My partner's ex

[johannawarlow1210]

Hi everyone, I am looking for some advice and hoping someone could help.
I met my new partner 7 months ago on a dating website.. we completely fell in love with each other from the first messages. The situation with him is he was married for 17 years, they tried for children but it didn't happen, 6 years ago they moved from the UK to Barcelona to start a new life but turns out they didn't have anything in common and the marriage ended but amicable. They have been separated for 2 and half years and went their separate ways in Barcelona but are still really good friends. He had sold his property and is moving over here in 4 weeks time to be with me, we have been visiting each other once a month and spending a few days together each visit and we message constantly. The situation is he keeps talking to me about her, about the quirky things they did and about the trips they have been on, what she likes and what annoys her. They see each other quite often as they live near each other and they do each other favors like looking after each other's dogs. He has just finished his visit with me now and he said he trusts her with his life and she is the most honest person he knows, he said he loves her like a sister. Should I be worried? I want to be his number 1 and sometimes I feel she is. I don't know if I am just being jealous. I want to say something to him but don't know how without it sounding mean. Can anyone advise?

If it helps put your mind a rest I'm this close to my exH. 100% nothing more than really good friends. Both have a dp. I still love him but not romantically. Sometimes people get married who maybe should have stayed friends instead. I would say if he actually prioritises her over you then have words but until then maybe give him the benefit of the doubt.

A running commentary of his ex's habits and preferences is not necessary. Perhaps he doesn't realise how much he's doing it?

Maybe point out ( at a time when you're not peeved by it), that he mentions her a great deal.

Even though they are seperate, I would be worried that he hasn't yet fully detached from the relationship

They didn't have anything in common but they see each other all the time, he talks about her all the time and loves her like a sister? Doesn't sound at all right to me.

no, it doesn't sound good to me either, they are in the same country and too close for comfort by what i'm reading.

He had sold his property and is moving over here in 4 weeks time to be with me

Please god tell me he's bought/rented his own property and isn't expecting to move in with you?

don't expect this to be a happy ever after, i'd really like for you to come back in a year or two and say how wonderful life is with him, but like others can't see it.

I had this with an ex. Note ex.

I tried bringing it up with him.and his response was always just "I have known her a long time".

In the end it became untenable. I'm not living in someone else's shadow.

Is he actually divorced yet?

I think I'd just go totally silent when he talks about her. Deadly silent and if he says anything, just tell him you don't particularly want to keep hearing about his Ex.

Ask if would like a running commentary on your Ex. Let him think about it.

For me its not even about jealousy... I have absolutely no interest in hearing of how delightful or quirky my DPs ex is. It's boring to keep hearing.

I'd be fed up if he continued talking about a male friend this much as well.

You could try a loud yawn whenever he does it...perhaps he'll then realise how much he mentions it.

I'm more likely to just end it though.. I don't have the patience for this kind of thing. Life is too short.

He’s sold his house and is moving countries to be with you after just 7 months and a couple of visits?

I wouldn’t like this! It sounds like he is not over her.

My ex used to talk about his ex-fiancé a lot when we first got together (they’re still on speaking terms but not massively close) he doesn’t really mention her now unless it’s completely relevant to the conversation, I think he just needed to get it all out of his system iyswim

You’ve been together 7 months, stayed with each other a handful of times and he’s moving to be with you?! Is he actually moving in with you or just nearby so you can see how it goes.

The fact you’re having doubts about this relationship before you even live in the same country is a very bad sign.

FUCK'S SAKE!!

You can look back on my posting history, and I am a huge proponent of not being down on the ex-wife, cos I am the ex wife. I love my ex to bits, platonically. He looks after my cats and house when I go on holiday - and vice versa.

It would freak me (and doubtless his wife) the fuck out if he was going on about me at all - no need

What worries we is that you'fell in love from the first messages'. That isn't love with eachother. It's 'love' with an image - made up of your best representatives, and your own dreams, wishes and projections.

You are 7 months into a relationship. Listen to these warning signs and proceed as you see fit. This is what dating is for - time to see the real person emerge, and to adjust expectations accordingly xx

I had a similar issue and brought it up during a less than calm discussion.
I don’t think it’s something to worry about, necessarily. In my case, he was just talking about his past and it didn’t occur to him that he was going on and on and on about his ex.
A PP suggested asking how he’d feel if you kept going on about your ex. It genuinely might not bother him the way the reverse bothers you. I would just let him know that it does bother you how much he talks about his ex. He may not have realised and can make changes so as to make you feel more comfortable. If he doesn’t, you have to decide if you can put up with it or not.

Next time he mentions her, say with a smile "are you sure you two shouldn't still be married?"

Hopefully he'll say something like "God no, we're much happier as friends."

I think you need to tackle this, for your own peace of mind, before he moves.
Is he getting his own place, or staying with you?