Soon after separation, can this be real and last?

[LizTheSwe]

Hi all, regular poster on this board but NCed as this is potentially outing and I am terrified of being identified from people IRL.

Long story short, I am 45, married for 15 years, 3 DC and split up with STBXH 6 months ago. Amicable split, mutually agreed and we function well as co-parents now. Marriage had been dead for a few years and we basically existed as housemates. STBXH moved out 2 months ago, DC seem to be adjusting well so far.

Shortly after agreeing to split with STBXH, I went out with friends and stumbled into this man whom I had been vaguely knowing as an acquaintance for a few years. We started chatting, and by the end of the night it was pretty obvious that there was a spark. So we started chatting, then going out, then properly dating. We have now been seeing each other for 5 months and we are both absolutely smitten with each other. He is 5 years younger than me and has no DC through choice.

We make each other so so happy and we have been open about our mutual feelings with each other. We see each other two/three nights a week when I don’t have the DC and keep in touch every day through calls and Whatsapp. We are planning a weekend away for October, assuming all is well with the DC. After being in a dead relationship for so long, this new relationship makes me feel so alive, wanted, attractive and cherished.

My question is: can this work or am I deluding myself that this can become a proper long-term relationship? I read everywhere that soon after separation I am supposed to be on my own because I am on the rebound and that I can’t trust my feelings to last. However, this feels so good, and so real, and so right!! New man has mentioned that he is a bit concerned that we met so soon after my separation, but he is optimistic that in spite of the timing this will work.

I haven’t told my DC I am seeing someone and I am not planning to do it so soon after the split with STXH. If the relationship is still going strong by this time next year, I will consider introducing him to my DC (after checking with STBXH, whom I haven't told about my new relationship yet either).

What do you think mumsnetters, am I totally crazy and on the rebound? Or can this be real and last?

Anyone..? Hopeful bump!

I met dp 10 days after I ended my marriage. We didnt start dating for 6 weeks.

I have 2 kids. He has none. Him 41, me 36

He is sat next to me on my sofa enjoying a day off together. We have been together for 2 years.

Dont live together. We want to wait until the kids are older as their dad is a prick and they have been through alot.

He lives a 5 minute walk away though.

It's great.

I'm in a very simular situation, except my ex hasn't moved out yet (is very soon).

I don't care about rebound or what other people think, me and new man both know what we feel and I am loving every single second of it. We also think it's for the long haul. In an ideal world, it wouldn't havr happened exactly when it did, but it did and I don't regret it and neither of us wanted to wait around.

Just enjoy it OP and don't worry about any 'official rules'. Go with how you feel instead

I met DH about 3 months after he left a long term relationship. 10 years and 2 dc later we are very happy.

Timing is subjective. It's up to you what you are ready for.

Enjoy it! Men do this all the time after a break up, I don't see why a woman shouldn't. You've probably been ready emotionally for a new relationship for a long time.

Who knows? It may, it may not. Enjoy it, enjoy the sex and the dating and having fun together. Don't rush into domesticity or introducing the dc.

Why has he chosen not to have children? Does he want to be a step parent?

You've got your head screwed on (waiting until a year a half into the relationship before considering mentioning him to kids) and it sounds like you have the co-parenting sorted out, so why not?

Keep your head screwed on. Don't ignore red flags but don't "I couldn't possibly be this lucky" isn't a red flag in itself!

It can

Any relationship has risks

If you emotionally separated from your ex a long time before your physical split you are not on the rebound in the same way as if it was an unwelcome surprise for you.

Sometimes it can be better because you don't get into the habit of being alone.

As long as the new feel good chemicals aren't masking anything you need to work through I suppose. Everything is hearts and flowers at the start isn't it.

Also, there's more to life and relationships than whether it lasts. Longevity isn't the only thing that matters. There's a lot to be said for something that gives you joy, that is fun, that gives you a boost, even if it doesn't turn into something lifelong.

There's a lot to be said for sailing your own ship, don't be in a hurry to nail things down.

What category12 said (twice!). Why worry if it will last? Enjoy the moment, the sex, the dating, the thrill of a new person’s story, and the relative simplicity of it all.

I’m in a similar situation. Met someone great just 4 months after my STBXH left me out of the blue. It was very much NOT in my plans, but if someone amazing comes along then what ya gonna do? We’re heading for 6 months together now and we’re very happy. Circumstances (parenting) mean we’ve been forced to take things slowly, which although angsty at times, I’ve enjoyed the slow burn. Like you, I’ve thought about whether it’s too good to be true, but gave up that line of questioning concluding that who knows what’s ‘real’ or not till it’s over.

It’s quite a shift to get your head around a new relationship, especially if there’s distance involved, but I’m loving having my own space, interspersed with mega-excitement and joy when we can spend time together. Incidentally, Grace Dent wrote a great piece on the benefits of being together apart in last weeks’ Graun: www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2019/jun/22/gwyneth-paltrow-happier-living-apart-from-partner-grace-dent

You sound like you’ve got your head screwed on regarding any intros to the kids. If your DCs have shared residence, there’s no real need for a while.

Finally, here’s a link to my thread asking a similar question. It has an interesting range of opinions: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3509056-Separated-4-months-Now-met-someone-I-really-like-Is-it-too-soon

Hi
I'm in a similar position and have similar feelings!
Amicable split from STBX early November after years of living as housemates, began current relationship early January. Definitely not planned, although I've known him for a while as a friend. I had a lot of doubts about starting something so soon but life is short and he's great and makes me feel alive again. Who knows what will happen? We both say we're in it for the long haul. I'm trying to relax and go with the flow, although I've never been very good at that!
I think we have in our heads the 'right time' to do things but I did everything 'right' with my STBX and that ended so maybe right isn't always right!
Good luck :)

In your position, my only concern (for the longer term) would be his choice not to have kids and that you have three. But you’re taking the intro’s slow, as you should, so enjoy what you’ve got now and don’t over-analyse it.

I'm with category12 on this: you're enjoying yourself now, what's the problem? Just enjoy it. You're not marrying him, you're not buying a house with him, you're not having children with him. It can just be what it is.

Relax and enjoy what you have. Don’t analyse the joy out of it.

My slight concern is the “childless by choice” bit for obvious reasons - but again, see how it goes.

15 years and two children later, here I am with my DP who I met when he had just split up with his ex and was going through a horrific divorce. Was frightened at first I was the “rebound” but not the case. Enjoy yourself OP!

The feelings are due to the lack of attention/feeling cherished for so long. They are multiplied 10 fold. The thing to remember is that ALL relationships feel like this after 5 months. I had one like this. It was so intense. I loved them more than I had ever loved, the sex was mind blowing. It was a whirlwind of emotions. 2 years in and it ended as once we emerged from
The lust bubble, we realised we didn’t actually have that much in common (and yet we thought we did in the first flush)

I’d say just enjoy it and if it progresses great. If it doesn’t so what? Life is all about creating memories. We are conditioned into believing that every relationship has to last forever

I think it can last. Like you, I had emotionally left my marriage a long time before I moved out, soon after leaving I met a man and we are still together 3 years later and going strong.

Thank you all for your kind comments, you are all right that I should just enjoy the amazing feeling and let it develop organically.

I had forgotten how exciting new relationships are, it is such a high!!!

I kept reading and reading. Wondering what the catch was ha ha.
It sounds good OP. You both sound sensible, and you seem to be happy together.
Relax and enjoy it, and stick to your decision to not get the kids involved too early. Other than that... Have fun,!