What to do?

[Mimilamore]

Coming up to my retirement, May 2020, married 41 years....
Should have sorted myself years ago but didn't. Husband 72, lots of medical problems.
He has always wanted to live on a boat. I , though I love being on a boat don't want to live on one. There is a lot of emotional abuse...
Our house would sell for £180.000ish... he is looking at narrow boats at around £60,000.
My ideal would be for him to live on a boat and for me to have a humble dwelling for myself.
I could then visit him and check on him but have my own life.
I am hopeless at financial matters and have no idea how to progress.
I am 65 in July.
Any advice given would be appreciated.

Hi lovely. If he is abusing you and you don't want to live with him, why don't you divorce?

You'd be better off divorced than just living apart and "checking on him". Why remain tied to him if he is emotionally abusing you.

A short talk to a solicitor would be a good start.

If that's what you want to do, is he in agreement? I suppose the boat and the house would have to both be in joint names, otherwise it looks like you're getting £120k and him only £60k.

Why won’t you divorce him OP? He sounds very unpleasant.

I’d suggest solicitor and then independent financial adviser.

I think you need to speak to someone who can advise you on the financial side. To teach you what you need to know.

Maybe Womens Aid? I'm sure they'll be others, just can't think who. Do you have a good friend who would be happy to help you get your thoughts and finances sorted?

Definitely get a solicitor and some financial advice. Take all the advice carefully, don't just accept it.
You can still 'check on him' even if you are divorced - but you might find you don't want to.
Does he have a will? If he's 72 and not very well, you might need to take that into account.
If he intends to sell your home to buy the boat, what's happening to the rest of the money, in his mind?
You might not be 'hopeless' at financial matters, just inexperienced. Say nothing to him yet. Think it all through and see what is best for you, then put your plan into action.

Is there a reason you’re not thinking about divorce?

You’d split assets so would have c. £90k each (though there will be legal fees etc).

Does he have a private pension? Will you? Are they relatively equitable?

It’s not your job to check in on him. You need your own life. You could easily be stuck with him for another 20 years.

Thank you so much for your advice, I am working it through it in my head.
Just a very big step after all this time.

No private pension for him, I will have my full state pension and a small LGS one.

Do you want to actually stay together or split ?

180k would give you approx 90k each.

Do what makes you happy.

May be time to part company. Don't waste your retirement bobbing about on a boat you don't want to be on with someone you don't like.

As the saying goes it's better to be at the bottom of a ladder you want to climb not half way up one you don't.

It's daunting to part ways but the freedom and euphoria of a life suddenly suffused with sunshine is worth it in my experience.

Deep down I know this... I did just say to him that it would be good if he got a boat for himself, he doesn't want me anywhere near it he said.
Apparently I cooked a roast on the Norfolk Broads in the 80s and said I enjoyed it... he took this to mean I would live on a boat. I batted him off as we had 4 children and said I would think about it when they had gone.. foolish I know.
So now he has said some nasty things and gone off with his boat magazines.
I am going to start to get some stuff cleared from house.. he hoards to feel.
I will get some advice, would CAB be able to help me?

Yes but a step to freedom

Your deserve to have some happiness OP even after all these years of being with your DH. Its never too late.
Please go and see a solicitor in the first instance and then discuss with your DH how you are going to progress a separation.

Thank you all

OP I am your age. I live alone and it's a joy! go for it!

I hope that you will be able to sort all this through soon,ie, your husband,the boat,and somewhere happy for you to live. I am a pensioner,and been on my own for many many years,but I have always had a penchant to live on a narrow boat, but will never do,as finances would be a problem for me,and also I would like to be a boat perstinyon with someone like a partner etc,which is not going to happen now.

It's all a bit of a dream now,and also I have three cats,which would be a problem ha ha.

I live in a tiny ,very old cottage now,and although it's quite pleasant, it needs such a lot doing to it, and I always do all diy myself,but now I am sick of living here really,as it's a never ending thing patching things up here, Only my garden,and the cats keep me sane, as my boat has now sailed so to speak ! Good luck for all your plans anyway !

I too have cats....7!!
Mum lives indoors and her children are feral and lives in the garden, albeit with a big bed and electric blanket.
I am not, in theory anti boat just anti boat with somebody who is either angry or self pitying.
Thank you for your good wishes.

65 is no age OP!

Never to old to be happy and contented.

Please don't get financial advice from CAB. I read recently in the financial advice pages of a decent newspaper, could be The Times, that CAB have a contract with DWP to provide advice but are limited in what they can say to people looking for unbiased advice on money matters. Also, CAB have to pass your details and the advice they give you to DWP. No confidentiality there, just government secrecy about what they do with our personal information. As I recall this article related particularly to Universal Credit but it made the point that the condition applies to all advice that included any benefit.

Read a couple of current personal finance magazines or online, for background and general information on what's involved when you deal with a financial adviser, what they can offer, what you might have to pay in charges, how things work. A family law solicitor will look at your situation and advise you on your options if you do decide to divorce.

There are benefits calculators online which work well - Entitled To is here.

Live on a boat? To hell with that! What you don't want to be in your best years, is permanently cold and damp. I'm 72 now, divorced 19 years ago and finally free of the money pit house in a gorgeous location. Instead I live in my own warm and cosy new build semi (traditional build by a local builder, not a half finished big box build) in a nice suburb of a city I like, with easy access to everything I need. I also have cats. Despite being disabled (mobility problems) these are my best years, I'm loving it, been here two years now.

I hope things work out well for you.

Very useful advice thank you. A lot of posters saying they are happier having made the decision.

Never too late to sit in peace and value your freedom. You want to have the freedom to do what you want in retirement!

When you make decisions you start taking control of your own life and take a lot of power from that