He wants to go I want to stay

[AshTree123]

NC for this as its extremely outing

DH and I met 12 years ago in his home country (western europe) where I lived at the time. By the time we got married 5 years later, we had talked a lot about eventually moving back to my country, and just after having our 2nd DC 4 years ago, we decided to go for it, and are here for the last 3.5 years.

I work in a well-paying, tough but enjoyable job, DH is an SAHD, mainly because the industry he used to work in doesn't exist in my country. We are mortgage free and have a beautiful house. DCs are 6 & 4 and happy in school.

DH has just dropped the bombshell that he's not happy here and wants to go back. He wants to work in his sector again, and he hates the weather here.

I do not want to go - my family are here and we are extremely close (DH isn't that close to his), I love our life here, the community we live in, the job I'm doing, the schools & friends our kids have. I could probably get some sort of job back in his country but it wouldn't be anything like what I have now. We live in the countryside here which I love, but wouldn't be able to do where he is from.

I thought DH & I were fine - a few hitches as with all couples with small children, but as they're getting older, we were getting some of our old selves back, and I felt we were in a good place.

He says he doesn't want to leave the marriage, but he's not happy living here.

I'm thrown, i don't know what to do and neither does he.

Anyone here ever been through anything like this ?

Which country is he from? Could he work away during the week?

Gosh, that's a horrible dilemma, because for one of you to be happy, the other has to suck up their unhappiness. Have I been there? No, because when I got together with my now DH we thrashed this issue once and for all and I told him I didn't want to pursue a relationship with him unless he was okay with living in my country, and fortunately he hasn't changed his mind. And that's the issue, isn't it? That your DH has changed his mind. Would he go to marriage counselling and do you think it might help or provide any answers? It probably wouldn't hurt. The only other answer is 1) you stay and he's unhappy or 2) you go and you are!

I really feel for you and your DH because this is such a tough situation, my DH is also from another country and moved to the UK to be with me.

How long has he been feeling like this? Does he have any good friends where you live, does he do any hobbies or is part of any clubs etc? If he hasn't really properly settled this could be a factor in him wanting to move back.

Could your DH change jobs/industries and get a job in your country? Not working and being a SAHD might be quite isolating for him and contribute to his homesickness.

It sounds as if he is unhappy being a SAHD and wishes he was working again. That's understandable - it's not for everyone , and especially not for many men, especially men who've had to give up their profession in these particular circumstances.

Could he retrain in another field , something similar to what he did before ? Or could he work away and fly home at the weekends ? Either way you've got a huge decision to make. Good luck.

What a difficult situation. It's very hard to know how you're going to feel once the reality sets in of "I am now defined as a parent and that's it - where is my intellectual challenge? Where is the satisfaction of resolving problems, negotiating, selling, developing others?"

It's not something I could ever have done.

I guess your choices are:
He finds a job back home (or closer) and commutes, returning to your current home on weekends
You both move back to his country and you commute during the week
You split and agree an equitable share of childcare

It's a really tough one. Sadly love doesn't conquer all.

Whatever you do, don’t move! If you go to his country and the marriage doesn’t work out, you’ll be stuck there. You won’t be able to move the children back home without his permission which he isn’t going to give. Don’t get yourself in that boat! You’ve got a lovely set up where you are. I moved for my DH, away from friends and family support and it’s the worst thing I ever did. I’m raising my kids without that network and am now completely stuck until they’ve left school. If he’s unhappy being a SAHD then look to solve that first by retraining at college?

To answer a few questions he's quite fixed in his mind that he can't work here, or at least work somewhere interesting for him - he doesn't want to change sectors.

He's got hobbies and a few friends here - but he's very introverted in general and didn't have many friends who weren't mine even when we lived in his country.

I would love for him to try finding a job here, but he doesn't seem to want that.

I'm suggesting counselling, he's not biting for the minute

3.5 years is a reasonable attempt to try and make a go of things.

I think that your choices are
1- long distance. You stay with the kids and he commutes.
2- you all move to a third country where both of you can fulfill career goals.

As you are in quite a good financial position are you able to fund your DH retraining in another sector? Would he even consider this ? If he became a mature student it may make him feel less isolated and give him a renewed sense of purpose.

Yeah we could afford for him to re-skill/retrain. He is an engineer, so could convert to another sector relatively easily (ie in 2 years or so)
Might try that tack

I wonder too if he's given it enough time? We lived in DH's country for a while at one point and it took me five years to start feeling at home there. It took him a similar amount of time to feel like the UK was home too.

Is this more about his SAHD status and not being able to work, or is he unhappy with aspects of life in the UK? The weather isn't great, it's true, and this summer has so far been rubbish. If I was used to living in Italy or Spain or somewhere I think I'd struggle with the grey too, but can you try and unpick with him what's making him unhappy, whether it's job, rural location, lack of friends, maybe lack of other foreigners or people he can chat in his language with? If you can nail him down to specifics then you have something you can work with.

Alternatively, could you agree to spend, say, a month in his country every summer, or buy a place there that you could visit regularly so the DC feel that his country is also home. Would that help?

He is an engineer

and he can't find work in the UK because ???

Oh my goodness, I really feel for you. I've had something similar recently but on a much smaller and more local scale as we moved 150 miles to a new part of the country and DH said after 6 months that he didn't like it, so we are now moving back to where we came from. Such upheaval! But we don't have young DC any more and we both work from home, but it's still so hard. In your situation, I don't think I could move, I really couldn't. I think my DH has had a real personal crisis about this and it's not as simple as being about the actual location, it's a wider and deeper feeling of being dislocated, alien and uncomfortable with where you are. And we are still in the UK, which I know sounds crazy to some people. You need to think of yourself and your DC and decide what is right for you. I think if you move now, you will find it very difficult to recover from and there is such a danger that you will resent him and not settle. I hope you can persuade him to stay where you are.