really need help - money issues wrecking marriage

[cometotheendoftheroad]

I have had such an awful morning I have been struggling to hold it together today at work. I am a name changer - I hate doing it but so many people know my business I just want this to be private.
DH earns well - most of it go to his DC from previous marriage. They are teens and have been, quite rightly, kept in the style to which they were accustomed, which includes some of the best schools in the UK.
For our 7 year marriage I have worked like a Donkey and saved and budgeted to fund my own lifestyle which I have done v successfully. SCs Mother has not contributed at all over the years and still has no job which angers me greatly as she is capable of doing something now tbh, which means DHs payments have not diminished at all. However there is F all I can do about that so I just accept it as gracefully as I can.
I pay a large chunk of our large Mortgage and also have 10 month DS. I am back to work P/T and a relative v kindly looks after him free of charge. I fund everything to do with DS and also cover household bills. The other day DH made a comment that I contribute a "minimal" amount, he was half serious and it was a very off the cuff remark. He also makes comments about me not buying food. I just broke down when he said it. It was so insulting to me to hear him disregard everything I have done over the years.
I then said that if my contribution is so negligable, I would actually like to stop contributing to the mortgage after 7 years, as I really want to save for the future and do a course to further my career and he has accused me of not being "a team" with him and is extremely disgusted at me. I am just in shock. I wrote him an email (I hate to argue as DS picks up on it immediately) saying that I am devestated at the way he is treating me, but he is adamant that I am being unreasonable and he says I can't stop my contribution. From what I have said in this post - I know it is really hard to judge a whole relationship by this - please tell me your thoughts, I feel shell-shocked that money could possibly be the end of my marriage.

Caroline you are spot-on. I don't want this to be over but money issues over the years have ground us down so much. He knows he is being ripped off but says maint. payments proper would be even higher so he just says - there is nothing I can do just put it out of your mind - but I can't. I feel so resentful.

my 'contribution'.

therein lies the problem.

you're a married couple, not a pair of flatmates.

i'll never understand people who think along these lines, tbh.

So you know where I'm coming from, I have spent many hours discussing this sort of stuff with my DH, who, for reasons to do with his upbringing, is inclined towards the financial paranoia. I'm hyperalert about having my contribution recognised because I would be devastated if DH tried to put me in this sort of position. Like you, I absolutely would not stand for it.

Time to talk seriously I think. You can probably reclaim the adult position if you

1. can help him get his fears out in the open
2. acknowledge that dealing with those fears is not going to be all your responsibility (ie you are not going to change your behaviour just because it makes him uncomfortable) and
3. show him that changing the way your relationship is financed could, in the long term, have an emotional and financial payback

Easier said than done, I know, but possibly 3) is the easiest thing to tackle first - you probably need to start by working out the detailed monthly family budget now and as it would be if your DH was making contributions to utilities, child expenses, etc. You might not find it's that much more for him, but frees up enough cash for you to start saving.

Depending on what that shows up I would literally pitch for the money as you would to a bank manager: emphasise the possible financial returns from your career improvement and when they would come about, show him a picture of how the whole family budget could be improved if you were bringing in more money.

However, I don't think you can actually make that pitch until you have cleared out the emotional issues. Why is he scared to make contributions to his child? How does he feel so dismissive of the x% you have contributed over the years?

Gosh, I'm rambling on...sorry. I think there is a much more concise way of doing this and if I think about for a while maybe it will come to me...

I see your point expat, but when your partner has financial commitments and responsibilities from a previous marriage, you have to be more flexable.

It's just a partnership model of a relationship, Expat..two equal parties both bringing stuff to a relationship that is greater than the sum of its parts.

Money is only one way of making a contribution, but because it's very visible and easy to count, it can often stand in for all sorts of other stuff...

It sounds to me as if this goes deeper than just money. So your dh was married, the marriage broke up for whatever reason and he ended up losing his family, his wife/children, but he was still financially responsible for them, he paid the bills while the wife did what she wanted, including finding a new husband and the children were educated at the top schools in the country. And now, in his eyes, you are doing similar, wanting to follow your own dreams while your dh is expected to pay for the house/your children together. In his mind, the women in his life are only thinking of themselves while he is left to pick up the bill.

You need to sit down and have a serious talk about everything. Money, the ex, the kids, the mortgage, your aspirations for the future, but most of all about the two of you. The fact the ex is remarried should, in itself, have some bearing on the maintenance payments, your dh certainly shouldn?t be paying for their housing, I don?t imagine anywhere in the divorce settlement did it state that he will be expected to accommodate his ex and any new husbands she might happen to bring home. So the payments for the housing should stop imo. The schooling is more tricky, but presumably if they?re teens they won?t be at school for too much longer and these payments should be able to be reduced over the next few years. I would have a look at the csa website, there?s a calculator on there which specifies what the proposed maintenance payments should be, it?s something like 15% of net income for the first child and a percentage for subsequent children but I can?t remember exactly how much. Calculate what percentage he?s paying, and see if this can be cut down. He is legally obliged to pay for his children but he is not obliged to pay for his ex-wife and her new husband.

With regards to your career.. I understand that you want to further your career and to study, but given the current financial position you are in now may not be the best time. Your dh is right in a sense that you are a team and that if you want to pursue whatever it is you want regardless of whether it?s practical/financially viable at the moment, then he probably feels that you are only thinking about yourself and not taking his feelings into consideration. You are a married couple, you are a team, it?s not about his contribution/your contribution. Your dh is obviously busting a gut to earn enough money to support his children from his previous marriage (and imo he does deserve full credit for this as so many men would not be doing this), and now you?re expecting him to pay for the full running of your household as well so that you can spend all the money you earn on the things you want.

