Is DD worryingly clingy?

[MyMumisMarv]

Hi, I'm after some advice about something re my DD7. I thought this might be better in relationships than parenting because I'm worried the problem might be because of me and our family situation. I'm sorry if this is too long.

I'm worried that she is 'too' clingy and over attached and I'm trying to encourage her to be more independent as it's starting to affect her enjoyment of other things.

For the last year, she has wanted me more than anyone - even friends - and I know there isn't too much wrong with that in itself. With other people she is medium-low affectionate but with me it's a little extreme to the point other people have commented how possessive she can be. Wherever we are, she wants a hug, even if we've just had one. If we have a day off and I ask her what she'd like to do, she wants to 'watch a film' and cuddle. She'd rather do that over going out and seeing friends. Everytime.It's very difficult to get work done or clean the house as whatever I do she can't leave me alone. She kisses me constantly and everywhere! She's constantly telling me how much she loves me, how beautiful I am (I'm really very average).

It sounds really cute and she is but it gets too much because it is so constant. I outwardly never refuse a hug and I always tell her I love her back and return the compliments, I sometimes distract her and sometimes I'll get her to wait or say its not practical as I am driving/walking/hoovering.

At night she tells me she'll miss me whiles she's asleep and she's becoming increasingly upset and annoyed if I leave the house or even a room.

Her dad took her camping recently and she spent the whole second day crying because she missed me which was a shame because she was so excited. This week they had a residential at school. The other mums were full of tales about how excited their kids were but DD was just sad because she wasn't going to see me.

Her dad and I separated when she was 2 and she stays at his one weekend night and one school night. We've had to start making sure the nights are never consecutive because she gets upset.

ExH says recently she has started crying for when she is there, wanting to know what Im doing and asking why I've not come to get her. Its upsetting for both of them when that happens.

I really want her to enjoy her opportunities and play but she won't if I'm around. I don't want her to feel like that and I don't understand why she does.

I wondered if she doesn't get enough of my attention but I try my best to spend a lot of quality time with her. But Im also trying to explain to her the importance of allowing me time to run my business and earn money and do jobs around the house.

She's had confidence issues at school but they seem to be mostly resolved. She's a really bright little girl and is doing well, her work isn't suffering, she's not having friendship problems. She seems very happy overall.

We live with my DP and have done for 3 years. They get on really well too. We do things all together and separately.

My DP thinks the cause of it is a period of time at the beginning of the year, when he was working weekend as was her DF and her cousins who we would usually see a lot ofweren't around for a while so we spent a lot of time together over a few months, just me and her and we had a lot of fun. We get on really well and are always being silly. He thinks it's just because I'm her favourite person to be with and she's just latched on maybe a little fervently.

I dont how to help loosen the apron strings a little. Or if there's anything in our life that is causing this. I'd love people's perspective on how normal/excessive her behaviour sounds and I anyone has any experience or advice

I wish I could offer advice, but I don't have relevant experience. I hope someone with experience comes along to help soon! In the meantime you sound like a lovely mum with sound instincts. My intuition would be that distracting her and delaying some of the interactions, as you are doing, is the correct course of action.

Hi OP, she is still tiny, she isn't being clingy she is getting from you security and love. We all need levels of hormones to make us feel secure and attached, she is just doing what her body knows to help her crate those attachments and levels of happy hormones. About the housework, as she is 7, can she not help you?

How is her diet? Has she had any medication or antibiotics recently? Nearly all your happy hormones are produced in the gut. If your gut isn't functioning properly it can cause issues in emotions etc. I am studying to be a natural nutritional therapist (am also a nurse) and have discovered lots of information about genetics and balance of happy hormones etc. If you want more info I can send you some.

In the meantime try and rephrase "too clingy" into she has a strong maternal bond with you which is exactly what she needs. Keep up with the cuddles, encourage her to explore with you and eventually she will gain the confidence in time. At beditme could you give her something that smells of you and maybe a picture of you and DP to go under her pillow? How about some massage time at bedtime?

You sound lovely, and that you want to give your daugter the best in life, before you know it she will be 18 and flying the nest. Good luck.

The other thing is if you are doing one week night and one weekend day would it be better to have alternate weekends with your ex and drop the mid week one? Because one night stays in my experience (I am split with my ex, with two boys) means they are a bit all over the place. Then you could have 2 weekends free a month to get on with the things you can't do while she is around?

Reading your post, it sounds a bit like anxiety to me. I may be completely off track though. If it is anxiety there are techniques that a good psychologist or kids anxiety program could help you with, like graduated exposure which is designed to reduce the anxiety surrounding things like separation from a parent. The country I'm in has courses that teach parents how to help their DC manage anxiety, there may well be something similar where you are.

Have you spoken to her teacher to see if this behaviour occurs at school as well? Does she cry when you drop her off?

It strikes me that she is afraid of something, and you are her source of safety/protector. Have you asked her if she is scared of something/someone?

Hi, wow thank you for all you lovely responses and you've given me some great ideas already...

@pudding21 yeah I see what you mean. The word clingy I guess is a bit negative, I've been trying so hard to not be negative about it and remind myself that 7 is still only little but it can get quite intense and it does feel like that. Also there seems to be such a marked difference compared to her peers

No antibiotics recently but the issue has been slowly escalating over last year. Her eating is fab though, really good apppetitie but healthy, makes the right choices without being told. She should have a really happy gut!

