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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I doing something bad

18 replies

Luby34 · 21/06/2019 15:21

Ok a few weeks ago I told my partner of 3 years that I wanted a break. Sometimes we were arguing lots - quite aggressively - he would ask me to send him my location so he knew where I was, ask me to tell him the names of people I work with. But sometimes we would get on, like now, laughing lots, sex, and being kind. He is handsome and intimatcy is great. But there are things that kinda worry me, like he is 5 figure sum in debt with no pension, hes not the brightest of people and I dont really enjoy spending time with his friends, I feel awkward as they are 10-15 years older than me. He also has a daughter, which is fine, but sometimes I struggle with it. We dont have any similar interests apart from cycling and good food.

Now here's the catch. When I was wanting a break I got platonicaly close to a guy who I have never met - just social media. We have been friends/followers for about a year. He has just come out of a relationship. I have entered a competition and he has also entered so we booked accommodation at the same hotel - different rooms of course as I've not met him. But we have a lot in common, this is how we met on social media. He is good looking, clever and has a very good job which I highly doubt he is 5 figures in debt and we message most days. A future would be better without so much debt.

My family dont really like my current partner - but they also havent had much chance to get to know him as we live about 3 hours from them.

Am I already cheating? What do I do?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 21/06/2019 15:32

No you're not cheating but your boyfriend sounds like a loser. You should dump him

hellsbellsmelons · 21/06/2019 15:32

Just end it with your controlling current BF.
You are basically having an emotional affair.
Many people consider this as cheating.
You are young and don't want to continue with your current relationship. He's in loads of debt and has a DD.
So end it!!

DoctorDread · 21/06/2019 15:33

I'm concerned about your preoccupation with how much these people earn. Is that a primary motivator for you?

LizzieSiddal · 21/06/2019 15:36

Agre with the others. End your relationship with your partner, he’s in debt and is controlling. The aggressive arguments sound horrible.

You are then feee to go out with other people. But don’t rush things, take your time.

Luby34 · 21/06/2019 15:48

No, my partner earns good money but because he has debt he said he cant seem to get out of it. I am financially independent and have the ability to earn more if needs be. But if I were to go on maternity or got sick or couldn't work for whatever reason I worry about him struggling to support.

OP posts:
TowelNumber42 · 21/06/2019 15:53

End the current relationship. It isn't worth keeping. It won't last anyway. Might as well end it now.

Then have other relationships if you feel like it.

LuckyLou7 · 21/06/2019 15:53

Your social media man is a red herring, you might find there is absolutely no chemistry when you meet up in person. People can appear to be charming and charismatic online but in reality are totally different.

Your current boyfriend sounds awful though. Dump him.

hellsbellsmelons · 21/06/2019 15:58

I'd stop worrying about the money situation and start looking at his behaviour.
He's controlling.
He's on the nice part of the cycle now but it will go back to how it was soon enough.
And imagine if you are pregnant and once a baby is in the mix.
It will be like torture.
Controlling abusive men ramp it up during pregnancy or when a baby comes along.
You've said yourself that he is not very bright.
You don't like spending time with is friends.
So why are you doing this to yourself?
Get out now and save yourself.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/06/2019 16:03

he would ask me to send him my location so he knew where I was, ask me to tell him the names of people I work with

Ref flag. red flag and another red flag.

I'd end it permanently with him as he sounds really controlling. See how things progress with the other guy.

LauraMipsum · 21/06/2019 16:05

"Sometimes we would get on" is not enough to base a future on. Get rid of the boyfriend who is not bright, will be a financial millstone, has unpleasant friends, you have little in common with, and who tries to control you.

carla1983 · 21/06/2019 16:28

I don't like the sound of your current boyfriend OP.

He asks you to send your current location to him - this is very controlling and you should be worried.

Middersweekly · 21/06/2019 16:49

I agree with what others have said. I would end the relationship and head for the hills! He’s controlling and that level of debt shows gross mismanagement of money/finances. He’s not going to make you happy long term!

Haffiana · 21/06/2019 18:14

Are you capable of not being in a relationship? Can you only finish one relationship if you have another lined up to go to?

HollowTalk · 21/06/2019 18:17

Why on earth are you thinking of maternity leave? Surely you're not going to have a baby with that man?

Hopoindown31 · 21/06/2019 18:27

Breaks aren't a real thing. You are either in relationship or not. Time to decide.

Luby34 · 21/06/2019 19:15

Of course. I much prefer to spend time single after one relationship and I'm not saying go straight from my current relationship into another...

OP posts:
bigchris · 21/06/2019 19:24

Social media man sounds married to me

TowelNumber42 · 21/06/2019 19:33

Social media man's existence has made you realise your current relationship is shite. He's a trigger, a signal, an alarm, but it's not really abiut him.

Cut your losses on the current relationship. What happens after that is a totally separate thing. A bit of fun at the hotel might be rather fun (assuming he's not married).

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