So sick of my family never sticking up for me

[madcatladyforever]

So I went round to my mother's house as pre arranged and my stepfather sent me packing and shut the door in my face again because she wasn't about.
He's been doing this for years and it's so humiliating and awful. I got in my car and cried all the way home.
Not one of them stuck up for me when they found out just made outIi'm being over sensitive as usual and sorry we "missed you". They didn't "miss me" I was sent packing .
I can't ever remember a time when anyone stood up for me when he has been downright rude and dismissive of me and I feel just devastated.
He shut the door in my face once when I went round there because I'd been taken ill in town, I was absolutely devastated to be treated like that. He's always hated me and I have no idea why yet is lovely when other people are around.
I'm really thinking that this relationship is just getting me down and making me feel like a piece of shit.
I'm moving away to another county soon and I'm thinking of making a break from it all. I don't need this any more.
I've never felt part of this family and it's making me feel severely depressed but I haven't really got anyone else but I'm wondering if it would be best to keep my distance now.

Hi OP, that sounds awful. Just because you are related to someone, it doesn't entitle them to be in your life. Make a break (you don't need to burn bridges, just stop contacting them) and see how you feel.

I would never let a partner treat one of my children that way and you shouldn't have to accept it. You deserve better

Thank you. I think I'm just going to stop, nobody ever visits me at home it's always me that has to make the long journey up there. Nobody will ever even bother to say lets meet at a cafe half way, it's assumed I will make the long journey.
I'm going to have to just stay away now and see how I feel about it. I just can't mentally take any more of this.

OP, it’s them not you. Move, drop them and don’t ever look back. Easier said than done but who needs toxic people bringing you down all the time. Your so called stepfather is an arsehole and rest of the family is not any better.
💐

Oh dear god this.

Nice when others are around, a shit when they're not.

It's not you, he's being horrid.

I do think you need to face that you might lose your family of birth. Come to some sort of terms with that possibility.

And then, -talk- to your mother. Tell her what's going on. Tell her it's been going on for a long time and you're gutted. That he's not being honest.

if she dismisses it, and I'm afraid it seems likely, if she makes out again you're oversensitive, then move away, get the message and let them make the running. Make your own family out of your friends, as far as that is possible. it does help a lot. Keep contact on a lower level and as and when you want it; face full on the pain that your mother is not there for you, and weather it.

The fact is that probably your stepfather is spinning things to make it seem you['re being unreasonable when you're not. Tell it as it actually is, once. Stand your ground. But then accept what comes out of it, and if necessary find a family of choice, not chance.

She knows.

How long has your step-father been around?

Clearly no good can come of maintaining an active relationship with your mum at the moment, it's just getting you down. Don't forget the reason he was able to shut the door in your face was because she wasn't there when you'd arranged with her she would be. Neither of them are treating you with any kindness.

It's good you're moving away and can create actual distance between you. I would go low contact with them and put time into things which can bring you more joy - friends, hobbies, getting on with your life.

Some people get a twisted pleasure from inflicting hurt on others. Your stepfather is a classic perpetrator of this type of behaviour OP. If you can find the strength to adopt a 'fuck you', persona; be totally nonchalant and give out don't mess with me vibes, you'll find people treating you differently.
Laugh at him. Laugh at all of them and their twisted little minds that get pleasure from your pain. They're hideous people. And you're lovely.

That’s shit of him and odd of her. How far away is it from you?

You can't change how your stepfather treats you.

All you can change is how you react to his behaviour.

Recognise that he's treating you appallingly, and that he will continue, and the only way you can stop this it to stop exposing yourself to his company. In other words, the only way you can stop this happening is by stopping seeing him.

I'm so sorry. You deserve so much better.

I'm so so sorry, madcatladyforever. You've been setting aside your hurt and pain for how long now in order to try to maintain some semblance of a relationship with your mother and yet she stands by while he treats you like this?

Your stepfather, my mother. Your mother, my weak enabling father. I know how much it hurts and how much it impacts on your whole life. So now, it's time for you to let go and walk away. You deserve better. Your mother knows you deserve better but she puts him above all else and - I'm sorry because this is painful to hear - she is not going to change. And he is incapable of change. Neither of them are worth an ounce of your time or a smidgen of your thoughtfulness or care.

So, for what it's worth, here is my advice. Stop chasing the dream. Accept that you are neither the cause nor the cure for their selfishness. Accept that you cannot change it. Distance yourself from what is going on. Be yourself and be kind to yourself. Do whatever is necessary to protect your mental and emotional wellbeing. Walk away.

Your mother is as much to blame. She couldn't be bothered to be there when arranged and she doesn't pull him up on his actions.

I know it really hurts however go no contact with all of the nasty shits.

I bet if he hasn't got you to be nasty to it will become one of the other's turn.

I am sorry also to read about what has happened to you madcatladyforever.

Its not your fault they are like this and you did not make them this way.

Your stepfather is evil and your mother is weak and also complicit in his abuses of you. She has and continues to enable this man for her own reasons. Give up all hope that your mother will come around to see that the man she is with is actually a shit; she cares more about her relationship with him than about you, her own daughter.

Put mental and physical distance between you and they; you do not need such abusive people in your life. You may also want to read and post on the "well we took you to stately homes" thread on these pages.

He's a pile of shite and your mum isn't much better.

Wish you would have been able to film his treatment of you on your phone.

Go and make a new happy life without these nasty people in your life.

Thanks everyone, he's been around since I was 3 so 54 years I've been dealing with this. I have two half siblings who don't ever stand up for me either.
I was made to feel like an over dramatic about this but I'd worked all day, a very long shift up at 5 in the morning and then 2 hour drive the their house and a 2 hour drive back. I'm disabled but I have to work. One of my siblings drove down to see me once 15 years ago, the other has never visitied and my parents have been down twice.
It's assumed I have nthing better to do than drive up there. None of them actually work.

Family scapegoat

Are your half siblings your step father's children? If so, that explains it.

Your mum... well she's married a nasty man. If she can't see he was wrong, then I wouldn't want anything to do with her.

Do you have a family of your own? Children? Partner?

I'd honestly forget ppl who treated me like this. They're not worth it.

How did he treat you as a child?

He treated me terribly Sandy, all I wanted to do from age 8 was to leave home and live somewhere else. Nowhere I ever lived with them was "home to me". She was as bad.
I have one DC I love dearly and two ex husbands, I am unable to form relationships now so I live on my own.

The fact that you make the effort and you love your own DC shows that you are emotionally very abled. Your step 'father'!! on the other hand is cruel and nasty. For whatever reason your mother stands by him.

You put up with this emotional freezer when you were a very small child and had no choice or agency. But all that time you recognised that this was not right and when you were 8 you knew what you needed to do and you have done it. None of this is your fault, you created distance to survive and so that you could have a positive emotional bond with your DC.

It is very painful but I think if you can find good counselling or other outlets to nurture yourself you will form relationships in the future because you have already started on that road. Figure out if there is a level that is tolerable for you in maintaining a relationship and that does not set you back - look after yourself first so that you and your DC can thrive. These toxic relationships can set you back - don't take that risk anymore your DC needs you to be strong.

Part of me wonders if they are also jealous of your strength. You moved away. You are working. You have a positive relationship with your DC.