Can I do this all by myself?

[Onedaysoon]

Hi, well this is a follow on from my thread 'divorce solicitor advice needed'. One because it's become a much bigger topic and two because I have a feeling HE is checking on my internet activity - perhaps with a spyware programme or keylogger or something. Anyway, I don't want him to know my every move so I'm now on a public computer in a play area.
Anyway, meeting with solicitor went well. He is drawing up papers for the injunction and I have to go in tomorrow and sign them and then they will be faxed to the courts. The hearing hopefully will be next week. Problem is, although it's likely I will be granted the injunction, it's unlikely it will take effect immediately so I'm going to have to face him at home before he moves IF it's granted. If it's not, I'm going to have to take the kids and run. I've cited his inappropriate behaviour with my oldest daughter, as well as his looking at porn in front of DD2 in addition to his general nasty behaviour. Like last night, he shouted 'The kids have got effing mouths in their heads...they should use them' because they wanted to come in the kitchen but he was there and they didn't know what to do. I was in the middle of cooking their dinner and he muscled in and started cooking his own, making it impossible for me to feed the kids before 6.45pm! It's just an unbearable situation and I've started the whole waking up and throwing up thing that preceeded us moving into the refuge last time. I can't live like this.
I dialled 999 this morning to check if it still works as he's blocked outgoing calls. It does, so I explained to the operater and he was fine.
Social services, on the other hand, have astounded me yet again. I called the new social worker today to tell him that an injunction is being applied for and he said 'ok, well let me know how it goes then'. I told him how scared I was about H's reaction and he said 'well if he kicks off, call the police'. This was followed by 'good luck'! Chocolate radiator comes to mind!!!
Anyway, I won't be able to update as often as I won't use the PC at home but I'll try and keep you informed.

Hi, well the papers were served last night. He was livid. He is disputing everything that is on the papers...all my reasons for wanting him to leave, as expected. He tried to make DD2 eat some of his dinner and said to her 'I'll feed you as all you get from your mother is a bloody cheese string'!!! WTF? He saw me peeling potatoes earlier and the kids had fish and spuds for tea! So now he's trying to make out I neglect my kids! He also told me that once he leaves none of us will ever see him again. I asked was he going to just walk out of DD2's life for ever and he said 'well I've done it before with my 2, I'm sure I can do it again'! Nice.
I am putting in a complaint about the bloke who served the papers too. I knew him vaguley from where my office used to be, and when he called H invited him in (!!!!) and then, as if it wasn't uncomfortable enough, he sat in the kitchen with H for about 20 minutes, going through the papers, discussing them, listening to H telling him I was a liar, telling H that the council will have to house him, talking about how long the process would take etc. How effing uncomfortable was that for me and the kids????? I was furious. Surely his role was to establish that H was who he wanted, given him the papers and then gone?
Then this morning, I called the original social worker to ask his advice and he wouldn't talk to me!!!! he sent a message via the woman who answered the phone to say I needed to ring a different office as he has moved. I wanted to discuss the situation with someone who knew the background, knew H and me and the kids and he refused to even come on the phone!!!! I tell you, I am sick to the back teeth of useless people.

onedaysoon> (i've read you on another thread) - its sounds like your soon-to-be ex is a real piece of work he is using threats and emotional blackmail. ('you wont see him again if he leaves')

i found social services utterly useless when i had my own domestic issues last year

i'm so empathic to your situation.....
and i'm so sorry......x

Americantrish...he even said that to DD, who's 3! Imagine telling a child that he is going away and won't ever be coming back. As for social services, they were going to call a child protection case conference last year and talked about putting the kids on the at risk register...so they know exactly what's going on and how serious it is. But they couldn't be bothered. I am so so so angry with the whole system. What makes it worse is that when these agencies act in this way it gives the whole control over to him again, plays right into his hands. They are actually putting me and the children in danger by doing this.

onedaysoon> my son is 3 as well. i wish i had something useful to say, if you ever want to talk, i'd listen... trust me, so much of this is farmilar to me...

sorry it went so badly, can you speak to your health visitor try and get her on side she may have some sway with social services?

