our children don’t spend any quality time with them and never stay over. A trip to the supermarket over the park is the norm.

They too have plenty of dramas in the family and there’s always some bad feeling being directed at someone or something. The reality is that they’ve been massively lucky and have had considerable fortunes passed to them early in life from a wealthy relative. They’ve paid little of this forward to my wife and continue to spend through it on largely pointless items.

The issue we have is that none of it can be challenged as there aren’t really any tangible markers. It’s all just a series of fairly irrational behaviour underpinned by the facilitation they offer each other.

That probably hasn’t helped but I do understand what you feel like. It’s a difficult place to be. Try and lower your expectations of them a little is the only advice I can offer.

I'm so sorry.

I have self-absorbed parents as well. One very abusive with a personality disorder and the other an alcoholic who doesn't do recovery and only cares about where his next drink's coming from. I cut contact years ago and my life is better.

Not suggesting that as a solution for you but just to say, I understand the pain of having disappointing parents. It sucks. It DOES make you feel alone in the world.

I know what you mean.
You’re right that they’re not really parents.

I had a similar situation with my parents whilst they were alive. I was long-term NC with my father and low-is C with my mum. Long back story as to how that came about. I felt that yearning for proper parents.

But in my early thirties I realised that the only person hurting as a result of that yearning was me (well, it transpired my mum was hurting as a result of it too, but more of that later).

So I decided to change my attitudes/orientation/expectation towards them and see what transpired. Basically, have some contact, take them as they were, see what transpired and see if I wanted them in my life as individual people not parents IYSWIM.

My dad turned out to be a lying, selfish, narcissistic bastard with no empathy or sympathy for anyone but himself. No insight into the harm he had caused, felt no need to change. Had left a trail of destruction in his wake throughout his life without a thought. No that went back to NC pretty quickly.

My mum was different. She knew she had failed me as a parent at times. She apologised for it just before she died, but during her life after I changed toward her and let her in a bit more she just set about making up for it as best she could. She did this at great personal sacrafice- to the point if I’d known the extent of it I would have stopped her doing it to that extent.

I realised that my mum failed me mostly when she was under pretty intolerable pressures. And actually a lot of those pressures were a result of my dad’s actions. In doing what she could to minimise the harm those caused me (she left him when he was abusive to her), she faced other things which pretty much overwhelmed her at times. Some of the things that went wrong between us were her fault or her choices, but a lot of them weren’t.

She also had some insight into herself and wanted to change. I fully believe that if she had been born later, with proper access to information and help (via the internet for example), she would have sought it out, taken help, made changes, made herself a better person. She tried a lot with what was available to her at the time. It just didn’t quite work out for her. But also, if she hadn’t;t tried, things could have been a lot worse for me.

And I properly connected with some aspects of her that made me want her in my life as a person. She was funny, generous, loving, fiercely loyal, incredibly artistically talented, beautiful, compassionate, clever, stylish and insightful. She was definitely a person who brought a lot of unusual and enriching sides of life into my world.

So I started calling her M- it was her first initial as well as the first letter of Mother. It recognized her as a person, not just a role and also took account of the fact that she was a lot of things a mother should be, even if they weren’t quite the full package. We connected as two people, not as mother and daughter. She became my friend, guide, advisor and supporter. I was similar for her.

We loved one another a lot and spent a lot of time together after that. And I am so, so grateful we weathered our storms and found that. For it was one of the most meaningful and transformative relationships of my life. It still had it’s faults and problems, but it was one of the most beautiful things I have ever and will ever experience.

Lucilolee

Am sorry to read that your own grandfather died some time ago; having him in your life did indeed benefit you as he was a more stable influence on and in your life. You have not fallen out with them, its just that you are finally realising what they are like as people and you are finding them wanting with regards to your children and you.

Such parents bring with them their own lot of damage to their now adult children, its not your fault they are like this and you did not make them that way.

What are your own boundaries like with regards to your parents (and your inlaws for that matter). I ask as they seem very low and you perhaps as an adult are still wanting their approval, approval which they will never give you. Overbearing people like your inlaws are not helpful and you seem to have no real voice or much of one when it comes to them either.

Your children do not have a relationship with your parents, its all for show and is style over substance. Your dad is merely being a Disney style grandparent here and is doing this to make his own self look and feel good in front of others. Its no surprise at all to read that your eldest is confused by her grandad's behaviours and sees him merely as a source of pocket money.

If parents/relations are too toxic/difficult for you to deal with, its the same deal for your children as well. Would suggest you post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages and read "Children of the Self Absorbed" by Nina W Brown.

I came to terms with who they were some time ago on the whole (although natural disappointment still arises from time to time).

DH doesn't help with his constant comparisons to his own parents and consequent expectations of my parents in relation to that. He is yet to alter his expectations of them and will put me in positions where he expects me to rely on them for support as he does his own parents.
For example, when DM comes to visit, he just assumes she will want to do the DCs bedtimes etc, so he will plan to do jobs and then when DM leaves, I'm lumbered with bath time and bed time having been entertaining DM and the DCs all day.

His own parents seem to do an awful lot when they are around and he expects the same of mine, which ultimately just pressures me.

*meant to say he will plan to do jobs or hobbies

Same here OP. My parents insist on inviting us on holiday with them but then spend the entire holiday ignoring their grandchildren while we try desperately to keep them entertained in what can only be described as a pensioner village.

When they visit (4x a year) they pat them on the head, give them a present and then they want to read their newspaper in silence while I run around doing everything.

Their only involvement is to tut once in a while at my parenting style whenever a child gets too noisy. Or roll their eyes when they see me 'spoiling' my baby by feeding and cuddling her on demand. However baf I have it my sister has it far worse. She lives much closer to them and they are even less involved with her child.

I've stopped making any effort with them. I don't make a fuss about their visits either because it's not worth getting the kids hyped up for.

I too have very involved in laws though and although I initially thought they were a tad overbearing I've come to realise they just love my kids so much and that's a wonderful thing to have. So I now put all my energy into that side of the family.

It sounds like you've never really been able to rely on your mother and yet somehow you've done pretty good on your own. She won't change now. Make your peace with it and move on.

I would point out to your partner how lucky he is to have such involved parents and its not your fault your parents are crap and if he cared about you he'd stop reminding you of that fact.

I'm so sorry for you. It's awful when parents are such a disappointment. I don't think there is much you can do but keep the lines of communication open, you never know how things will pan out in the future.

Lucilolee, do speak to your husband and explain how awful it makes you feel when he compares your parents to his. I'm sure he means no harm but it isn't helpful - you know already - and you find it hurtful. Tell him all that, he will take it on board.

I think alot of parents end up quite self absorbed and selfish in a way as they feel like 'they have done their job as parent's' I always see really close mothers and daughters who are literally like best friends and wish my relationship with my mum was the same but...it is what it is and will hopefully make you much closer and helpful to your own children when they are older! also if you've been blessed with amazing grandparents yourself then you want the same amazing grandparents for your own children but some shoes are just too big to fill! x

I completely understand what you're saying @lovebeingmum9, I pine for the close relationship that I see others having too.

My mum has lost all empathy since starting the menopause. Not just with me. With everyone. She's extremely cold and never used to be. She has lost friends, stopped speaking to family members and doesn't seem to make an effort with anyone she doesn't already "know" treats them very icily infact.