How to like each other?!

[Whatdoidoforever]

Ugh so I am married, two young kids, together 8 years. I am fed up with dh due to low level stuff, leaving socks on floor, being late home, faffing about, not doing his chores etc. He's a nice guy. But. It's driving me mad and I am very open and vocal but he just nods along and never changes. I have depression/anxiety and don't know what's "normal" or if I'm overreacting/being extra sensitive.

I asked him to leave. He makes lots of logical points and so I agree he can stay. If this is going to work we need to spend more time together without the kids, but I go to bed at the same time as them as I am exhausted (broken sleep, still breastfeeding, run a business and stay at home full time). I am not good company if I stay up after their bedtime. He won't get up early (when I get up with baby) because he's tired ... Because he goes to bed late after going on his phone for hours.

I have arranged childcare for tonight and we are going out. Somewhere cheap as we're poor, maybe even just dinner at home without the kids.

What can we do to help us like each other? I really don't give a toss. I need to like him if we're going to stay together but he just annoys me now. He says I'm no fun any more.

Can we make this work?

I think you know that you're kidding yourself. Better to break up now rather than later when you'll be even more resentful. Maintaining an amicable relationship for co-parenting purposes should be the key imho. The longer you stay together for the wrong reasons, the more likely it is that one of you will cheat because you'll both be lacking romantic love in your lives.

I could have written most of this myself! In a very very similar situation.

I'd say you will be able to like each other again, by spending more time together without the kids doing things you used to do before you had them. Go to the pub, cinema, for food etc and attempt to enjoy each other's company. If it doesn't work then I'd say it's probably over.

But for me and my DP we have to spend time alone doing things we used to do to get on and like each other, eventually the things like socks just fall into the wash basket! Amazing I know! The kitchen floor even got mopped without me doing it or asking yesterday.

run a business and stay at home full time
How can you do both?

What logical points did he make?
Can you name any good things about him yourself?

I run a business from home. It's a "real" one (not mlm or similar, no offence meant) but is in its infancy so I don't earn a wage as yet, so money is tight. It could be a full time job but I cram it into early mornings, around the kids and when they're at their granny's once a week.

Good points: great with kids, kind, not arsey/grumpy, doesn't game or go to pub very often (once a week or less), good at DIY, very honest, not tight.

Logical points... I can't remember. It just sounded sensible the way he pointed out how I may be affected by MH issues and how I need to do stuff for myself and we need to spend time together etc. He also said we both need to work on ourselves as he is a people pleaser and doesn't get a pat on the head from me, which he needs. I am the sarcastic "what do you want, a medal?" Type which he doesn't appreciate.

@Whatdoidoforever yep again sounding similar. My OH wants a thanks or pat on the back when he's done something. Which is crap considering I never get one for doing all the cleaning, looking after kids, cooking, running my business, doing his paperwork and many other things!

What does he do that you like at the moment? Is he saying you have MH issues to cover up the fact he's being lazy? I think once they're set in their ways they stay like that, my OH helps out when we've had a big argument about it. But it doesn't take long for him to go back to his old ways then it's becoming like a circle. 😒

Mine literally took a day! We went out for a little drink yesterday, he was happy mopped the floors etc, and has just argued with me over taking the bins out saying he's been at work all day and is too tired! Yet I worked 9-6 but apparently I've still got to do everything.

Sum up your pros and cons to being with him and being without him and go from there. I'm doing the same, but whilst doing that make it clear things need to change or his whole life will.

Good points: great with kids, kind, not arsey/grumpy, doesn't game or go to pub very often (once a week or less), good at DIY, very honest, not tight.
Not a liar, not tight, not grumpy, not an addict - well, compared with many of the men described on this board that's incredible, but it's not "melt my heart" territory either.
Doing DIY - well, maybe if he masterfully swings his hammer it could do something for you.
"Great with the kids" - this could make your heart melt if he proactively takes over childcare, reads them bedtime stories, goes out in the garden and you can hear them having fun together - or do you just mean that he is not actually clueless around them?
"Kind" is great if it means that he takes care of you when you're ill, asks how your day was and listens to the answer...
If you look back over the last week or so, what has he done or said that was actually rather nice, when you think about it?

Re your job, it sounds quite stressful, but things will change in a few years, then, when the kids start school?
What does dh do to ensure that you're not basically working in one job or another 24/7?

Logical points... I can't remember. It just sounded sensible the way he pointed out how I may be affected by MH issues and how I need to do stuff for myself and we need to spend time together etc.
Just make sure you're not being persuaded by a load of bullshit...

You can certainly try to get it back.
Life is tough with a baby.
It does get easier but right now he needs to understand how exhausted you are.
And he needs to tidy up after himself.
Some quality time together is a really good idea.
Maybe cook together later and play some board games.
No TV.
If you want to have a proper talk about what you need to sort out then make sure you take it in turns and each let the other one finish.
Make a list if you need to.
But try to be kind to each other.

Are you suffering with PND? Are you receiving support from the gp with your mental health?

It seems like you have a lot on, and there may be some truth in his argument that some of it is to do with how you're feeling? PND made me feel very indifferent/numb toward my partner.

When your kids are young, it's hard...

Are you doing anything for yourself, OP? YouTube workouts, running, seeing a friend during the day sometimes?

Thank you all for the replies.

I do very little for myself but am so tired I don't want to do anything other than sleep once the days jobs are done and the kids are asleep. They don't go to bed early enough for is to spend time together after, well they do but I'm too tired to stay up.

I have a couple of hours to do my hobby once a week at the weekend.

He is genuinely good with the kids, they have fun together.

I can imagine when they're at school it'll be me getting them ready and dealing with the fall out after, ds1 is very emotional and possibly on the spectrum. Gp not a huge help as yet.

I have pnd and am on antidepressants and have another gp review coming up. I think I may have anxiety.

I get annoyed if he doesn't listen to me i.e. "what time are we going?" "I just told you!"

He asks how my day was etc every day, says it looks nice in here if it's particularly tidy, he is nice but he doesn't sweep me off my feet or make me feel cherished.

I don't know

Make sure that your tiredness is not just automatically blamed on depression/having young children - that is, it might well be that, but make sure they check for other possible causes too. I was tired for years without realising I was anaemic due to heavy periods.

He asks how my day was etc every day, says it looks nice in here if it's particularly tidy, he is nice but he doesn't sweep me off my feet or make me feel cherished.
I was asking for positive things in response to your opening question "how to like each other?" Starting a new relationship after divorce reminded me how nice it is at the beginning, when you still spend time thinking dreamily about the good things your new partner has done. At the start, if he asks you about your day, you're all pleased with yourself for having found such a lovely guy. Obviously that dreamy state doesn't last forever, but it reminded me that (as a worrier) I focus far too much on the negative side and should probably try to counter that by looking for positives. Not by ignoring negative stuff, obviously, but by deliberately remembering and focusing on good things, if there are some. Maybe thinking about the good things could help you feel more friendly towards him?

Is your dh quite sensitive to atmosphere? Is he the type that gets more enthusiastic and fun when he sees that you are in a good mood?