HOW LONG WILL IT BE BEFORE MY SIL CALMS DOWN, FOLLOWING SPLIT????

[noonar]

my sil has decided that she no longer wants to be with my brother.

he hasnt had an affair or anything, but he's just not someone that she wants to be with anymore- he's quite grumpy. a bit too strict with their 3 young children. works too hard. gets home late. drinks a bit too much...you get the picture.

he still loves her,and has tried to change, and to be 'more who she wants him to be'. but its got to the point where she is unable to see any of his good qualities.

he is naturally v upset, but resigned to the split.

my sil is incredibly hostile, bitter and angry. she continues to criticise his every move and is being v awkard about access etc.

i have lots of sympathy for my sil, and would love her to remain friends with her, but am finding her hostility towards my brother really upsetting.

the purpose of my post is to ask if, in your exp, this hostility is likely to lessen with time, or are they destined to be like this for years?!

the weird thing is, she was quite reasonable to start with, eg letting him stay over to help with sick ds3 .but as the weeks go on, she seems to be tolerating him less and less, even though he's going along with all her requests (re money, access, etc etc). its as if its just starting to hit home that she is now a single mum, and she blames him for that 100%

i love them both, but how do i support my sil when she hates my dear brother with such passion?

anyone?

no experience chick,

But it should get better in time.

Maybe she is extremely frustrated??

It could be that she loves him very much but really can't cope with how he is. She may have spent a long time trying to tell him, but he hasn't listened to her? So maybe she thought kicking him into touch would make him wake up and smell the coffee. Then, as you say, he has resigned himself to the split, maybe that has hurt and frustrated her even more as she may feel he's not prepared to work at the issues they may have for the sake of her and the children??

Not knowing the full story, it's hard to say....but maybe that could be where she is coming from?? What do you think? Is that possible??

..alternatively, has she possibly met someone else?? When you feel guilty its sometimes possible to be hostile and see the faults in dh to ease the guilt..ifykim

this must be really difficult for you all,

i am single parent to 2 girls and i was left for someone else......

I would try and stay on good terms with her as best as you can... but also support your brother..

my ex family were no support to me, and i really resent them for this i have never seen them since we split, and it is such a shame dd see's her cousin's when she goes to ex's but it sint the same there is a divide which isnt nice for children,

your bro needs to get advice asap and try and get a contact order in place so he can see the children.

also on the child support agency therfe is a maintance calculater to work out the maintenance he will be expected to pay,

family splits are awful and quite hard to deal with staright away and it does take time i am 2 years down the line and i still have issues i need to deal with, where as ex is fully over it he gets married in 4 weeks!!

Sorry noonar, I think I may have got the wrong jist of your post...hope my reply didn't sound to harsh..thought you were asking why she was being like this

Do you know her well enough to tell her what you just told us?

thanks everyone.

mascara, i do know her well enough, and have spoken to her many times on the phone, and she has been graeful for my support. i havent spoken to her since her most recent displays of anger, as i dont trust myself to say the 'right thing'.

purple, you didnt sound harsh . he has tried to change. she tells him she doesnt love him, she's so critical of everything he does. they've separated before, and he's tried to change, but finds it hard to sustain any changes he makes.

snowonder, i also worry about relationships with cousins. i also dont want my children to lose their auntie .

Is the hostility purely against him and not any of the rest of his family?

I think really it could be expected, if as you say he has tried to fix things and failed and she has given him many chances then she must feel frustrated and unhappy by the outcome. I'm not saying that's right, IMO you can't really expect a leopard to change its spots, but I am just trying to put myself in her shoes.

Only time will tell if she will come round to him. All you can do is say to her that you appreciate she must be angry and frustrated but you don't want it to ruin your relationship with her. Maybe once you have done this she will open up to you a bit more, there could well be more to it than you know.

I can only tell you what it was like when my parents split (I was 32 at the time). My mum was incredibly bitter (understanably) and it hurt me a lot to hear her planning how she was going to kill my fatehr (yes seriously). Initally i just put up with it because she was erally too raw to cope with a sensible discussion.

After about 6 months I talked to her about it and said I understood how she felt (and even to a degree agreed) but that I found it very upsetting when she spoke about him like that in front of me. She toned it down and probably vented to other people instead.

Difficult to tell whether time will lesson the hostility (or at least how much time will lesson it) it took my mum at least 2 yrs to get onto a more even keel and probably 5-7 yrs before she really didn;t care about him any more.

Good luck.

thanks to you both. its good to get some perspective on this, from others.

i may have to tell her to tone it down a bit, and also ask my brother not to tell me every little detail about their rows, as its hard not to leap to his defence.

one thing which complicates things is that we're all supposed to be going away together at the end of the hols. we've spent a fortune. we do have separate accommodation but still, i think we've all been a bit naiive to think things could be sufficiently resolved to go ahead with the trip.

Firstly I think it's great that you are trying to stay in touch as I've heard next to nothing from my ex's family after I kicked him out 7 years ago when he was having an affair etc. They don't even send Christmas or birthday cards to our dds.

As for your SIL I don't know why she is like this - hating your brother for ruining the possibility of the future she envisaged etc. My dh's ex left him for someone else and he had really done nothing that bad other than not be what she hoped but she HATES him still (4 years later) and is always slagging him off to anyone who'll listen including their 3 teenage dds who find her very difficult at times and the eldest two live with us full-time and the other one 50%. She just can't seem to get over blaming him for everything, wishing she never married him, says she never really loved him (they were married for 22 years btw!) etc etc. He really is the nicest man in the world so it's baffling. But her bitteness shows no signs of abating.

I hope your SIL doesn't keep it up that long obviously but she could. Maybe you could help her see that the hatred is eating her up and stopping her being happy. If she let it go she would be better off in herself as well as your brother having more chance with the kdis etc.

thanks listmaker

so what do i do about this bl**dy holiday? should i encourage them to come and try to be grown up and make the best of it, for the children's sake, or am i clutching at straws, here? (think i already know the answer to that one!)

who is supposed to be coming on Hols - just SIL and kids?