I think dp is still 'in the grip' of his abusive ex partner - how do I deal with this?

[iSpyAFly]

Have nc'd for this as I think she may be on Mumsnet!

I have been seeing dp for a year. We have started talking about moving in together, we have met each other's friends and are v happy together apart from one thing.

Dp and his ex broke up 5 years ago. They have dcs. She was an emotionally abusive ex which he has admitted to me. He did not admit any of this to me till we had known each other for about 3 months and he told me through tears. They went out for 12 years and all the time she made him feel worse and worse to the point where he got depressed and had to seek out medical help. It was at this point he realised what was going on but it still took years for him to leave. He told me the sort of stuff she was doing and it was v manipulative and damaging.

He told me it was like she had a spell over him and rationally he cannot explain why he stayed. He also had an absent father as a child and feels v strongly about being there for his dcs.

He told me he still goes to see his dcs once a week (they live around 3 hours away) and stays over so that she can go out. He told me he had a separate room there. All fine, I feel he's being honest so ok and I have dcs so it gives me time to do stuff with mine.

Lately we've been getting to know each other better and better and he's started to talk more and more about his ex. A month ago he told me she had said she had a new partner who she had already introduced to the dcs. He said he was relieved as he didn't feel anything (about her having a new dp) but a bit upset she had introduced them to the dcs without speaking to him first. The new dp is going to move in (not sure when).

Last weekend we were meant to spend the weekend together but (apparently) one of the dcs fell ill so he was there Friday anyway but said he felt bad leaving the dc while ill so was going to stay an extra night but 'this was tough for him as it meant no sleep'. I thought he meant because the dc would be up all night but he clarified 'because I'm asleep on the floor'. I said err don't you have a room there and he said no!

Few things that worry me - first the lie about having his own room. Second that he is actually bothered about her having a new dp and the dcs were not that ill. It is so hard to speak to him about this as he finds it incredibly emotionally challenging and upsetting and I have to approach this gently. If anyone has any tips as to how to address this with him in a way that he doesn't feel threatened otherwise, if what I fear is true about her hold over him, I don't think I can continue to have a relationship with someone whose ex is still pulling their strings!

(I'm just going out for a long walk if I don't reply immediately but will be back later!)

Firstly your instincts are kicking in so listen to what you feel.

Secondly just be sceptical not about the abuse but his arrangements with Ex. If they have 3 DC its unlikely they have a spare room and it's pretty generous of an ex to let him stay over.
Who moved the 3 hours away?

I'd agree that this guy is always going to be hard work for you. This intense attachment, after 5 years apart , does seem like a serious problem . It will be interesting to see how his attachment changes when a new man is on the scene. It's one thing to still be tied to your ex emotionally, when she is alone with the kids. Very different when she is living / sleeping with someone else , and your DP has to see him every week when the visits happen.

The "staying overnight" thing might have to change too - I can't imagine the new guy being happy to have an ex sleeping on his floor once a week.

The lie about the room would bother me too - why would he do that ? Trying to make you more comfortable with the sleepover thing , so you wouldn't think he was sleeping with the ex ?

I'd be moving on, if I was in your shoes. There is something really weird about this attachment, and it doesn't seem to be getting any better.

Suggest he rents an air B&B where the dc live and he can stay there with them. Or pick them up eow and bring them to his home. Skype contact would be useful too..

He’s probably lying about the abuse, the new partner etc. Sounds like he’s telling you things you want to hear.

You really don't have the whole picture here OP. Something sounds off.

Tbh it doesn’t sound like she ‘has a grip’. It sounds like he’s hanging on for dear life.

I don't think he is lying about the abuse but I agree the whole thing is off and something is not right. He had a relationship after her (before me) with someone who was barely available (I don't know her but she's in my professional circle) and I'm concerned that he appears to make strong bonds with women who reject him. I don't do that at all, I don't think I have any attachment issues and I'm starting to feel he's more interested in me when I am less available if that makes sense (and more interested in her now she isn't!).

He is a father to 3 children and his primary responsibility sits with them. After he split he should have arranged proper contact with them. By that I mean seeing regularly in his own home. If this was 5 months after the split this situation would be understood but it is 5 years.

That he hasn’t done this tells you that he has tried to maintain a connection with his ex regardless of the impact on his children or he doesn’t really have the wherewithal to sort out his responsibilities. That a new DP might come along was obvious making this untenable.

Why did he never sort out a cheap b&b or even buy an inflatable. He could be a doormat to her because of the abuse or more realistically he had a bed to sleep in. The comment that he slept on the floor is a slip up.

He moved the 3 hours away (he had to because of work). Her job is tied to where she lives.

I also think he made a slip up and doesn't actually realise.

For a couple who have been involved for a year you don't sound like you have much to do with each others lives tbh.
After 5 years he should have regular contact with kids away from mum.
Due to travelling have one weekend a month and school holidays with kids.
I had a friend who lived 6 hrs from his kid and he would come down every weekend. Was ridiculous. Poor guy could never move on and have a life.

