Seeing someone whose ex has passed away

[Shireena]

Hi,

Just looking for advice on this. Casually seeing someone whose ex passed away about 2 years ago. They were best friends but dated for a few weeks only but it didn't work out. I believe he was truly besotted and they were best friends till she died. Now I've noticed pictures of her around, and also at his desk. Our relationship is very casual but I'm wondering whether to nip it in the bud because of what I've seen. He has said before they weren't right for each other but I get the impression she died a saint in his eyes and so nothing will compare. Any thoughts?

If it makes you feel uncomfortable then yes, you should end it.
I wouldn't like that.
You know he's not over her.
End it and let him grieve properly.

@hellsbellsmelons yes I think you might be right. The thing is, when he told me about her, I thought he was in love but he said he didn't want to be someone who was pining after a dead person. But seeing the pics made me think she is still a huge part of his life, 2 years later. Not sure it's my place to mention the pics though as so early on

She's dead, he wont ever be over her. That doesn't mean he can't love someone else.

If you can't handle that then it's time to move on, it does take a lot and not everybody would be able to take it.

@kimlo in all honesty, I don't think it's for me. I asked about the pics casually but I don't think it registered that her pics were still around 2 years later. Nothing against albums or on phone but hit home when I saw it on his desk. Oh well, better now than later.

It's fine that it's not for you, and it's good that you have recognised that. I'm not sure I could do it.

Because it wont just be photos, there's birthdays, christmas, the anniversery of her death, all sorts of things. My friends says it's like living two lives alongside each other, the one she is living and the one she would have been living.

@kimlo the thing is I do like spending time with him but the thought of this person always being on his mind just feels too hard to deal with. I'm going to try and make my excuses.

Well I ended up explaining my thoughts to him, I think all struck a chord. Essentially they were FWB towards the end, but he was in love, I feel she was using him and being unfair with it all. I explained about the pictures etc. I'm glad I spoke up though, even if we are done now, because I wanted him to see that real people are here now, rather than the memories of what might have been. I want him to think about that.

the problem is it's grief. He didn't choose to end that relationship, whatever form that took. It's not something he needs to have a good long hard think about and make the right choice.

He can love other people, and he probably will. But that love and that grief will always be part of him. he just needs someone who can understand that, and acept it.

and 2 years in to the grief is no time at all. It soumds along time bit it's not.

@kimlo thank you for your advice. We talked about it, I personally think she strung him along but she was his best friend too and now frozen in time as the woman of his then dreams. I know I am a good person and treat him well and don't mess him around like that. I guess with perspective now (I was all over the place before), Ive realised i can't control anything even though I'd like to. We have fun together and are going to try and keep things platonic to avoid any stress on both sides!