Self sabotage - why do I keep doing this?

[Shireena]

Hi,

I'm struggling to figure out why I'm behaving like this, had a bit of anxiety as a teen, was kind of a late developer. Came out of an abusive relationship 18months ago where my ex had anger issues so I was always on eggshells. I tried dating about 6 months after my split, had nice dates but no connection. I think I just look so together when I meet people. However I recently got myself a FWB and the moment potential feelings arose, I found myself trying to sabotage and run away. I'm so terrified of getting hurt or letting someone close. I realise now I never let any partners close because of this fear. I don't want to be like this but how do you fix that side of you?

My partner and I did lots of this. If you were in an abusive relationship you're potentially acting out the things your abuser told you about yourself and projected onto you.

If that's the case it just takes time and learning to value yourself again. Have you had any therapy?

@LittleDoll with my ex, I was nervous to do things as he had a very short fuse so I tended to try so hard to make things perfect and stress free even though I was anxious inside. With new prospective partners, I seem to be all perfect at the start, very giving and loving, which I naturally am, then start worrying if I'm being used/taken for a mug, then start to avoid contact so person will chase me, like I need to feel wanted and desired. If they don't do that, I feel this satisfaction that they didn't want me that much, but I worry that I'm pushing decent people away. With my recent FWB, he has shown me intimacy on a whole new level and I'm terrified.

You're not supposed to develop romantic feelings for an fwb so backing off was appropriate.

Fwbs work because they are good for combing sex with friendship without the complexity of romantic feelings. If feelings set in it kind of defeats the object.

FWIW, I do what you do and I'm avoiding relationships for a while! Fwb is the way to go!

@WonderingHowToChangeThis I do agree but I'm not sure I can handle this FWB mallarkey either. This is my first one and it's both excited me and terrified me. And I can feel myself getting attached even though no future at all, and that can't be right. I feel so lonely at times, but I almost build the cage up around myself to stop getting hurt.

@Shireena I used to do exactly this after my abusive marriage. Those feeling you have now are as a result of the abuse you have suffered in the past (potentially even abuse/neglect from your childhood)

You haven't healed from this abuse, loneliness, feelings of worthlessness, low self esteem (worrying so much about whether this other person will abandon you), people pleasing, constant scanning of your environment to assess if you are going to get hurt.

There is nothing wrong with having FWB and it can be a really satisfying relationship. The problem is that if you are trying to date or start a relationship or even have a FWB before you are healed, you risk focusing so much on whether the other person likes you/if tou are good enough for them that you never really take the time to assess whether they or the situation is really any good for YOU

I would suggest taking 6 months off from any dating or FWB and focus exclusively on healing from the abuse you have suffered and any issues of codependance you have.

I found myself in a string of abusive relationships because I used to have this mindset. Not saying your FWB is abusive, but you have to realise how vulnerable you still are and it is difficult to relax and enjoy any relationship with a man when you are not fully healed.

Detach from the whole relationship impetus and deliberately spend the next twelve months as a single.
YOU need to be the most important person in your own life. Society manipulates us into thinking that as women, the only real validation of our existence comes from relationships.
And it's a crock of shit OP.

@Lockcodger gosh your initial description is so spot on, it's frightening. I really do not want to be like that at all but there is that anxiety there. I always knew my ex was infatuated with me but it felt like a prison so I don't really know why I panic with intimate situations. My FWB pulled me up on it saying I regularly dump him then pick him up again because I'm frightened. But I don't know how to stop, every time we don't see each other, the anxiety kicks in and it's like 'break it off before you get hurt'

I really think that's why you need to take a break from dating and focus on yourself. People used to tell me the same and the codependent in me couldn't bare the thought of being alone in my own company so I constantly sought out companionship or relationships that were very unhealthy.

It led me to have 3 consecutive abusive relationships which is what finally made me wake up and realise that loving yourself isn't a cliche, it's the most important thing you will ever learn to do.

The longer you are in this mindset, the more at risk you are of entering another abusive relationship because your motives are the same as when you were in the first one. I'm not saying its your fault, you have had these abusive messages implanted during your childhood which often leads to co-dependency.

How is your family dynamic? The feelings you have mentioned including anxiety are a symptom of narcissistic abuse, particularly if you grew up in a household with a narcissistic. My dad was the original narcissist in my life and I have had to do alot of work to realise how this has impacted the decisions I've made as an adult and distance myself from him.

If you identify the original narcissist in your life, you will be able to see the patterns in yourself. It's like we are immune to abuse because we see alot of the emotional abuse as 'normal' and that coupled with poor boundaries leaves us wide open to further abuse.

There are some great videos on youtube about healing from codependency. Lisa Romano is my favourite

@Lockcodger I genuinely can't see any narcissist behaviour in my family. My parents died young, very loving family, I then got this anxiety, didn't date for years because I guess I was scared they would leave me (perhaps die I guess)....my last partner was very handsome, swept me off my feet but was emotionally abusive. I don't think I ever really let anyone close to me if I'm honest.

Shirrena I'm so sorry about your parents

I've heard theories that we can sometimes rely on a partner to parent us when we felt that was missing and then the abuse can cause the same attachment problems as if it were a parent who caused it.

Maybe you could try counselling to get to the root of your anxiety. I have no doubt that your abusive relationship contributed to the feelings you have now and potentially trauma therapy would help?

Either way, I would take some time out of dating.

How long were you in the abusive relationship and how long have you now been single for?

Sorry, just seen you've been single 18 mo. If you were dating only 6 months out of that it was probably much too soon out of the abuse and really trying to heal yourself from this would definitely help with how you feel

@Lockcodger so I've been single 18months, but tried the apps about 8 months in. Just lots of first dates, all nice. The only connection I've had is with my FWB who I met after about 13 months. My relationship was 5 years long.