HELP! Pregnant and separated from compulsive liar

[lilredrooster]

Hi,
This is my first post. I am alone and full of self doubt, and really need some perspective on things, and maybe some support along the way.

I've been with my partner for 10 years, engaged for 9. We have on child at school and our second on the way. We separated last Autumn, it was sudden and not as planned as I asked for, but I've been managing well against all the odds since.
Things have been up and down between us- he has invited himself back into our home and lives several times since (hence baby number two) but disappeared again as soon as I questioned his behaviour or tried to discuss the future. This is tremendously hurtful, scary and disruptive, yet I seem to have an infinite capacity to forgive him, start again and even blame myself for what he does.

He has lied to me since our first date, about all sorts of things, big and small, sometimes on a daily basis. We had years of counselling, which helped me get stronger and more independence, but the lying just got worse. Prior to our separation he had just lost his second well-paid, comfy job in a year for gross misconduct (faking his working hours, stealing computers to clock in/out as he pleased, coercing colleagues to lie for him...and not being there). Soon after that, I bought my first car, and had to cancel my insurance when they informed me he had made 3 claims for car accidents in 1 year (hi fault), which I had no idea about.

For him it's a family culture- his parents, siblings and friends usually cover for him, which is kind of terrifying for me. He also became extremely anxious and absent minded all the time, so I feel more like his therapist or carer, and lived on edge about what he'd do next, and wet the bed nightly with sweat or unrine, which he generally refused to acknowledge, but left me desperate.

Over the years, I have discovered tens of thousands of pounds of debts, insurances cancelled, masturbation to porn at work, unexplained cash withdrawals, secret correspondence with my family and friends, dangerous car maintenance, bullying our child, fictitious life stories and small, every day lies that leave me tired, crushed and frightened.
He always blames me. Often I give in and try to adjust my behaviour to suit him, but it never works.

I know I'm not perfect. I say terrible things and I can be critical. But I went through a crazy physically abusive relationship prior to this one and blamed myself for that too, until the police referred me for specialist counselling. Now I feel I'm stuck in another coersive web, where his mother too is pressurising me to 'accept who he is' and that he is like this because I somehow deserve it, but neither of them show any concern for our children or me.

I am so, so alone. I have no family or friends- they are all taken in by him, and he's been manipulating them against me for years. I used to have such a sociable, exciting life before I moved away to be with him, and I'm trying to rebuild my support network slowly, but I'm scared that everyone else is right and I'm the one in the wrong, and not a nice person...or why would they cut me and our babies off like this?

After a few weeks of seeming completely changed and asking me to move to the other end of the country for a fresh start (away from his family, he said), it turned out he was still living paralell lives. He left and we haven't seen him for over a month, despite anniversaries and his 40th birthday. Me and our little one manage okay (I work full time in healthcare and do massive school runs). Yet he sends one text, not even apologising, and I'm smitten again- only to screw me/us over again within days and ignore all communication. Why am I like this?! I need to gain control of my emotions and have now blocked him, but I need more back up! Or maybe I'm being unfair? Maybe I don't understand men?

I'm sorry this doesn't make much sense. But if anyone has chance to talk I'd be grateful for your time

I don't think you love him or want him, who would? It is scary to be on your own & rebuild your life so you go back to him & his lies hoping it will change.
It won't, you gotta face up to the fact it's time to rebuild your life on your own away from him. You can do it & you will be so much happier when you do.

You need the Freedom programme. He is emotionally and financially abusive as a minimum. All he will ever do is hurt you and your child

You need more counselling/therapy and you need to do the Freedom Programme.

If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your children. They need stability. They don't need to grow up witnessing their father treating their mother like shit and their mother accepting it. They need to learn about self-respect and healthy relationships. They won't learn any of that from him; they'll learn the opposite.

Thank you everyone.

I hadn't heard of Freedom Programme but will look it up. I was seeing Relate alone prior to separation until Christmas, then decided I may as well spend the money on something that builds my confidence (singing lessons & gym!). I emailed a local domestic abuse counselling service today. Thank you so much for the suggestion.