I wouldn't move in with this person after a year OP. It sounds like you may be a bit under his spell if anything and have it minded that he is a victim and you want to protect him. Understandable if you care for him but you don't know the full story. You shouldn't feel you need to do anything- he as an adult should be seeking help if his abusive relationship has him feeling the way he does. Arguable he is not ready to be in one at all. He has effectively admitted he suspected he thought he'd be upset to find out his ex had moved on, and I would doubt the 'sleeping on the floor' too- he sounds like a bit of a martyr. He could have booked a hotel or brought a mattress. It sounds more like he gets something out of you feeling sorry for him.

He clearly controls what information he gives you, and holds an awful lot back. The fact he is happy to lie is concerning. If I were your friend I would want more for you than a person with this amount of baggage who has you weighed down with responsibility this early on, and would be very suspicious of what really happened with his ex and her version.

Either way, he needs to be the one to work on his emotional problems before he can have a relationship he's fully engaged in.

Thanks, you're right. I don't feel I'm under his spell but even I am starting to wonder if I want to take this on and whether I deserve better.

He is very good at trying to make me feel sorry for him when he's changing our plans but I'm pretty immune to that.

Other than that we are really involved in each other's lives. We have planned holidays, we have met friends/family but this (for me) is a big red flag that needs to be dealt with and if it can't, then I have to move on.

I am struggling with the fact that he had to move 3hrs away from his 3 children for work?

Yep, he didnt HAVE to move away for work, he choose to. His ex is very gracious to let him stay.
The fact that you think he plays the victim with you when he wants something his way is a massive, massive red flag.

Being straight forward and upfront is fundamental, if not it is being manipulative. Just because you don't fall for it (when you see it) doesnt mean it isn't happening on a widespread basis and you haven't just figured it out.

Does he "go" for high status women? Was his ex similar pre children?

Have you actually met his kids? Why doesn't he have them at his own place EOW, holidays etc?

His ex is abusive. He had three children with her. He left her because she is abusive and destroyed his mental health. He did not take the children when he left. He then moved 3 hrs away and did not take the children. He sees his children once a week at her house as he babysits them when she goes out. In five years he has not made a 50:50 arrangement to care for his children. Or even a bog standard slack dad arrangement of one night in the week and every other weekend.

He is so very full of bullshit.

When people leave abusers they tend to take the children and fight tooth and nail to keep contact as low as possible. Not fuck off three hours away and pop in once a week to say hi while doing zero actual parenting.

He tries to manipulate you into feeling sorry for him you say? What a surprise. DARVO my dear. Run away.

When someone tells one lie, they're bound to have told other lies. It makes trusting them really difficult.

I agree that him having a room to sleep in doesn't sound right. How many bedrooms does the house have that his wife and the kids also have their own rooms.

It would have been more realistic if he said he slept on the sofa.

As you've found out he's lying, I'm not 100% sure I believe the claims of abuse now.

He may even still be in a relationship with her and her having a new DP is a lie. You just don't know.

Do you know his Ex wife's name? Is she on social media?
Have you seen pictures of his kids? Any photos of him with them?

I've got a pretty suspicious mind, having seen people live double lives and be cunningly deceptive.

I know someone who found out she was the OW, after having 4 DC with her 'D' P.

What TowelNumber42 said. 100%.

I am the "abusive ex-wife", OW is totally invested in this narrative given by my ex-husband. It's utter fucking nonsense and it really really upsets and angers me that their friends and her family will believe this and judge me. He is also as useless a father as your boyfriend is portrayed here. He is also moving 400 miles away "to get away from me". This man is waving so many red flags in your face, he's telling you what he is. Listen to him. You deserve better.

Hmmm, could it really be the ex wife?

Are you sure that they are even separated? Is he just working away and in a relationship with you M-F? Have you spent a weekend with him ever or met his children?

He is very good at trying to make me feel sorry for him when he's changing our plans but I'm pretty immune to that.
I'm not sure I'd move in with someone who has such an messy life as this - especially someone who has three children you may end up being a step parent to if your relationship progresses and who may well be manipulative- your comment above.

Also I'm with other posters - Why doesn't he have proper access in place, away from his Ex's home - after five years? Additionally the decision to move 3hrs away from his children, even for work related reasons is puzzling given his comments about not wanting to be an absent father as his own father was...

Oh yeah I m one of those ‘ abusive exs’ trouble is I was so bad that he can’t bear to see his children as it all comes back to him. Poor sausage. No mention to
OW of the financial abuse that he put as through, the controlling behaviour or the fact his kids don’t want to see him. No mention of the fact that he’s told his parents not to contact us in case the kids tell them what living with him was really like.
Honestly, there are two sides to every story. You only have his and there are red flags all over it.

Are the friends you have meet all from his new area? Do any of them know him from before he moved? From when he was still with her? Have you meet any of his family?

I find it quite bizarre that he hasn't organised a better access arrangement in five years.

I'm sure her new partner will be delighted to have her ex sleeping on the floor weekly!? Do they mean to continue this arrangement forever?

Everything you know about her being abusive comes from him. But to me this doesn't match up with him staying at her home weekly for five years. Even the most mature and amicable of co-parents would find that different surely?