I do sympathise with the situation you?re in, but you do need to sit down and talk about this rassionally, and accept that there are issues on both sides.

Gizmo you have been so helpful to me.
I must ask him why he does not see DS as a reality in terms of finance now. I think he feels he is just too young now and that I can cover all the bits and bobs before it gets "serious" ie schools. But I disagree and I need to communicate this to him and I will. Taking on board your points, I will talk to him. I need to tell him my training will be better for us in the long run, so true. I am not sitting on my arse like his Ex, I want to do more with my life - earn more.

wB your first paragraph is food for thought indeed, you are right - we always were disgusted at Ex for using him so blatantly as a money machine and now maybe I am doing the same. You have been so helpful and I will look into your advice. Thanks so much for taking the time to write that to me.

Yeah, despite my oh-so-wonderful communication about financial issues with DH I too end up covering a lot of 'bits and bobs'... I reckon it's costing me a small fortune

I read this thread with interest as I am in a similar position, the second wife of a DH who pays up to 40% of what we bring home together to his ex despite the fact that his DC have long since grown up and moved out of home.

Why he does this? He feels he made a vow once upon a time to support his ex and they decided together that she would stay home and look after the DC.

He also feels that as he was the one who wanted out of the marriage she and the children should not have to suffer financially as a result.

All of this I have been understanding about, I know it comes with second wife territory that we work long hours with young children to effectively support two families.

Like other mnetters have said, I do admire how much he cares about providing for his family. I do accept this 'baggage', so to speak. It is a daunting thought that we will be effectively supporting his ex for the rest of her/ our days.

Often I have felt frustrated about the high expectations he seems to have of me, working, young children and keeping home etc etc... it has often felt unfair in comparison with an ex who has never worked at all.

Many times we have struggled to meet our obligations, his ex has NO idea how much stress we often endure juggling finances and managing our overall financial picture.

I have no doubt that if he was to have paid what he was legally entitled to this would have been a much much smaller sum of money than he decided to pay.

I do agree though, that at the end of the day it is never about money - it is all about the emotional motivations behind the behaviour. Whether it be pride, genuine caring or guilt - we're married to men who give far more than they need to legally.

Sorry, this is probably not all that helpful, but wanted you to know that I do understand your frustrations!! It does seem unfair - hope you can talk this out with him and will be thinking of you.

I have not read other post so apologise if same comments!
I would tell him you are going to put DS in private nursery and that you are gooing to give up work, Just like his ex! See what he thinks of that team play!

Hi, I just wanted to say thatI'm in a similar place to Gizmo - We've been through all the what's fair?' strife and out the other side. The solution we came up with was to count up all of our joint outgoings, House, food, cars, petrol, and the children. The we counted up all of our income including child benefit and tax credits. The, all income gets paid in tour joint account, we subtract the outgoings from the income and divide that figure by two. That money then gets transferred into out individual accounts - lacking age appropriate I know but it's basically our pocket money - designated for personal use only, not on any of the things that are supposed to be from our joint account.

At first when we came up with that solution DH thought it was very unfair. He felt that because he earned more than me and worked longer hours he should have more so I really had to drive home the argument about me giving up my earning potential and my career as well as the hard work I put in at home on my days off. I also have the potential to earn the same, possibly more than him as we're on the same payscale in the NHS so I offered to work full time while he became a SAHD or part time. He declined

I think it sounds like you really need a heart to theart about it all, but get your facts and figures straight before you do - excel spreadsheets have been my biggest weapon!

Also, regarding what some have said about supporting ex wives once the kids have left - I agree that perhaps keeping them in the lap of luxury is a bit extreme but consider that these women gave up their careers, earning potential, employability and pensions to bring up children. If a husband chooses to leave it would be pretty heartless to leave his wife with no home, no income and no job prospects (as someone I know has done) - I have the greatest respect for the men who do care and provide for their exes when it's necessary and also their current partners for having the grace to understand that it is the right thing to do sometimes.

B&M that has been really helpful thanks - it is reassuring to know I am not the only one with these frustrations.

If your SC have moved out of home what exactly is your DH paying for? That seems so unfair on you. When they leave home surely he ahould just give a small allowance at his discretion...? Also is he dipping into your earnings to fund this? How difficult for you...

i could have written that title!except my thing is dh running up huge bills,not paying,not saying hes not paid,me paying everything i can with only child benfit and tax credits.him not paying nowt!we have till end of month to pay £2000,ive made £160 through selling my things but hes come up with nothing.relationship isnt great anyway but the money thing puts huge pressure on it.

Does he not realise his commitment is now to you and your child together? That does not mean he should no longer support his other children, but his ex partner has to take responsibility for that too. You are married, you are his wife, you have his child and he should be looking after you, caring for you, enabling you and your child to have the life you deserve, the life he thinks his other children deserve.

How can he justify contributing enough money to allow his ex partner not to work with teenage children and for you to work part time with a 10 month year old.

His attitidue stinks.

I am not surprised that people are calling him a shit. As we are basing it, presumably on what we are being told. If he is generally a nice guy and not actually a shit at all, I apologise, but this attitude is not productive to a relationship, especially one with a child, it seems as though he is not the one working as a team here.