TBH if he walks out on dd2 it could well be in her best interests anyway other wise he is going to try and control all of you forever anyway. Sorry that sounds harsh but your soon to be ex has mental health issues and isn't capable of putting his dd's needs above his own ever.

Hugs x

Hi, just wanted to let you know that he's gone. We talked last night, and there were lots of tears (on both sides) and he said all the right things - how I'm the perfect wife, perfect mother, how he worshipos the ground I walk on etc etc...and I was starting to crumble. But then little things started creeping in to the conversation again...he got mad because one of the kids came in to use the loo...blamed the kids for the failing marriage... made threats about being physical against my son in a couple of years if he behaved the same way as my daughter...and comments about my appearance, saying I only once made an effort with my appearance for him and that was our wedding day (I always make an effort with my appearance, always)...it just went on. I went to bed, and this morning he said 'so...are we going to give it another go then?'. I told him I couldn't that there was too much damage and that was it. he effed and blinded, packed some things and said we'd never hear from him again, gave me back my keys and was gone! he never showed up in court this morning so the judge ruled in my favour, granting me an occupation order banning him from the house and also a non molestation order. problem is, of course, that as I have no idea where he's gone they can't serve the papers! It's going to be a long time before I stop looking over my shoulder, I know that. I am waiting for the council to give me the go ahead to change the locks, as apparently the law has changed, and now the judge can't order the tenancy to be signed over to me alone until decree nisi stage but the solicitor said that the council should allow me to change them on the grounds that he could have had a spare set cut.
His mother gave DD2 a gold charm bracelet for her christening, and 2 gold charms. Guess what? She demanded them back yesterday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How **ing mean is that? Taking a present back from a 3 year old!
I expected to feel elated at this, as we have the house back to ourselves and can get on with our lives, but all I feel is empty. I am desperately sad, for him and for me. But I do know I couldn't have gone on like that, and he'd never change.

Just found this thread and want to say that you've done the right thing even if it feels like the shittiest thing in the world.

Of course you are going to feel as you do now. You've been through so much and that doesn't just switch off the moment he leaves. Give yourself a chance to get over things, accept that there'll be days when you'll feel horrible but also that there'll be days when you wake feeling good again.

As for his mother, let her reaffirm why you took this action in the first place. She sounds as grim a piece of work as he does and your life can only be better without either of them in it.

Stick with it, try to find strength in what you have achieved (a lot, if you ask me!) and give yourself some space and time.

Sx

Hi Scampynoodle, and thanks. It's just that it's been a long hard road, lasting over 4 years and I just thought that once he was gone I would feel over the moon. But I don't. I'm not sure if I miss him exactly; we were so far apart that there's nothing to miss IYSWIM...he was never really 'here' anyway. I think I'm mourning my marriage, and my dreams. I am also worried about him; where he is, what he's doing, if he's ok.
I kept myself busy when I got back from the court. I blitzed my bedroom...bagged up all his clothes and have stored them in the shed, even though he told me to burn everything he left behind I can't. I threw out loads of stuff, moved the bed, put up a canopy over the bed which I've never got around to...it looks lovely now. I've got loads of furniture in the back garden waiting for me to take it down the tip. The problem is I don't hate him. I really really wish I did but I don't. I don't want anything bad to happen to him despite what he's put us all through, isn't that mad? I also wish I was a drinker, lol. I'd love to sink a bottle of wine and numb it all but I know if I start on that I'll be on a road to nowhere. Anyway, I guess time will heal.

Hi

Just wondering how you are?

I am back from being offline for 10 days.

Let us know how things are and continue to get support if you need it

Best wishes

MF

Hi Mumfun, I'm doing fine thanks. I've got a new thread called 'my life starts here!'...save me boring you with the details! Were you away for the 10 days or just offline?