Need to rant and get things off my chest.

[Goandplay]

1. Washing machine has been out of action for 2 weeks. I have a family of 5, we all work or are at school. Washing machine repaired today. I take DD to Rainbows, come back to multiple washing baskets emptied onto floors (bathroom/kitchen) with a wash on the go and another ready to load.

The wash on the go and ready to load are solely DP’s clothing. Tumble dryer had a few items left inside form before washing machine breakdown. This has been unloaded to kitchen side. Took some complaining to get DP to re plumb washing machine as it is and now the entire house looks like a tornado has past through!

1. Toilet has been running water after flushing unless you manually push the inside thing down. This has been th case for quite sometime. Each time I ask DP about the toilet and getting it repaired I’m reminded that I’m fully capable of employing the correct trade person to fix the problem.

Today I contact plumber, lovely man said he’ll pop over in half an hour to look at job. DP tells me I’m being ridiculous and he won’t open door to plumber because he can fix it and it’s a waste of money. I’ve had to call the plumber back and cancel. I couldn’t let plumber in, I’d be at rainbows and I didn’t want the plumber to be caught up in awkward hooha.

1. My parking on driveway wasn’t best this afternoon causing DP’s car to block mine. He’s left me to move cars around like a long winded brain training exercise rather than help by moving his car whilst I drive mine off.

1. I can’t disagree, complain or express any dissatisfaction without him reaching 100 (can’t think of a description) and refusing to listen.

1. Rubbish is pushed down the sofa, left every where or at best piled near to bin regardless of the space inside the bin.

1. Anything needs to be done I feel like is met with ‘why can’t you?’

I feel invisible and like someone has removed my voice. I’m now just sitting in my car feeling frustrated.

I’m sick of the state of the house and someone upending everything to suit themselves. He has health complaints that are thrown up at every turn for every reason for his mood, his lack of effort etc.

Full rant mode now!

Dump the useless man
Problem solved

Do you think his mum felt the same when he was living at home?

He's never grown up, has he? Are your DC his?

Please get rid.

I could not live like this. Life will be much happier without him!!

We’ve lived together longer than he lived with his mum. He used to be so good. It really felt 50/50. He wouldn’t take responsibility for house chores but would pitch in, I’d come home to the house being completely tidy etc every so often.

Now he’s reached his 40’s he more hinderers than helps. Not even neutral, I wouldn’t care much if he didn’t create extra work.

All DC’s are both of ours.

Why are you and he still together?. Stop with handing over any more of your power here to him.

Would you want your children as adults to have such a relationship as yours now is?. No you would not and its not good enough for you either.

What are you still getting out of this relationship?

He is neither of use nor ornament, creates more work and likely also sees all this as your job.

His arse needs to be truly kicked out the door.

In my world a man pulls his weight, we compromise, pull together and make each other laugh.

So he can do his own washing but not yours or the dcs? That to me would set the tone, do your own and the dc from now onwards. I’d really stop enabling him. Call the plumber and arrange for him to come whilst you are there. Anything he won’t fix first time if asking, get someone in to do. Cars on the driveway a nightmare, use his or wake him early to move it.

If he used to be good but now isn't that does suggest his health problems could be to blame, rather than crappy man syndrome. His refusal to let the plumber in sounds like he doesn't want to accept he's not as capable as he used to be.

Things can't go on as they are though, it's not fair on you. You are a household of five, all household tasks should be split between all of you, with plenty of age appropriate jobs for the children. Draw up a rota (maybe pitch it as 'we need it to help teach the kids how to look after a house' to get him on board). Let him choose between signing up for his share of whatever is fair/achievable for him or being in charge of outsourcing within an agreed deadline.

That way he can't keep using the 'why can't you do it' line. And also gives you the space to be able to be more sympathetic to his health rather than the (completely justified) frustration you're stuck with now. I don't think he realises that you don't care if it's him or the plumber that does it, as long as it gets done.

Thanks Naicemum.

In fairness about a week before washing machine breakdown I put his washing to one side because he refused to help a few times when I asked. Kept saying he doesn’t create much washing.

His whole family are quite selfish. It’s his default setting. Saying that, it’s like his given up. He did the garden this week and I could see that was a struggle for him.

I just don’t want him creating extra work.

Could you manage financially without him?

Yes.

I don’t feel like giving up on my family because of housework etc. He was good. I need him to get some go in him. Not be happy to let stuff pile up till anything gets done. I really would be happier doing little and often, tidy as we go etc.

If you google the toilet thing, you will find you can fix it yourself.

Hopefully, this will give you confidence to understand you don't need this fuckwit you call a partner.

If you couldn't manage financially without him, change that. Leave.

Or stay. and understand you are choosing to stay, for whatever reason.

One day that reason won't be enough. I hope today is that day. x

If anyone has given up on the family here its your so called partner who is now creating more mess and stress for you. He will continue to make you feel diminished; he does this because he can and it works for him.

You describe his family of origin as selfish; it could be argued the rotten apple that is he did not fall far from the rotten tree.

Do not get stuck on the sunken costs fallacy; that basically causes you to keep on making poor relationship decisions.

Have you talked to him about it OP? I mean a proper conversation, not an argument / rant?

Have you tried approaching it in a different way? Say - which one do you want to do, cook the dinner or clean the bathroom? If he says the bathroom doesn't need cleaning, then tell him he's on cooking duties. I find that worked for me.

Have you tried asking him what is wrong.
You sound like your both playing tit for tat.
Tell him toilet fixed by tomorrow, what tools do you need?

The k you for your replies.

I feel stuck in a cycle of complaining which may be leading to me not being heard.

I will fix the toilet.

Weirdly enough we’ve had an argument today and he said what do you bring to the table. I told him what I’ve brought to the table this week; and reminded him that I could do all of it alone. Top to bottom and he can’t say the same.

He’s now put out that I could say such a thing. I reminded him to question in its self is inflammatory, he asked the question so can’t be upset with the honest answer.

I think he truest thinks he does loads. Maybe he does an I can’t see it.

Such men always think they do loads and truly believe their own denial. They try and talk a good game.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and just what are they learning here from the two of you?. What are you still getting out of this relationship with this man?. You're still getting something out of this so what is it?.

Your not breaking up the family because of housework! He is.
Dump him.
He won’t change.
Actually, he will. He’ll get worse.

What does he actually do while he's at home?

What am I getting? Good Dad. He is available to the children, plays with them, takes them on amazing days out, weekends away and doesn’t expect me to facilitate or join in.

Sex life is good, still after this many years. We have chemistry.

When it’s not like this, I like him. Enjoy his company and doing things together.

I really feel if we broke up, it would be purely over housework.

Maybe my methods of expressing dissatisfaction are making everything worse.