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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

struggling to support depressed oh

15 replies

astressedoutmum101 · 23/06/2019 20:00

I don't know how to say this without sounding mean or selfish so i'll start off by saying that i am writing this for him as well as me. my oh is struggling with depression and i am struggling to help him. he won't go to the doctors or go to bed earlier, won't engage about how he's feeling only that he's feeling down and that's why he won't want to talk to me, go to bed with me, do activities with our kids. I am trying to help him but i'm hitting a wall at every way i turn. i am trying to talk to him on regular occasions, be more affectionate. towards him, surprise him with activities, i arranged for him to see his mum last week who lives 100 miles away. I am struggling. i am doing 100% of childcare and housework and sorting bills on my own, we both work but he works full time and i work 12 hours a week and i'm contemplating quitting my jobs to spend more time with him. i feel like such an asshole moaning about me struggling when he's in such a bad place at the moment but i'm struggling with everything being on my shoulders, he barely talks to me and when we converse it's mostly me talking at him. i feel lonely and sad but when i try and tell him i'm feeling sad he doesn't want to talk. has anybody got any advice?

OP posts:

YouJustDoYou · 23/06/2019 20:03

YOU can't help him. HE has to help himself. If he's not willing to go to a doctor, he's being a selfish arsehole. That's not your fault.

bollocksitshappenedagain · 23/06/2019 20:04

He needs to go to go and get proper treatment. It's not your responsibility to do that for him.

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 23/06/2019 20:05

Ime you need to suggest he stays elsewhere if he isn't prepared to seek help.
You aren't a professional. If he had a heart condition you wouldn't be expected to sort him out....

Ellabella989 · 23/06/2019 20:06

Tell him his behaviour is now affecting your mental health too and he needs to start opening up to you a bit or get himself to a doctor.
I’ve been depressed before and just wanted to be left alone. It’s not fair on the other person in the relationship though and you’re only human who can take so much.
Don’t quit your job either

disneyprincess87 · 23/06/2019 20:07

I know exacrly how you feel when your loved one won't get help. You're not alone, look after yourself otherwise you'll burn out x

Aquamarine1029 · 23/06/2019 20:07

If he selfishly refuses to get help for himself, there is absolutely NOTHING you can do for him. I would be telling him very clearly that if he won't get help, your marriage is in extreme jeopardy. You cannot be expected to live in such misery for the rest of your life.

HellInAHandCartThatsWhat · 23/06/2019 20:14

When dh was severely depressed it got really hard. A few things that got me through... make of it what you will. It’s so hard for you both.

You have to take care of yourself and your kids first.
Make time for yourself, your friends, your hobby.
I would have walked away if he had got help. He had to agree to go to the GP, take the pills, do exercise, therapy etc.

I tried planning things, but to be honest it was more for my sake than his as he put a front on in front of others.

So don’t give up your jobs. Get help, I got dh’s mum and dad to help. We told friends to get support.

Look after yourself.

terraform · 23/06/2019 20:14

I know how you feel it, it can really eat away at you too. My mother is seriously depressed and it's really hard for all of us but she won't do what she needs to do to get better. It's so frustrating and then we feel horrible for resenting her for not making any effort and the burden supporting her puts on us. It's hard, take care of yourself too. x

fedup21 · 23/06/2019 20:17

I don’t think you quitting work will help him-he’ll then be solely financially responsible for the household.

babasaclover · 23/06/2019 20:21

missmartini · 23/06/2019 20:30

OP you have my sympathies. I wrote a post last month about how I felt my DP had fallen out of love with me.

Turns out he had been signed off work for depression and was hiding an awful lot of baggage from me.

The turning point was when he broke down and told me everything.

He has to go to the doctor and want to help himself, that's the only thing I can say! Hand on heart I wouldn't be with my DP right now if he hadn't taken those steps for himself. We've made more time for each other and for ourselves around the kids as well and I can say we're on the right path but still a way to go. No matter what you do, until he helps himself there's nothing you can do that can make it better.

Original poster

astressedoutmum101 · 23/06/2019 20:46

wow all of these messages are kind. i just don't know how to get him to want to help himself. if i don't do anything, nothing will get done and we won't speak or interact and he'll just continue and if i speak to him he either claims i'm being selfish thinking about myself or make empty promises that never happen to finish the conversation. I don't really have any family who can watch the kids and the last time i even left the house apart from going to work was a good 6 months ago and then before that probably another 6. i love my kids with everything i have but would love for my oh to just be able to watch them for a few hours without avoiding me for days after or making me feel bad. i've even sat down at some points with the sole intentions of just having a cry and i just can't because i'm so physically and emotionally exhausted.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 23/06/2019 21:03

Op, your husband is just depressed, he is ABUSIVE. A mental health condition is never an excuse for being abusive. I would be telling him to leave.

Original poster

astressedoutmum101 · 23/06/2019 21:11

correction left the the house without my children. not left in general

OP posts:

missmartini · 23/06/2019 22:12

I have to agree with @Aquamarine1029

With your latest update that doesn't sound like depression. With my DP I felt shit out emotionally and physically but I could still live my life, he could still watch our children and we could still talk.

Please be careful. I know every situation is different but I think you need to put your own mental health first and your children first in this instance x

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