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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Living with Husband after divorce

24 replies

JustMe9 · 22/06/2019 09:48

Ok so the story is...
I have been with my partner for over 4 years now. We have a two year old son together. We both live abroad so no family links around.
Our relationship just been so shitty that we ended up signing divorce papers early this year. After that we still live together and things seem to have improved now. We dont fight or argue anymore (whick used to daily thing before divorce). He wants to stay together for the sake of our son. BUT sometimes I find doubting myself if I still love him... I dont care that we are no longer officially married we still share the same surname lol My main question here is whether we should stay together if we probably dont love each other as much anymore. Im bored with him. Sometimes he wont talk to me for days if he is in a bad mood... I feel like I would rather stay at work than go back home on some days. Now again, if we ended up breaking up and he moved out - I coulndt afford rent and childcare on my salary. Im not entitled to any benefits as Im a foreigner here and I have no family around to help me out. What should I do? Could I raise a boy without a father? By the way he does love his son, they spend a good amount of time together - even now they both went to town and specifically said that I cannot go with them... Im ok with that cause I get a chance to lay on sunlounger in my garden now in piece and quiet but... really I am not happy with him anymore. Im not saying its most of the time though we have some good moments but thats like 20% of the time. Any thoughts on this please xx

OP posts:
TheStuffedPenguin · 22/06/2019 10:17

where are you living ?

Original poster
JustMe9 · 22/06/2019 10:36

England

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 22/06/2019 11:37

Do you have a right to reside here or are you on a relationship visa?

PicsInRed · 22/06/2019 11:40

Also, does your exH have UK citizenship? What is the immigration status of your child? Was your child born in the UK and - if neither of you is a citizen - has that child been formally settled?

boosterrooster · 22/06/2019 11:43

Wish I had some advice, I don't but currently in a similar situation so following this thread

Hope you're ok!

Original poster
JustMe9 · 22/06/2019 12:30

We are both eu citizens and I am permanent resident here, our son has british passport... not sure how all this is related though as like I said im not entitled to benefits nor i ever want to claim any...

OP posts:
Original poster
JustMe9 · 22/06/2019 12:31

How similar is your situation? Would you like to share with us? x

OP posts:
FuriousVexation · 22/06/2019 12:42

It's nothing to do with benefits, it's about whether your ex can leave the country and take your DC with him. And about the practicalities of co-parenting if one of you decides to go back to your country of origin.

Have you taken legal advice?

Original poster
JustMe9 · 22/06/2019 12:44

Aaa no he cant take my son without my agreement because when we divorced the lawyers stated that child lives with me 100% of the time and the father needs to pay child maintenance money but thats very little amount anyway and I doubt he would even pay that

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/06/2019 12:50

Have you tried claiming maintenance from him?.

He is still financially responsible though for his child and he should be making a contribution re his son. I would also look into formalising all future access your ex H has to his son as well. He is already and still giving his son mixed messages. He telling your son that you as his mother could not go with them is wrong on all levels.

Cherrysoup · 22/06/2019 12:57

He’s emotionally abusing you by not speaking for days. Have you used the online calculator to see how much you’re entitled to if you or he moved out? I couldn’t tolerate living in such a shit atmosphere.

Original poster
JustMe9 · 22/06/2019 13:01

He already pays for rent of our house and food most of the time. So I dont think it would be right if I claimed child maintenance whilst he lives here. Also, my salary would be slightly above thr threshold to claim any form of financial help. Also Ive not worked here for 5 years in a row which is one of the requirements now

OP posts:
Original poster
JustMe9 · 22/06/2019 13:03

I really dont know if I could handle my boy 24 hours 7 days a week on my own as he still doesnt sleep through the night and its exhausting on all of us really. I dont know whats the right thing to do...

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 22/06/2019 13:06

FuriousVexation, exactly.
It's a matter of practicalities. Glad to hear that residency has been determined.

Have you been here long enough to be deemed settled, as part of the brexit settlement scheme, as then you may be able to access benefits and obtain more financial security for yourself?

Original poster
JustMe9 · 22/06/2019 13:09

Yeah Ive been here over 10 years now - all of my adult life really

OP posts:
lboogy · 22/06/2019 13:16

Have you tried marriage counselling ? It doesn't sound like you're sure you want to end your marriage. A small child changes your whole relationship dynamic and sometimes a counsellor maybe able to help you work through what you really want.

If you can't stay in the U.K. without him then have you considered going home?

PicsInRed · 22/06/2019 13:20

If you've been here 10 years, are you in a position to get officially settled? That will be a huge help with obtaining benefits and housing - helping you gain some financial autonomy from the ex whilst you get back on your feet.

Original poster
JustMe9 · 22/06/2019 13:21

No we havent tried councelling and neither he nor me would ever want to do something like that really. Why couldnt I stay in the uk? And going "home" suggestion isnt appreciated as my home is here now and my son is british citizen so I wonder then where is his "home". Dont know how any of your answers on my post are related to my relashionship issues... it will soon become another topic about brexit LOL

OP posts:
Original poster
JustMe9 · 22/06/2019 13:23

Yeah... I mentioned in the very beginning that Im not entitled to benefits as my salary is quite decent and they wont pay any benefits based on my salary

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 22/06/2019 13:32

From your first post:

I coulndt afford rent and childcare on my salary.

Im not entitled to any benefits as Im a foreigner here

PicsInRed · 22/06/2019 13:35

These posts have nothing to do with Brexit and everything to do with concern for your situation and attempting to provide relevant advice in assisting you out of that situation.

All The best. Flowers

SandyY2K · 22/06/2019 14:48

Your getting defensive when ppl are trying to help you. That's not a great attitude when you post on a public forum asking for thoughts on your situation.

Anyway.....
If you continue living together, how does either of you move on to another relationship?

The current situation will confuse your DS as he grows up. Your together, but not together.

Original poster
JustMe9 · 22/06/2019 15:33

:) we wouldnt get on other relationships while living together as we are still a couple

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 22/06/2019 16:46

I wasn't sure if there was still a relationship since the divorce or if it was more of living like friends.

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