I'm not sure it's a question of love anymore Surfingtheweb. I know I am better off without his behaviour, and I come from two generations of strong single mums (widowed and divorced) so probably have more issues tolerating crap treatment, and maybe sharing control, than I should do? I'm hardwired to believe one decent parent is better than two dysfunctional ones.

I am excited by the life I could have without him, which seems far less a fairytale than a secure one with him, where we move away and he finds his self-esteem... But I am scared of the games he plays, and being worn down and trapped once my baby is born, and my eagerness to give him chances to change. I'm sorry if this seems contradictory.

I guess, if I'm honest, I still can't seem to convince myself he is abusing me, or that I'm not abusing him! I'm embarassed to talk about it because I feel so stupid and pathetic.

Lil your ex is abusive and a narcissist. They thrive on convincing you that you are the abusive one or the one who is causing problems, which is gaslighting (refusing to acknowledge your reality and replace it with his). His only goal is power and control over you.

1. He is a compulsive liar. Narcissists lie about everything. You know they are lying if their mouths are moving.

1. He is irresponsible and entitled. Unable to hold down a job, gross misconduct at work, racking up huge debts to fund his lifestyle, wont participate in family life and being a responsible parent.

1. He has used smear campaigns (telling other people how horrible you are) to isolate you so that he can continue to abuse you unchecked.

1. Stonewalling. He checks out of the relationship when you dont go along with his abuse. I'm sorry to say but he is very likely cheating on you or with another women when he does this. Narcissists thrive on narcissistic supply so they cannot stay single for long. I bet the times he comes back to you are when he lost the other supply.

Do you find that he will never accept responsibility for what he has done? Does he become angry if you raise an issue with him and he refuses to apologise and turns the argument back onto your 'flaws'? Do you feel like you are walking on eggshells, waiting for him to kick off about something? Do you feel like he lacks empathy for you? Does he put you down constantly by either snide remarks, outright name calling or comments disguised as jokes?

I would take the time to read up on narcissistic abuse and learn the signs so that you can have the tools to not only heal, but to not react to his abuse.

I have been where you are, pregnant with small DC, hardly any support and married to an abusive bastard.

The best thing I ever did was cut him out of our lives. He was a terrible father, completely self absorbed and abusive to my DC also (it took many years for me to find this out though).

Men like this are incapable of change and they only ever get worse. He is incapable of love, lacks any empathy for anyone (including your DC) and will only ever try to take from you. The sooner you come to terms with this, the sooner you will be able to detach emotionally from him and stop allowing him to control your life.

Is there any way you could relocate to be closer to family or another support network? Dont fall into the trap of thinking you are taking the DC away from him. He doesnt deserve to have any of you and is offering nothing to your lives. You need to look after yourself first and foremost to be able to be there emotionally for your children.

If you allow this situation to continue, you are enabling his abuse and I can tell you from first hand experience that this is so damaging for a child to witness.

I promise you it is him and not you, one day you will be disgusted by this man for what he has done.

If you are not convinced about him being a narc, please watch these videos and see how similar your ex is

Thank you Jaffa. I have read all about narcissists, and I'm inclined to agree with all you said- I just so need to hear it from someone else.

I have had to plan for separation for years and am thankfully in a position to cope financially and practically at least...for now. I am planning to move away and he knows this- probably why he jumped on board and pretending to want to make things work a few weeks ago. I don't have any family since my mother passed away...I have siblings but unfortunately they are all certifiable narcissists too, hence we are estranged (probably the best thing to happen to me). I am stronger without them, but know I must have those traits too- nothing is black and white.

I have been through this in most of my longterm relationships, which also give me the fear I'll just end up with another abuser...or alone and bitter like my mum sadly was. I'm hopeful there is something in between and I'm not really afraid of being alone...

I think you may be right about him seeing someone else. It seems obvious now when I thought it impossible months ago. I always thought I'd be able to tell, and he always tells me that I'm "looking for faults" in him, but I think there is more to it than I know.

I am not enabling his abuse. It never goes unchallenged, and I will protect our children fiercely. He isn't volatile, or outwardly critical (I am), but he is cold, changeable, and always blameful of me. He oversteps any boundary I put in place, and ignores me or throw things back at me if I try to talk about how I feel.