When this first started happening, I thought the same about the mid week. It might have been too much transitioning so we tried doing them together and it got worse. She says she hates doing two nights away from me.

It would be very difficult to convince ex to reduce overnights rather than rearranging them. I'm not sure if that is the answer.

@thedarkestbeforethedawn thank you for your suggestion, I am going to look at that. I'd considered it before but dismissed it as it doesn't seem to be connected with anything else. Just me. She's fine in school. She doesn't cry when I drop her off but she gets upset if anyone else picks her up unexpectedly (eg I'm stuck at work so call her dad or my mum or DP doesn't happen very often)

She did have confidence issues at school, very reluctant to speak up and she also said a couple of very negative things about herself which was awful. I worked with the school to help her with her confidence though and she has been a hundred times better. Does fit in with the anxiety

@furiousvexation that was my worry and Ive asked her. Botnlh casually and in a proper chat but she says nothing is wrong, just that she misses me and wishes I could be with her. About a year ago she actually said 'I wish we were the same person so we could be together all the time'

Ok so no antibiotics which is good. She has had some stresses in her life and continues to do so (the separtaion and ongoing child care issues, which are normal so dont feel any guilt about that), she is showing signs of stress which means she will be producing a lot of adrenaline and cortisol. This has a knock on effect and can cause a leaky gut, doesn't have to be caused by antibitocis. How does she sleep? Does she rise early?

Best ways you can help are support a very healthy diet: I'm talking whole grains, lots of leafy greens, limited processed foods, lots of vitamin C (juicing is great), remove as many daily toxins from her life as you can (we are exposed to 1000s of chemicals each day, which the liver has difficulty in processing), and learn relaxation techniques with her (maybe parent and child yoga or something, you could do it together?). Loads of physical touch when she wants it. She is anxious by the sounds of it, anxious you might leave her I guess.

You should ocngratulate yourself on having such a strong bond with you daughter., she sounds lovely too.

Anxious attachment but I'm not sure what you do about it, google how to change attachment styles maybe.

www.maggiedent.com/blog/childhood-stress-why-and-how-we-all-need-calm-down/

It does sound quite unusual - I have a 7 year old and she isn’t like this at all - more so towards her dad than me (we are divorced - she can speak quite romantically about him, says she wants to marry him and etc), but still nothing to this extent. I’m sure It is just a phase, but I would say it might be worth talking to an HCP, just to set your mind the rest? Good luck!

I wouldn’t worry about it too much to be honest. Kids are so different. My DD would have quite happily cleared off on a months holiday without us given half a chance at that age. Her best friend, on the other hand, is a real homebody and even at 13 prefers being at home with her mum. Both are fine. Get her involved in the housework, take her swimming or another activity she might like, invite friends round. Just keep her active and keep her opportunities open.

Thanks again all

@pudding21, sleep has always been an issue. Always been an early riser, lately struggles to go to sleep too.

I can definitely add more grains into her diet although everything else is pretty much covered.

I'm not sure I can do meditation but I can certainly look into getting her to learn some techniques. It would drive me round the bend. I have ADHD and Im not very good at just sitting and being. I stop for a cuddle when she wants to but I am always itching to move about. I have wondered if she senses it and it makes her anxious. She asks me if I'm OK a lot. I am, it's just how I am.

@mycatatetherat I worried about anxious attachment but apparently it is caused by inconsistent parenting and responses to their needs in the very early years? And I can honestly say that just wasn't the case when she was a baby.

@tinyvulture thanks, your DD sounds just like my DD's friends - that's how I want her to feel too! What's a HCP?

@LellyMcKelly we do lots together, we're very active, she's very active, it's just difficult to get her to do it without me and the thought now upsets her and stops her wanting to do things that are supposed to be enjoyable

I had what I thought was a problem with my DD when she was about 11/12 ish, although she went to sleep in her own bed in her own room every morning when I awoke she was in my bed. I was widowed when she was young, had had a subsequent relationship which went wrong so she had had an unsettled life. I did get fed up with with sharing my bed, and thought it was a problem that needed sorting and after some hypnotherapy to help her with anxiety issues she never did it again. However it was a mistake to interfere with what she needed at the time because however upset she was in the future she never felt she could come in with me because of the effect of the hypnotherapy. I wished I had just let her do what she needed at the time because nothing stays the same. I know this is different from your post but what I am trying to say is enjoy the closeness it won’t last things move on & change as they grow.

Op, I work in this area. It sounds like separation anxiety. Suggest you buy the Cathy Creswell book on "Helping your child with Fears and worries " which is basically a guidance programme for parents to learn techniques to help their child with these worries. Google "separation anxiety".

From your own point of view, are there things you and she can do together that involve physical contact with each other but don't overwhelm you because you can move about? Dancing maybe? Or teach her something like squeezing hands means I love you? Can she help you with housework?

I remember always wanting my mother at that age, and older. I do think she has anxiety. I'd give her a lot of general reassurance about general things - you'll always love her, always look after her, always be her Mum, she'll always be your eldest DD etc. Could she be worried about you having another baby with your DP? Or worried you and your DP might split up?

A convenient way to get lots of physical contact is to co-sleep though it might be difficult in other ways. How does she fall asleep at night? Do you stay with her, or lie down next to her? Is she comfortable to go to you in the night if she wakes? Is she having bad dreams?

Tiredness leads to anxiety also. How is her screen time? Blue light can cause wakefulness.

Just throwing ideas at you really. I know it's hard to cope with, DS gets like this sometimes. Not all the time thankfully.