Is it me or him?

[CoffeeAndEyeliner]

Hi all,

I’m hoping for another point of view here so anything will be appreciated.

I’ll try and give all the details but obviously don’t know for sure things from hubby’s POV. Also trying not to be outing so being slightly vague.

I find myself really unhappy at the moment so please be gentle.

DH and I have been together for 10+ years. We’re both 35. We have a preschool aged DC.

For the past year-year and a half sex and intimacy seems to have dropped off between us. Used to be every week or so but now I’m lucky if it’s once a month. Sometimes not even that often.
Intimacy and attention seems to have dropped off and is worsening. It’s difficult for me to explain but he just doesn’t seem that interested in me anymore and really distant.

If I initiate sex I’ll get rebuffed almost every time and the only time he seems to initiate it anymore is in the middle of the night after we’ve both been asleep.

To make matters worse my sex drive seems to have ramped up to a crazy level. I could happily DTD everyday (for the record I’m not asking him for sex everyday. Maybe once a week at most).
He seems to want to just go to bed and read. If I try to start before bed I get accused of not ‘testing the waters’ (I think i did) because he could have been in the middle of something.

It’s having a negative effect on my self esteem, I’m terribly frustrated. I basically feel like I’m an annoying child that he wishes would give him space or a flat mate that he doesn’t really want to be around.

When we do have sex and I initiate he never really seems passionate about me like he used to be. When he initiates it seems more like urgency than passion.

I’ve tried to speak to him about it and he tells me I’m imaginging all the stuff about him not fancying me or being intimate. He thinks once a monthish is a normal amount for ‘a couple who have been together as long as us’.

I get really upset and struggle to eloquently get my point across to him.
Last night he asked if I had a hormone imbalance because I wanted to have sex. Then I thought ‘do i’? Maybe it’s why I am taking it so personally because I’m hormonal?

I just don’t know what to do at the moment. I don’t think I’ve changed that much and I don’t think he’s having an affair.

I’ve read a few posts on here recently about couples who haven’t had sex in years and I just fear that is where we’re heading.

I know that no one can give me an answer but what do you think? Should I keep trying to talk to him about it? Or just accept that I’ll be frustrated for the rest of our marriage? Do you think I’m a hormonal nightmare or is he being distant?

If you got this far then thank you!

There's nothing wrong with you.

I went through a crazy phase a couple of years ago. I'm assuming it was hormones but I'm in my 40s. It was utter hell. Husband bought me a wominizer which was a bit of a godsend tbh. I'm back to normal now.

What he didn't do was dismiss my feelings and shrug me off and this once a month urgent get it over with sex just isn't good for the bond and neither is being woken up during the night.

In your shoes I'd take sex off the table completely for a while and just see to myself while I evaluate the whole relationship. The outside of the bed area where being taken for granted and complacency sets in.

Thank you. That is very good advice and I appreciate it.

The only thing I worry about is if I take it off the table for a while it will never go back on the table. He just doesn’t seem that interested.

Well why would he be? He has it on a plate whenever he wants it.

Give it a time frame and work on other areas, spend time together outside of the routine that goes hand in hand with long term relationships. Start dating again if he can get in board.

If sex doesn't resume naturally after all of that then have a chat about the future. You're young and it would be a shame to be unhappy for the rest of your life.

I'd definitely think about a wominizer or some other sort of toy to take the edge off though. They can be a godsend.

I think it's a bit rich of him to ask you if you have a hormonal imbalance because you want sex. No, you just have a healthy libido for a woman in her 30s. You need to have a libido that is somewhat matched to your partner's otherwise you're going to be very frustrated. It is a problem, I would go to couples counselling.

@gamerchick I think often a toy is not enough. I assume (but don't know for sure) that OP wants the connection, passion, intimacy and touch that comes with sex, too, not just the orgasm.

Thanks for the recommendations ladies but I’d be off my rocker if I hadn’t been sorting myself out already
It’s my husband I miss and the feeling of actually being fancied.

I take the point of putting it on the back burner and sorting out other aspects. It just seems like everything else is ok.

@gamerchick I think often a toy is not enough. I assume (but don't know for sure) that OP wants the connection, passion, intimacy and touch that comes with sex, too, not just the orgasm

I know, that's why I said to take the edge off. That crazy horn feeling can drive you utterly demented. I was glad when it passed.

Any chance he is watching loads of porn?
Wanking a lot and now doesn't need sex with you as often?
That would be my first thought.

Maybe he just isn't that into you anymore.
Maybe he has a very low sex drive now.

If you are getting frustrated though, you need to tackle it head on.
Would he agree to counselling or sex therapy?

If everything else was good between you, then it's not you or him. It's reasonable to only want sex once a month and it's reasonable to want it ever day (and anything in between). You just have different sex drives, and you have to figure out if it's a serious enough issue to split up over (again, there's no right answer. It would be for some couples but not for others.

However, it sounds to me like this may not be the only issue? Does he also seem distant and irritable and not that interested when you are doing something completely non sexual (eg just chatting together in the evening)?

@hellsbellsmelon i suppose he could be but it would surprise me a bit. Also, I’m wanking a lot and still want sex with him

It’s more the emotional turn he seems to have taken. It’s like he doesn’t want the intimacy anymore.

I fear that he’s not just that in to me anymore and I don’t know if I can get that back. Or what’s changed.

I’ve mentioned counselling and he doesn’t seem that in to that either.

@Pearlfish
I know there is nothing wrong with either sex drive. It just seems like all intimacy has dropped off on his end. He’ll happily chat but feels crowded if I try and cuddle him etc.

We usually watch tele and chat in the evenings. He is on his phone quite a lot but then I rarely just sit and watch tele either.
I’d say chatting about day to day things is fine. He doesn’t seem distant in that respect.

It’s like talking about day to day things with a friend or relative really.

It isn't normal in a marriage/relationship for all intimacy to drop off.

On his phone a lot and doesn’t even want to cuddle , hmmm I’d be suspicious if I was you op. Sorry 😐

I know it’s not normal

I’m not too worried in that respect @lefty1. I can see what he’s doing. He’s not secretive about it or anything