I know what I'm aiming for, and that he's unlikely to change. I need to get through this. I just always find it hard to navigate a break up, and now I'm more vulnerable than ever. For instance, today I have morning sickness, and my child and I both have a nasty cold. I don't get paid when I'm off sick, and all I want is someone to talk to, cook macaroni, play with little one, or give us a cuddle. I know it's not him, and I'm getting better at refusing his/his family's 'help' (which always costs me dearly)...but there isn't anyone else.

I guess my problem is, my mum was a narcissist, or at least had personality disorder, and I think I maybe do too. I was thrown out of the house as a child, and made to apologise and accept responsibility for awful, awful things in order to be let back in the house. Apparently I have PTSD.
I'm still learning that what lies beyond 'home' may not have been the worst option after all, but it means learning a whole new way of thinking and behaving. I've been working on it for years and I'm not there yet.

Bloody hell. Why do you dislike yourself this much? Don't you think you (& DC) deserve better?

my mum was a narcissist, or at least had personality disorder, and I think I maybe do too. I was thrown out of the house as a child, and made to apologise and accept responsibility for awful, awful things in order to be let back in the house. Apparently I have PTSD.

Ah. You need serious long term therapy of that's what's underlying it all. Not couples counselling.

Definitely get some therapy to due with all the trauma you've been through.

Maybe you can find a single mum to share a place with.

Some reading for you:
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft

While you are susceptible to his ‘charms’ you need to put as much distance between you and him as possible. This is no life for your children and you have to start prioritising their emotional well-being above this man.

You know exactly what you should do but obviously need support in doing it, so go and get this support. Your weakness for this man has nothing to do with him or whatever super power you think he has. Your weakness for him exposes something about yourself/ past/ that needs addressing.

Thank you @Agent Johnson, I understand all that - can you give me any pointers on where to find support? That's kind of why I'm on here.
-----
I really appreciate all the suggestions so far, and of course my own therapeutic journey continues.

I understand the need for distance, both emotionally and geographically, but can anyone share their advice or experiences on managing this for the benefit of our children? I don't want to be dragged back into anything with him, but that includes being embroiled with him in battles over the house or custody, just to satisfy his need for control.
I'm hoping it won't come to that, but one of his best friends is currently in the process of trying to destroy his ex-wife and kids' lives through the courts, and I don't really know what mine is capable of- especially once he finds himself other allies and sexual interests.

How does one communicate with someone like that, constructively? I have reduced our communication to mostly in writing, to avoid becoming too emotional or giving him ammunition, but now he's telling everyone I'm stopping him seeing our child and that's not the case. He refuses to acknowledge the baby as yet (told me previously he would want me to have an abortion if 'I' were to get pregnant), but I am overjoyed by my little miracle, and semi-confident about going it alone. He never instigates any contact with little one- only on two occasions he asked to have him for the day, but he asks out of the blue the night before, when we've inevitably made other plans. I buckled on father's day and invited him for a day out, and despite speaking to him in the morning, he just didn't turn up...I was heartbroken for little one and can't bear to put them through that again.

He was doing school runs until a month ago, which I 'booked' via a shared calendar app (to avoid him saying I hadn't told him when to come), but he turned up late every morning so the school threatened to inform social services! He also 'forgot' to collect little one twice, and even asked another parent, a relative stranger to take them home with them, because he ran out of petrol, again (and didn't tell me any of it).

He was 'babysitting' in the evenings on request, so I could attend writing groups, etc, but he would always outstay his welcome and/or do weird erratic things, and lie constantly. He refuses to respect any routines or boundaries so it became too disruptive and upsetting for little one. So now it's really hard to get out and make friends, though I'm gradually drawing on connections with people I haven't seen since little one was born.

He supports us very well financially...for the moment, month by month, which I am thankful for, but I'm scared something's going to backfire- he has got himself into at least £30k of debt since we separated, working "freelance" (i.e less traceable income) and I'm wondering if he is deliberately trying to bankrupt himself. He has said I can have his share of our property, which seems too good to be true, and a bit crazy...I have a hunch that if I tried to hold him to it, he will take it all back, and will likely ignore any agreement anyway. What's the best way to handle this? Where do I get cheap/free advice? I've tried CAB but they are always busy/closed when I'm not working, and haven't replied to my emails.

Argh, sorry for ranting! I appreciate all the practical advice people can offer, and thank you for reading.

I really feel for you OP because your story is so similar to mine. I highly doubt you are a narc OP. You sound more like a codependent in distress (even we can be pushed to our limits and lash out) and plus you have way too much insight into yourself to be one. Narcissism is a scale, with codependency at the opposite end but both are unhealthy. You have been made to feel like a narcissistic for trying to assert yourself which is why you feel this way but the truth is you are supposed to have boundaries and stand up for yourself. Your childhood has likely brainwashed you into thinking you are selfish for having any thoughts of self love and value, therefore you constantly seek validation from other people rather than being able to give it to yourself.

I know it can be extremely scary and lonely to be a lone parent, but your children are all you need for unconditional love. I wish I had realised that sooner and not spent my 20's trying to chase the 'perfect relationship' and not be alone. If you dont heal from your codependency then you will likely be targeted repeatedly by narcs (it's like they can sniff out vulnerability). Your codependency is telling you you need to be in a relationship to be 'worthy' and therefore you are seeking out validation from men when you really need to learn how to give that to yourself.

I was targeted by narcs 3 times in a row before I finally decided to try and heal from growing up with a narcissistic father and a subsequently highly abusive marraige. It is painful facing this but it is the only way to heal.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad for being an enabler (I was once one too) but it's something you have to accept if you continue in this destructive pattern of abusive relationships. I know you love your children and it's a tough pill to swallow but you have to take responsibility in deciding to go back to abuse because no matter how much you try and shield them from it, they will still be emotionally damaged from witnessing it, even if he never lays a finger on you.

I'm sorry you don't have much of a support network right now but you really can decide to start afresh, away from this man and build your life and support network back up again.

Have you told your employer what is happening. I work in the NHS and they have been really supportive when I was going through a DV situation. They should have a DV policy which allows more leniency for time off sick and to find accommodation etc.

Please stay strong OP, this is only your situation right now, but it is within your power to change it. You just have to be brave and take that first step

OP, you could check out this helpline which offers free legal advice to women

rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/

Visit your local womens centre, they usually have a legal advice drop in service who could help you establish what you need to do in terms of the house, child maintenance and child contact arrangements.

It is not your responsibility to ensure he has contact with his child. The first thing I would do is try and establish a strict contact schedule and stick to it. Narcissists will always take the piss so you have to be firm. Dont let him come into the house and dont spend days out with him. If he is anything like my ex, he will just use visitation with your child to continue the abuse towards you. If hes not happy, let him take you to court for access and say you dont want mediation because of previous emotional abuse.

Document everything in as much detail as you can. Save texts, emails, voicemails, times hes late or doesnt show up for contact, missed payment. Narcissists will pull out all the stops at court so try and stay one step ahead.

The most important thing I did was stop expecting anything from my ex and emotionally detaching from him which meant I was no longer under his control. Stop expecting him to change, to be a good father, to show up on time, to give you any sort of childcare, child maintenance, to be a support or care about how hard things are for you or your DC. Dont give him any of your emotions whatsoever, good or bad.

There is a method called 'grey rock' where you can learn to detach and not respond to him with emotion.

Remember that every word that he says is just a way to get you to do what he wants. Dont listen to his insults, criticisms or even his sob stories. Its ALL lies and you know the truth. You are worth being treated with dignity and respect as a bare minimum and he is incapable of doing this.

Look up Lisa Romano and codependency on youtube. She has some excellent videos on healing and some guided meditations.

It's really important to not let him stress you out as you are pregnant and dont want the baby to be exposed to all of those stress hormones. You really do need to take care of yourself right now more than ever. Make time for one thing everyday that makes you feel good. Even if it's a bath after putting your DC to bed. Treat it as a priority in your life.

Imagine what a peaceful and loving home you and your DC will have without this horrible emotional vampire destroying it.

rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/

link fail